The Crucible, a la Shmoop.
Okay, in hindsight, I'm willing to admit that my prank went a little too far.
It's all fun and games until you get your ex-lover executed.
But you know what they say about a woman scorned...
It all started when my uncle, Reverend Parris, busted me and the girls casting spells with
our slave Tituba *.
Then my cousin Betty started acting all nuts, and the townsfolk started to whisper about
witchcraft.
Hey, they could say what they liked, as long as it didn’t get me grounded!
I had my own super-secret reasons to go gallivanting into the forest.
Tituba had magical powers, the kind that might help me bump off my rival, that Goody-two-shoes,
Elizabeth Proctor.
…
Oh, don’t act shocked…
Elizabeth totally had it coming.
What a drip.
The whole time I was working for the Proctors, I couldn't figure out how a wimp like her
caught a fox like John.
I felt kinda sorry for him, what with Elizabeth being sick all the time, so I figured…why
not have a fling with the man of the house?
That little exploit got me fired…whoops…but I found another home with my uncle, Reverend
Parris.
I knew it was only a matter of time until John Boy left his lame-o wife and came running
into my arms.
I dug John so much that I even let him in on my little secret – that the gang and
I weren’t really under enchantment.
I thought he and I were having a touching moment.
Then he told me it was over.
Not gonna lie, I was a little peeved about that one….
…but why get mad when you can get even, right?
I knew I had to be cautious when witch hunter
Reverend Hale came to town, because being executed as an accessory to witchcraft wasn’t
high on my list of priorities.
So naturally, my first move was to throw Tituba under the bus.
Then, when I noticed that my former minion, Mary Warren, was getting too cozy with Elizabeth,
making her a sweet little dolly.
…
… I put on an Oscar-worthy show of being poked with a needle, voodoo-style.
Bingo, the investigators found Elizabeth’s new doll, and the trial was on!
You have to admit, that one was total genius.
I was starting to feel invincible...if I didn’t like somebody, I threw around the “W-word,”
and they were thrown in the slammer.
It was fantastic.
There was a slight hiccup when Mary Warren turned stoolpigeon and testified about the
doll, but I was on top of it.
I said that I saw Mary's spirit appear in the room as a yellow bird.
Okay, not very original, but you try framing someone on short notice!
That got Mary in line again, and she named John as the one trying to recruit her to Team
Satan.
I thought John would be smart enough to keep his big yap shut, but he was so desperate
to save his precious Elizabeth that he actually admitted to adultery...
…not a great way to climb the Puritan social ladder.
John’s little confession nearly cost me my victim cred, but fortunately, it backfired
when Elizabeth lied to protect his reputation.
Ha!
Watching them try to save each other was kind of sweet, in a “claw your eyes out and stomp
on them” kind of way.
I decided I had to get over it, so I took my uncle’s money and ran.
It's hard to care about Massachusetts when you're sipping piña coladas in Fiji.
Things might have worked out for John, too, if he hadn’t had this weird prejudice against
lying.
All he had to do was admit to being a witch, and take a hit to his reputation.
But right up until the end, he refused to hand in a signed confession...
…and Elizabeth did zippo to convince him, since he was being all noble for her and the
kids.
Ugh.
They deserve each other.
I feel a little bad that he was hanged, but hey, that's what you get for dumping me!
Could you pass the sunscreen?