(dramatic laugh)
- Welcome to bless your rank.
My name is Matt, and today,
we are ranking hot sauces.
♪ Hot sauces ♪
Not all the sauces, not the cold sauces,
not the medium sauces.
I'm talking about the hot sauces.
Some real saucy hots.
(Banjo music begins)
I, I like hot sauce.
I'm a saucy boy, give me all the sauces.
Put that on my tombstone.
(church bell rings)
RIP here lies the saucy boy, he did too many sauces.
I know there are hot sauce,
like super fans who carry bottles
around with them on their person,
like they're strapped, like they get that nine on them,
but they don't, they got that bottle of Tabasco
on them and they flip it out.
God bless you, I can't remember to take,
like my keys with me places.
You're also bringing hot sauce bottles.
But if that's your thing, go for it.
Criteria if you want to put it out there,
I think we should like take,
start taking criteria back out of the bless your rank
because I don't really, I don't really know.
- [producer] Criteria is not real
- This is (duck sound) criteria.
Taste, taste is the only thing that matters.
We are ranking it based on taste.
you think I care what the bottle looks like,
kind of, I mean, these pretty bottles in here today,
half these bottles are pretty.
Now this is what I look from a hot sauce. Really two things,
i want heat and flavor
because they are not one and the same,
but we are looking for all around.
Like I am just eating these straight up on a saltine
cracker, so it is fair game.
And you were being ranked on taste alone because there's
nothing more tasteless than crackers or maybe you just like
food from up north Baby.
(sarcastic laugh)
burn!! Like hot sauce baby
That's how we do it here on it's a Southern thing,
Bless your ranked, 2021, episode 47,
Here we go.
Competitor Number one,
(skidding sound)
I love the sound that made.
Louisiana hot sauce,
♪Louisiana hot sauce ♪
So when I see this bottle I think
of most seafood restaurants that I have been to
growing up mom and pop seafood restaurants.
I feel like this is the table
hot sauce of seafood restaurants, in the south.
Man I'ma open a catfish restaurant.
Let's do it! lets just shut this down, Let's go be..
How did you!? i can't open this. The perfect hot sauce.
One drop does it.
It says, that's actually the copyright of that.
That's interesting, three ingredients, aged peppers,
distilled vinegar and salt, Louisiana hot sauce.
Put it directly onto the tongue. Get all it, get it,
taste it.
It's good.
There's definitely flavor in those peppers that you can
taste. And they're really good.
Heat is just slightly above flavor and the mouthfeel is,
is very warm. This will just warm me up in general.
I'm going back for two, that's a good sign,
That's a good sign!
I like it, It's good.
I don't know of anybody that says this is their favorite hot
sauce though. The heat,
(clears throat)
already getting to me a little bit.
(indistinct)
kinda drop at the back of my throat there,
and it is just doing a little tickle.
Its less of a tickle and more just like, like a sucker punch
Louisiana Hot sauce will not win today,
but still like quality, hot sauce.
Can't go wrong with this, will not judge you
if I walk into your house,
and this is the hot sauce that you have. And yes
I will be making random unannounced house visits in 2022.
So get ready,
Matt is coming and knocking and you better have your pantry
full of bless your Rank winners.
Louisiana hot sauce congratulations
you're in first place, (whispers), for now.
Competitor number two, crystal is spicy bet
crystal hot sauce.
Also from the state of Louisiana, crystal hot sauce.
They are bringing all the flavors to America and we've kind
of already known that about Louisiana in both their food and
their culture,
Louisiana bringing the heat, that that's fresh.
Put that on your, your billboards or something.
I don't know. Oh, well first ingredients here, aged red
cayenne peppers, distilled vinegar, salt.
They ain't mess,
They don't mess around with garlic sauce in Louisiana.
They ain't about it. They don't want it.
I know people whom, this is their favorite.
They swear by crystal hot sauce.
So I am ready to lose some friends today.
If this doesn't win.
Here we go. Crystal hot sauce.
Well, baby that's good.
That's got so much more flavor than Louisiana. Not,
not as much heat. I feel a little bit on the back end,
but it is blowing past it, as far as flavor goes.
I actually, I like this a lot.
Me gets to oblige
I don't know if it's the perfect balance,
cause I feet like the heat could be a little higher up like
just a smidge to meet flavor, but it's pretty darn close.
I think a crystal hot sauce
is better than Louisiana hot sauce
for the sake of my producer strangling me.
I'm going to make it look close
by putting them side by side.
Competitor number three,
Ooh, Texas Pete
(makes cowboy sound)
look at him go.
Texas Pete was absolutely the hardest hot sauce to find
for some reason,
in some places they don't even have a shelf space to stock
it. And then others was out.
So it was like super popular right now, which is news to me.
I missed the memo that this is Texas Pete season.
Made in, well you'd think Texas, right?
Well, you'd be thinking wrong.
It's a product of Winston Salem, North Carolina.
Texas Pete is a lie, he's Carolina pete.
And honestly I can see why he didn't name him that.
Because that sounds really stupid. Texas Pete
sounds like a dude that looks like this label.
He's got an Arby's cowboy hat on, and he is roping himself
possibly, what it looks like right here.
(liquid sauce shaking sound)
The bottom green, vinegar, peppers, water, xanthan gum.
I love,
I love bubble gum seems to have a runnier consistency than
the other hot sauces. Also stubborn.
Come on, Texas Pete get out of there.
What's going on here anyway, Texas Pete
I just got a lot of questions about Texas Pete.
Here we go.
Why is this so popular?
This isn't that great.
I just hate like how runny it kind of is.
Heat's not that strong. It's it's it's pleasant.
Okay. I, I think I know who this is for.
I Matt Mitchell, do solemnly swear that people who think
Texas Pete is the best hot sauce.
Don't actually like hot sauce.
Yeah, Don't don't Sue me though,
I mean, we have attorneys, but I don't,
I don't think they're very good. Yeah,
Texas Pete hot sauce is very firmly
in third place and I expect
them to probably just continue to slide down the rankings as
we go.
And I think I understand now why it's called Texas Pete hot
sauce, even though it's made North Carolina.
I don't think North Carolina wanted to put their name on it.
Competitor number four,
Tapatio, Tapatio,
I can make the face that this man is making.
Here's what I know about Tapatio.
I think from Mexico, it is not from Mexico.
It is from California.
It is commonly found in Mexican restaurants.
(not speaking English)
And I know from taking Spanish for several years,
that this means a
salsa, very salsa.
I think, there's a lot floating in here.
Like way more than the other ones.
Made of water,
red peppers, salt, spices, garlic.
So we've got some garlic in here.
(makes shaking sound)
okay. It is blowing all the other ones.
As far as like flavor out of the water.
There's a lot going on here. Ooh.
It is the kind of like spices and stuff that you would taste
like traditionally in like Mexican food. Ooh, Ooh, Ooh.
The heat!
Hello! most definitely the hottest one that we've had yet.
I drank one of these earlier and it had no effect on me,
but Tapatio is hitting some notes here on the tongue.
Kind of making me look like a (beep)
I'm the guy in my family
that can eat a lot of a hot thing and it doesn't bother
him. I'm that guy!
I'm that man! I'm a man!
I'm 40,
(crowd disbelief sound)
I'm actually 35.
I'm in a tough spot here.
I felt like heat and flavor blew past everybody else,
but it's a little aggressive.
Gosh, this is the widest thing I've ever said.
I really lik it,
but I don't think this is an everything sauce,
but I do think it is leaps and bounds ahead of Texas Pete.
I'm even gonna put it to ahead of Louisiana,
but I'm not going to put it above crystal because crystal
does feel like more of an everything sauce.
So Tapatio second place.
Competitor number five.
Welcome to the table.
Old bay hot sauce.
Old Bay hot sauce or game day brunch.
I hate this. I hate, I hate that already.
I don't like brunch.
I thought I've established that I'm not a fan of brunch.
And I get a lot of, i catch a lot of flack for it,
but I don't, I don't care.
I'm going to stand by it. We have breakfast.
We have lunch.
There's no need to combine that into one meal.
Don't take a meal away from me.
Old Bay I didn't know this existed until like today,
but I do love old bay. I think,
I think there's a lot of debate in the south about whether
our old bay is Southern and it is made in Maryland and
Maryland on some maps is considered a Southern state. Well,
I'm going to insult Maryland now as I had been doing and
say,
you're not a Southern state and watch how many people from
Maryland come to defend themselves in the comment section,
spoiler alert. No one will, no one will.
This smells like, okay.
I'm kind of excited to try this, but I do.
I do love old bay season.
This is more brown than it is red. Honestly, man,
this is going to be interesting to say the least,
Old Bay hot sauce, here we go.
This is definitely a hot sauce with old bay seasoning it.
I don't know how to feel about that,
I don't think this should exist.
No, What are you..
get out of here bug!
- [producer] What is that?
- The suggestions for this are like hot wings,
Buffalo wings.
I would not turn this into a base for Buffalo sauce. I just,
I don't think that's a good idea.
This would be great with seafood and probably nothing else.
Then there's a picture of, I assume a bloody Mary,
thats for you brunch people, I don't know.
This is not great. This is also this isn't.
This is not great. This is not, it's better than Texas Pete,
but it's not number one. It's not number two.
Its not number three. It's just not the worst.
Cause that belongs to Texas Pete AKA red water.
Competitor Number six is
Tabasco
I feel my sinuses are very clear right now.
I'm smelling things that I have not smelled in years.
So here's what I know about Tabasco.
That they are fanatics, for Tabasco. I mean,
this is the only hot sauce that I've seen up here that has
like Merch. Tabasco is legit.
It is a brand.
And there are people who are passionate about Tabasco,
who will say, it's not hot sauce.
Tabasco is Tabasco sauce. And to you people,
I say calm down, pick something else to be passionate about.
Life's too short to get into arguments about sauce.
- [producer] Isn't that the basis of what we are doing?
(sarcastic laugh)
- This is the definitive ranking, this is not like,
I mean, this is final, if, if your hot sauce
doesn't win this ranking,
You just gotta shut up.
Ingredients, vinegar, red pepper,
salt, And that's it.
Yeah, it's definitely orange,
but it's also more clear than any other. Yeah,
most definitely the runniest of all the sauces so far
Going back for more because i kinda of like it.
I don't know why I like it, but there's just some kind of,
there's a flavoring and it was just like really good,
really simple and really good and the heat is like,
I think it's a perfect level of heat for all sauce.
It's just something about this. It's just special.
It doesn't, it doesn't taste like any of the other ones.
I just wish it was thicker. I guess.
I think it's second place.
I think Tabasco is a second place here.
I think crystal still has a beat,
but I think it is just barely edging out Tapatio.
Competitor Number seven,
Cholula [Indistinct]
It looks like Cholula, right?
Yeah. Let's just put this,
Let's figure this out once and for all,
I got a number here.
- [Phone Robot] For English, press one,
(not speaking English)
Thank you for calling Cholula consumer affairs.
- Cholula
- [Phone Robot] For allergy and ingredient..
- Can you say that again
- [Phone Robot] Please hold briefly
for the next available consumer affairs representative.
- They should probably train everybody
to take calls from YouTubers.
- [Phil On The Phone] Thanks for calling Cholula, this
is Phil, who am I speaking to?
- Hey Phil, this is Matt.
Phil, I just want to make sure I'm saying this right.
Is it Cholula?
- [Phil On The Phone] It is Cholula, yes sir
- Cholula
- [Phil On The Phone] Yeah Cholula
- Okay thanks
- [Phil On The Phone] Okay Matt thank you
- Love you
Well, we learned two things just now.
It's Cholula and Phil doesn't love me.
This is another hot sauce commonly found in Mexican
restaurants and this, because this is, unlike tapatio.
This is from Mexico. Legit made in Mexico,
imported from Mexico, headquartered in Stanford,
Connecticut. So I don't know why they did that,
but that's a thing. Water peppers, salt vinegar,
garlic powder spices, and some gum.
Shake Well, sealing may occur.
I liked the capital lot big fan of this big fan of his cap.
Ooh. Now that is a,
that is a beautiful sauce collar right there.
Look at that hot sauce color. That is a reddish orange.
And it is, I feel like it's the perfect thickness.
Here we go.
So it's the same type of like peppers and spices.
I feel like that just in tapatio, but without the heat,
where's the heat. Am I killing my tongue already?
I may have killed my tongue. No, there it is.
And there goes, this is supposed to be hot.
Yeah, it says so right here, Hot sauce.
I'm kinda of disappointed because
the flavor Is there
I feel like if the heat was just a little bit higher,
it would be a top hot sauce, but it's not, it's just,
it's just kind of underwhelming.
Like this is like hot sauce for
People who don't like hot stuff.
So I think maybe it's very close to Louisiana hot sauce
for fourth place right now.
I probably would give a Louisiana hot sauce the edge,
but it is a huge gap between Cholula and old bay and Texas
Pete. I feel like I feel good about that.
(coughing)
I wish I brought some mucin eggs, and I would just dabble
some hot sauce on some mucin eggs and just see what happens.
Just blow my sinuses out.
(explosion sound)
Last sauce, competitor number 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8.
It's Frank's red hot, yeah
red hot bell bottle plus hot sauce
ball. Just real quick.
Doctors of the chat. If my snack turns red,
is that a problem? I will say this.
This is, makes a dag gum fine base for Buffalo sauce.
(talking while shaking)
I suppose I should just do the
rest of the talking like this
Sometimes you gotta give Frank a Little spank.
He likes it. It's consensual.
I made kind of a smiley face accidentally.
Well now it's got a melted into a,
it was like this and now it's like this.
Anyway, here we go.
Frank's red hot.
Nope, its red hot.
It is red hot, okay. I just go, what did I do that for?
I just put my tongue on it. That was kind of tasty.
Hmm, Hmm.
That is some dang gum farm hot sauce made in Missouri.
I feel like he is just barely overpowering flavor. I mean,
it's almost a perfect balance,
but he just barely a notch above it.
I think that's why it probably makes
such a great buffalo wing
base, because then you dilute it with butter and we all know
that diluting anything with butter makes it infinitely
better.
The question is is better than crystals because it is really
good. And I am thinking it is,
it may be the top is at the top one.
And I just need to remind myself of what crystals is like
and what Frank' s is like.
I put them both on the same saltine.
So crystal,
I feel pretty good about this.
I have had a lot of hot sauce today.
My taste buds are still functional somehow,
and I think that the best hot sauce and the winner of bless
your rank,
is Frank's it's close.
It's close. It is very close.
I think Frank's just has a little bit more flavor in it,
but this is a solid,
like you cannot go wrong with hot sauces from,
from Cholula up. You can go wrong here.
I think there are certain things for these.
Like I think old bay has a purpose in seafood and I think
Texas Pete would make a great base for like a, a trashcan.
This is good and this is top tier
this right here, fantastic!
But just slightly better is Frank's red hot.
Now we now drink them all.
Now we pour them all in a bucket and we make a bloody Mary
and we may open our little brunch spot called
bless your brunch.
But it's not really a restaurant it's jail.
It's to trap people who like brunch,
and every day we trap a whole new
brunch people.
And then we force them to watch videos that will educate
them about how stupid brunch is.
And then when we feel like they're ready to go back into the
world to be productive members of society and eat lunch and
breakfast separately, we'll let them loose.
(country music continues)
Hey, you made it to the end of the video.
A second surprise bless your rank.
This is the part where I tell you that it's actually
reversed and Texas Pete won.
I'm just kidding, that's ludicrous.
Do you know what's not ludicrous? the potluck.
It's our membership program for, its a Southern thing.
If you love bless your rank and all the other stuff we do,
then you should join by going to Southernthing.com/potluck
to join.
You get all kinds of cool stuff like swag, discounts on our
merch, and you can even decide what the next episode of
Bless your rank is going to be.
We send y'all some options and you choose which one you want
to see. And which ever one gets the most votes,
I am forced to rank.
It is terrifying for me,
but so far you haven't made me eat salad yet.
And so for that, God bless you.
Thanks for watching. Love you,
especially you Phil.