Mark: How do you know if you are the one rebounding, especially when the dude actually looks like
your ex? How do you deal with a man who just doesn't seem to be into relationships or doesn't
consider himself relationship material, and what do you do when your boyfriend says he
has a girlfriend that isn't you?
Speaker 1: Welcome to Ask Mark. It's week number 59. I'm here with beautiful Jermia
in New York again... in the city. We have some really cool questions today. Join the
Facebook group. Hey, Jermia is in there. I've got my master coaches in there. It's an amazing
community. Now you should definitely be in there too and let's get straight into the
questions today. First one's from Nikki. Nikki, great question. Hey Mark, I am wondering if
it's wrong to pursue someone similar to an ex. I originally met this guy in a nightclub
and approached him as his physical appearance is almost identical to my ex who I was very
attracted to. We're off to a great start, but I don't really plan for it to be a one
time hookup. Ends up that didn't happen at all and a month later, we're still in daily
contact and I find myself liking him more and more.
No. The more I find out about, more and more as I find out about his personality
and his morals. I get on really well with this guy and our interest and hobbies, uh
our interests and goals really align rather. But I feel really guilty about the reason
I initially approached him, which is totally understandable. Due to his similarities, I
do find myself occasionally comparing to my ex. So I think that's really unfair on him.
And any tips on how to avoid this? And Nikki also says, I'm also worried about introducing
him to friends and family in the fear they'll say something to him about being a physical
copy of my ex as they have already noted the resemblance to me. Uh, I'm just unsure as
to what to do. I'm really interested in this guy, but I'm worried this could be an issue.
Good question.
Jermia: Very good question. Super loaded question. Lots of stuff in there to address.
Mark: Yeah. So we talked about how to know if you're re, uh, sorry, how to know if the
guy's rebounding. Yeah. Now we're talking about how to know if YOU are rebounding.
Jermia: That's true. You kind of need to figure out how long. Well, we would need to know
rather how long it's been since you actually broke up with your, your ex and to the point
where you actually met this new guy as well. Cause I think that's gonna play a little bit
of a part in this.
Mark: Timeframe plays a big part. Now, there's one question I always go to in this situation
and, and it's the one that we'll come back to at the end, but this is kind of the big
one that you can base the answer to this question around.
Jermia: Yep. And that is if your ex came back into the picture, what would you do? So would
you ditch this new guy and run straight back to your ex? Or would you say, no, I've actually,
I'm on a really good thing with this new guy. See you later ex, I'm over you. That's going
to be the big thing that's going to determine kind of how you feel and if you are rebounding
or not.
Mark: Yeah, that'll give you a lot of answers. If you answer that question honestly within
yourself. If the ex came back, begged for you back wanting to make things work again,
where would your loyalty lie?
Mark: So that's the big question you want to ask yourself. Now Nikki, don't feel immediately
guilty for dating someone with similar characteristics. I mean we all, what tends to happen, and I
see this in a lot of clients, I've even done this myself once and I've seen it in a lot
of men, is we date someone the opposite.
Jermia: Yeah. You go for the complete opposite trait.
Mark: Everything in reverse and then we get out, we think it's great for a bit and then
we're like, wait, something's so bad in certain ways, lots of stuff going for him. So don't
be ashamed of picking some similar traits to your ex, Nikki. As you say here what you
want to do is you're best to stop comparing.
Jermia: and the best way to go about that, is to really just to go deeper with him. You
know, talk more to him. Find out all the differences that he, that he has because you know he's
a completely different person. He's not your ex. So the more you get to know him, the better
you get to know him. The stronger your connection becomes, the more things you're going to discover
that are different and you will pick that up and be like, Oh cool, and then you can
appreciate him for the person that he is not because of the similarities.
Mark: Yes, focus on those differences. Focus on, he's different this way. Go deeper with
him. As Jermia says. This guy's going to start to look less and less like your ex as you
get to know him better and better and always come back to that question at the beginning.
If my ex walked in now and just beg for me back, would I give him the flick or would
I stick with this guy? That's going to give you your answer.
Jermia: Yeah.
Mark: Beautiful.
Jermia: Yeah.
Mark: Good question. Second question is from who we got, Jovanna? Jovanna's in the Facebook
group, so come and join it. I'm picking more and more questions from the Facebook group
as well, so make sure you're in there. Jermia's is in there. Brett, my master coach is in there
doing a fantastic job.
Jermia: We're over 1,000 strong now, so exciting.
Mark: Over 1,000 strong. Come and join us. Jovanna,
Jermia: Big question. What if you want a relationship with someone who is not the relationship type?
So in my example, four years ago I had casual sex with one guy, now four years later, we
live in the same town again and we work in the same school, so we are colleagues and
friends, but somehow I started falling in love. I really like to talk to him, but sometimes
I'm so nervous. I'm not sure if he can see me as potential girlfriend material because
we had casual sex and also he has never had a longterm relationship or any public relationship
at all for that matter. What do you think? What should I do? How should I show him I
want a relationship, not just sex. Sometimes I want to say something a little bit like
dirty or flirty, but I'm afraid that he will think that I just want sex. Maybe we should
stay friends.
Mark: So Jovanna, when I read this question, I was actually on a coaching call literally
yesterday with a man who was a little bit similar to this. Whenever I read no relationships,
especially past a certain age, that sort of 30s or later range. When I hear no relationships,
he hasn't had this before, that's telling me that this guy is emotionally unavailable
and not out for relationships. He's just, he's doing his thing. Sometimes it's a conscious
decision. He's made. More often it's a subconscious decision he's made that that guy, he's just,
he's not wanting to invest. Me and Jermia were talking about this.
Jermia: Yes, the, I actually know someone just like this. He's been like this in his,
his entire life. He's just super not interested in having a girlfriend. He will kind of have
flings with people here and there, but as far as actual relationships go, not his thing,
not interested and no one is going to change that for him. So my advice on this one, it's
not going to happen. So he is, I'm early thirties. So there's a very, very good chance that this
person is just not going to come around. And unless you do want just strictly casual sex,
that's not casual sex with any sort of agenda of like, you know, maybe if we get together
then maybe he'll like me. Not that. If you just want casual sex, he's the guy for you,
but not a relationship.
Mark: Yeah. Jermia is exactly right here. And you know, over time, these men's association
with commitment might change in the very long term. In other words, he might get to 50,
he might have a look back on his life, realize he's had no major connections in it. Get sad
about it and have enough pain to motivate him to go, okay, I'm going to examine this.
I want to work on this. That gentleman you were talking about, you said even in the short
relationships he's had, he's cheated every single one. So he's, he's, as soon as he gets
even close, he goes in and, and um, self sabotage is that?
Jermia: Yes, exactly.
Mark: I actually, Oh, you're going to say something?
Jermia: No, I was just going to say that's not the kind of person you want to put your
life on hold for. You don't want to be like, all right, cool. I'm just going to be in the
waiting Bay for the next 10 years. Possibly longer while you figure out your stuff. Okay.
That's not the guy you want to be with.
Mark: I actually found a comment on the channel. Um, this is from Edward and it's on topic.
Edward says, okay, so here's what puzzles me. I'm 32, attractive single young bachelor.
Much like your friend. Yes. Uh, I have a friend, many women, click with them. Chemistry is
there, uh, I have fun, they're cool. Uh, hell, I've even been friends with them for months
before having sex. Uh, and it was great, but I can have sex and not want a relationship
with them. Physical and mental attraction is there, but I just don't want a relationship.
He says, any insight? Am I a textbook f*ckboy? And then he goes on to say, I, he goes on
to say I definitely do enjoy being single. I suggested that, is that a big part of it,
Edward? And he said, well, I enjoy being single. I'm not going to tell someone I love them
when I'm unsure. I just wonder why I don't seek a relationship. I will see that the people
they are awesome and attractive, but I do constantly tell myself I'm not the best version
of myself yet. I want to bring 110% of myself to the table. I thought this comment was fascinating
because it shows the type of man that Jermia, the type of man you're talking about and the
type of insecurities that underlie it. So I don't think Edward's like a textbook f*ckboy.
I don't think he wakes up in the morning trying to be a f*ckboy or trying to be an ass to
women. Yeah, he's not waking up with that. You can see he's, he's basically saying like,
I'm not enough yet. It's an insecurity from him that he doesn't believe he's enough. So
a subconscious thing comes up and likely every time a woman gets close to him, he goes nah,
nnn nah like, it's scary. It just feels wrong to him. He bails out before things can even
get going. If he maybe ends up in a relationship, he probably cheats just to get the hell out
again. So it can be because he doesn't believe he's enough and there's those insecurities
there. It can be because you know an example I've seen was when a young man lost his father
at a, at a key age and basically, he said every time I get really close to someone they,
they, I lose that. And so he had a really deep subconscious fear of intimacy. So you
can get all sorts of reasons for this. It's invariably subconscious. And as Jermia says,
don't try to change.
Jermia: Yeah, that's not your issue to deal with. They've got to work on that themselves.
Mark: Yeah. On a slightly less serious note, we have our final question for the day. Slightly
less serious. It's from bruzer and bruzer says, I broke up with my BF cause he has a
GF and he told me but thought he was joking.
Mark: He told her, just so you know, I have a girlfriend.
Jermia: That's me. No, I have a girlfriend. Okay, I'm going to break up with you then.
Um, I think you probably were right to break up with him if he had a girlfriend.
Mark: Seriously. Seriously. You understand I have a girlfriend, right? Oh you're such
a jokester. I love you, mister. Okay, fine we're together. Just FYI, right? Oh, you're
serious? I wanna break it up. Yes.
Jermia: Why didn't you tell me?
Mark: Break up with him? Yes, you was right.
Jermia: Yes you was right.
Mark: Very much was. Thank you for watching. We are in the Facebook group. We are there,
me the master coaches, we have spectacular grammar in there to answer all of your comments.
Don't forget to leave a comment below the video as well. Questions? Thoughts. Give it
a like. Questions, thoughts for future Ask Marks. We'd love to hear them. Yeah, don't
forget to hit the big red subscribe button.
Jermia: With the little bell.
Mark: So you get the notifications. We'll see you on Ask Mark. Thank you from New York
and yeah, we'll see you again next week.
Jermia: Bye
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