- When I was a kid, I always wanted to be an astronaut
because I wanted to see
if the moon was really made out of cheese.
Now I love being an astronaut
because I'm as far away as possible from everyone on earth.
I'm hoping they won't make me go back.
I love being a human resources manager.
Helping people solve their problems
and work out their conflicts is my specialty.
Plus I get to know all the hot office gossip.
Like Jason?
He's got hemorrhoids.
I am so incredibly lucky
to get to do what I love for a living.
(explosion)
I would have done this for free.
I couldn't imagine a job where I sit behind a desk all day,
so instead, I build desks all day
for other suckers to sit behind all day.
Okay, folks, next on our tour
is some historical stuff behind me,
but what's much more interesting
is this guy on a park bench over there
who says he's met aliens from another dimension.
Actually a lot of what he has to say is quite eye-opening.
So let's all go say hello.
I am here to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt
that the defendant is guilty of murder.
Your Honor, when this case is done,
you might need to try me for murder as well
'cause I'm gonna kill it today.
Hey, everyone, welcome to my new talk show.
I'm so excited to be replacing that last host (laughs).
I'm infinitely more charming anyway
and a much better dancer.
Who's ready to have fun?
You don't look like you're having fun.
In accounting, it's just me and the spreadsheets.
The spreadsheets don't want to know if I had a good weekend
or what I think about the weather or how my family is doing.
They never ask anything of me except to input the numbers.
And in the end,
the numbers are perfectly balanced.
As all things should be.
That's a fair question, folks.
If you vote for me,
how will I make your life better than my opponent would?
Well...
That depends on what you mean by "better."
Being a nurse might not be as glamorous as being a doctor
and it certainly doesn't pay as well,
but I get to go around
and give a bunch of people sponge baths.
You think a doctor can handle that?
Pfft!
Get out of here, no way.
Your company has brought me in here today
to evaluate all of you
and recommend any under-performers for termination.
So I'm gonna go around and give each of you a chance
to say why you should keep your job, okay?
Let's make this quick.
You've got 10 seconds, go!
I've done it, everybody.
I've created the Coronavirus vaccine.
Now you can all go back outside
and leave me alone so I can get some real work done.
As an art critic, it's not easy telling everyone
that they have no talent
and that their taste is garbage (laughs).
I'm just kidding.
It's actually very easy.
Like with your shirt,
what were you thinking when you put that on?
Were you trying to make us all throw up?
Do you have a sick bag with you?
'Cause I think I might need it.
I'm a beloved author of a wildly successful book series
with tons of awards and acclaim,
movie adaptations raking in tens of millions of dollars,
now to do what so many authors before me couldn't:
be a recluse and keep my mouth shut on social media.
(ominous music)
I really love teaching. (children making noise)
Okay, class, time to settle down
while I'm talking to the grownup, okay?
It's a really rewarding job. (children making noise)
Children, in your seats!
And I just love making a difference. (children making noise)
That's it, say goodbye to your recess!
Being able to help people as a counselor
is one of the most rewarding jobs in the world,
especially once you get over the imposter syndrome
and the crushing fear
that you're being paid to give bad advice
that will ruin someone else's life forever.
I mean, I hope I get over that one day.
We've got new designs, people,
in addition to some of your old faves.
So check it out in the link below
so you can keep repping your favorite YouTube channel,
which is this one.
That's right.
There's a demolition app for iPad.
You jerks. (chuckles)
Start having fun! (laughs)
This is the stupidest thing.