So recently I had a client of mine ringing me up
and she was in a really tricky situation.
Her and her boyfriend of three years have basically just broken up.
Now, they live in the same flat together
and they've got five months left on the contract.
So not only are they going to have to share the flat
for another five months, but because it's a one bed flat,
they're going to have to share the same bed.
Can you even imagine how difficult that must be?
I remember helping one couple in particular whose communication
had become so toxic, that they could no longer hear and understand
what the other was asking.
All they heard were their worst fears.
Let's face it, breaking up is never easy.
But when you're in a situation that forces you to get on with an ex,
it can be a really difficult divide to cross.
People fall madly in love and in my experience,
they fall madly out of love as well.
You might find yourself in a tricky situation
if you live in the same halls as your ex at university
or you go to a party or a wedding of a mutual friend
or you happen to work together.
Often the people I help share children and assets.
And although you may not like them at the moment,
your ex is likely to be your best possible resource
to help you look after your children
and create the life that you want for yourself.
A messy breakup means that you need to find creative ways
to cross the divide.
I know it's not always possible
but really try to give one another proper space after the breakup.
Ideally commit to going around six months to one year of no contact,
just so that you give yourselves the chance to get each other
out of your systems.
Take advice from all sources -
Accountants, tax advisors, benefit officers -
whatever is going to help you the most.
If you have an area that you're afraid of,
if you're afraid of finances... get help.
Don’t ignore it or stick your head in the sand and hope it will go away,
it won't.
Embrace it and grow.
When you do see your ex in a social situation,
go out of your way to take the high road, however difficult that may be.
Say hello, be graceful, be mature.
So I was in a situation like this myself a few years ago.
I had been asked to do a speech at a festival
about a book that I'd written, now this book was mainly
about a really painful breakup that I'd had with an ex.
And my new boyfriend of a year had come to watch me do this talk.
And as the workshop started,
in walks my ex, from the book, with his new girlfriend.
And look, this could have been such an awkward situation
for my new boyfriend, but as soon as the workshop was over,
he went right up to my ex, introduced himself
and they ended up really, really getting on.
So much so, that he has very recently asked my ex
to be an usher at our wedding next year.
Get in touch with the new you and who you want to be.
Think about where you might want to be in a year's time.
Be curious about those options, think about your wider context.
Get back in touch with your passions, your friends
and the person that you may have compromised in the relationship.
Focus on the future and the person you want to be,
rather than the painful events that may have taken place.
Whatever you do, do not put your mutual friends
in an awkward position by making them choose between you and your ex
or talking really negatively about your ex behind their back.
Trust me, this does not put you in a good light.
Mentalise and empathise with your ex-partner's needs
and try to be objective.
It takes a great deal of emotional effort
to see your ex through that lens.
But remember you did love them once,
and you did see their positive attributes.
They still have them, you just can't see them right now.
Thanks for watching! :)
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