- Some of these restaurants they have the waiters that,
I get so much anxiety from the waiters
that refuse to take your orders and write it down.
They insist on memorizing your order.
(audience laughing)
Oh, my God.
I have so much anxiety.
I don't know why they insist on doing,
like they're impressing us in some way, you know,
like we're gonna go home later that night lying in bed
talking, "I still can't get over that waiter.
(audience laughing)
(heavy sigh)
"Every single thing he remembered.
(audience laughing)
"Uh!
"The green beans, I thought about that, too,
"on the side and...
"Good night."
(audience laughing)
If I see they're not gonna write it down,
I say, "Do you mind if I write it down and give it to you,
"and then you take it in the kitchen?
"Is that okay?
"Cause, I'd like it to come out right."
(audience giggling)
It's just so, I'm filled with anxiety when they come up
to the table and they just come up and they,
"And the lady will have?
(audience laughing)
"Thank you.
(audience laughing)
"And for the gentleman?
(audience laughing)
"Shouldn't be a problem.
"I'll speak with the chef,
and, yes, and the green beans on the side.
"I'll do that, thank you.
(audience laughing)
"And for you?
(audience laughing)
"Deathly allergic, all right.
"I'll remember that, yes, no, deathly allergic.
"I got it right there.
"Thank you.
(audience laughing)
"And next.
(audience laughing)
"Thank you.
(audience laughing)
"And this side of the table.
(audience laughing)
"Excellent choice."
I hate when the say, "Excellent choice," right after me.
Like, what was my choice?
It wasn't, why do you say that to her?
(audience laughing)
Some of the nicer restaurants have the bathroom attendants
in there, which is a, I don't understand
how that job got started.
That was somebody's idea.
I don't know who started that.
I don't know if some person, a customer in the restaurant,
"I'd like to speak to the manager."
"I'm the manager, was there a problem with the meal?
"Everything okay?"
"Everything was fine, thank you, delicious as a matter
"of fact, but when I went into the bathroom,
"I was all alone.
(audience laughing)
"Nobody was in there."
(audience laughing)
"All right, so you'd like someone to go in with you?"
"No, I'd like someone already in there
"before I get in there waiting, listening."
(audience laughing and applauding)
The bathroom attendant used to be a simple thing.
There was a woman in there and there was a hair brush
and some mints that, by the way,
who's using that hair brush?
(audience laughing)
There's hair in it already and you...
(audience laughing)
Now, it's like it's grown.
It's like now there's anything you could possibly want
in the bathroom, it's like a whole bodega
is setup in there, there's like.
There's a makeup display.
There's a curling iron, hair extensions.
(audience laughing)
Crudites.
(audience laughing)
"Oh, are those strawberries in season?
"Those look good."
(audience laughing)
You leave the bathroom to go back to your table,
"I'm full, I ate in the bathroom.
(audience laughing)
"I don't need anything.
"Oh, and the hummus was good."
(audience laughing)
If I go in there and if I don't have any money on me
and they're trying to hand me the towel, I feel, I
"No, thank you.
"I can't.
"No.
"I don't, no, I don't deserve it.
"Give it to the lady there.
(audience laughing)
"No, thank you.
"I'm good."
(upbeat heavy bass instrumental music)