-Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show"!
Thank you for watching. Thank you for being here.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, guys, this weekend, President Biden went after
big social-media platforms like Facebook
for not doing enough to stop the spread of COVID misinformation.
Yeah. Our country has gone from
"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself"
to "Please don't take medical advice from a meme."
[ Laughter ]
Seriously, you know there's a problem with Facebook
when you can find more honest information on Tinder.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, Biden doesn't want Facebook to prevent young people
from getting vaccinated.
Everyone under 30 heard and was like,
"That is so cute, but literally none of us use Facebook.
But that is so..." [ Laughter ]
"Aww."
Yep, Biden and his administration are busy.
In fact, they're now reversing a Trump-era rule
that made showerheads have more water flow.
[ Laughter ]
In response, Trump spent the day inciting a riot
in the plumbing section of a Home Depot.
[ Laughter ]
Speaking of Trump, check out what the authors
of a new book said about the recent interview
with the former president.
-At one point in the 2 1/2-hour sitdown
with the book's authors at Mar-A-Lago,
Mr. Trump suggested that if George Washington
came back from the dead and chose Abraham Lincoln
as his vice president, it would have been very hard,
he says, for them to beat him.
[ Laughter ]
-If George Washington came back from the dead
and chose Lincoln as his running mate.
Does Trump think Abe Lincoln's still alive?
[ Laughter ]
Well, guys, the Olympics are almost here,
and the athletes in the Olympic village
are sleeping on beds made of cardboard.
And some people think that they're meant
to discourage any intimacy.
[ Laughter ]
That's nice. You finally reach
your Olympic dreams and have to sleep on an Amazon box.
[ Laughter ]
That's right, a bed designed to discourage sex,
or as it's also known, an air mattress.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah. That's right.
'Cause of COVID, organizers want to make sure
every athlete is as celibate as a badminton player.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, we're gonna get letters from the badminton people.
[ Laughter ] [ Cymbals crash ]
Yeah, everyone's been talking about these beds,
so a gymnast from Ireland put them to the test
in a viral video that he posted.
This is great. Check this out.
-The beds are meant to be anti-sex.
They're made out of cardboard, yes, but apparently,
they're meant to break at any sudden movements.
It's fake. Fake news!
[ Laughter ]
-Yeah, it works fine as long as you have the body
of a 70-pound Irish gymnast.
[ Laughter ]
So you're completely safe as long as you have sex like this.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Jumpin'.
[ Laughter ]
-Here's some good advice.
Yesterday, during his weekly address,
Pope Francis urged people to learn how to take a break
and turn off their phones.
Then the Pope ended his address by saying, "That's my sermon.
Be sure to smash that like button and subscribe."
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, the Pope said to look closely at "The Last Supper"
and notice how everyone left their phones in a pile
at the end of the table. [ Laughter ]
Jesus was like, "Peter, Matthew, give up the phone, please."
[ Laughter ]
"We're not gonna do this again, hence the title."
[ Laughter ]
-Come on! [ Applause ]
-"What kind of supper you think this is?"
Some entertainment news. I read that Paramount+
has ordered a "Grease" prequel series.
Yeah. The movie takes place
before the original "Grease," which means the actors
will only be about 48. [ Laughter ]
[As John Travolta] "Can't believe I'm in high school.
I got these high school problems."
I think I'm going through puberty, right?"
[ Laughter ]
"I can't believe -- Look at this new issue
of 'AARP Magazine,' right? It's amazing!"
[ Laughter ]
"Ha! You guys get your Social Security checks?
This party's gonna be on point."
[ Laughter ]
"I love being in high school. It's unbelievable."
-"I've fallen, and I can't get up."
-"Oh, my God! There's Werther's Originals everywhere.
It's amazing, right?" [ Laughter ]
[ Normal voice ] Hey, get this.
Over the weekend, there was a lot of debate online
about the lyrics to Bruce Springsteen's song
"Thunder Road."
Some fans think he says, "Mary's dress sways."
But the rest say it's, "Mary's dress waves."
Let's hear it.
♪ The screen door slams ♪
♪ Mary's dress sways ♪
-Yeah, interesting. Not really sure,
but we actually have someone on the phone right now
who can clear it up. Bruce, are you there?
-Yeah. Hey, Jimmy.
[ Laughter ]
-Thank you for being here. Now, I don't know
if you've heard about this, but people online
were having trouble understanding your song.
-Oh, yeah, I heard about that.
[ Indiscernible ]
-Right, right. Well, I imagine a lot
of your fans have been reaching out
and asking if it's "sways" or "waves."
-Right. [ Indiscernible ]
-...sways or waves... [ Indiscernible ]
...wave runner wave wave.
[ Laughter ]
-Thank you so much for agreeing to come on the show
and clear things up once and for all.
Whenever you're ready, go for it.
-Two, three...
♪ Screen door slams ♪
♪ Mary's dress waaay ♪
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Thank you so much for clearing it up.
Bruce Springsteen, everybody.
-Yeah... [ Indiscernible ] ...Jimmy.
[ Applause ]
-It's "sways." Sure.
[ Laughter ]
Some business news. I saw that grocery stores
are now selling frozen Chuck E. Cheese pizzas.
[ Audience groans ]
And this is fun. The pizza is also being used
to make the cardboard beds in the Olympic village.
-Oh! [ Laughter ]
Isn't that amazing? -Recycle.
-I read about a man in Florida who was arrested
after crashing a stolen car through an airport fence
and boarding a Coast Guard plane.
[ Laughter ]
I mean, I'm not surprised. It happened in Florida.
I bet -- [ Laughter ]
I bet we could plug in any three random words or phrases,
and it would link to an actual Florida news story.
Let's try it. It's time for
"Florida News Roulette." Here we go.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-♪ Florida News Roulette, yeah ♪
-Now here's how it works. The computer will generate
three random words, and we'll see if there's
a Florida news story based on those words.
Let's get our first three right now.
[ Beeping ]
Candles, bear mace -- [ Laughter ]
Candles, bear mace, and Bath & Body Works.
Bear mace? -Bear mace.
-What's the difference between bear mace and regular mace?
-About $3.50. [ Laughter ]
-Not sure how those could make a news story,
but, hey, in Florida, who knows? Let's take a look.
-Oh, South Florida. The search is on tonight
for a man who police say used bear mace to steal candles
from Bath & Body Works.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Wow. [ Applause ]
All right, let's give it another spin here.
Here we go. Let's try.
[ Beeping ]
Alligator, miniature golf, cocktail lounge.
I couldn't even imagine what this could be.
Let's see.
-A Florida man is in jail after police officers
spotted him trying to throw a live alligator
onto the roof of a beachside cocktail lounge.
Police say the 32-year-old man told officers he stole the gator
from its pen at a miniature golf course and was, quote,
"Teaching it a lesson." -Yeah, that's right.
[ Laughter and applause ]
That's right, man. Taught him a lesson.
-Showed him. -Absolutely.
Showed him, man. [ Laughter ]
-"I'll show you!"
-He was teaching the alligator a lesson.
-The alligator was rude. -That's right. Absolutely.
-I'm gonna throw you on top -- -But he was trying to...
-Yeah, he was trying.
Alligator didn't learn his lesson.
Let's try one more time. Here we go.
What have we got?
[ Beeping ]
Everglades, emergency landing, taco.
-Taco. -All right.
Let's see what happens.
-A couple of guys had to make an emergency landing
in their plane in Collier county last week.
They survived and told officials they were flying across
the Everglades on a taco run.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Big deal. Needed some tacos.
And, finally, I saw that there is a Swiss mountain
for sale on eBay for $235,000.
Sounds like a bargain, but the shipping costs are a fortune.