Top story.
ProPublica reports that venerated Supreme Court justice and strict
interpreter of the document that calls him 3/5 of a person.
Clarence Thomas did not disclose the 2014 sale and renovation of properties owned
by Justice Thomas and his relatives to Texas billionaire conservative activist
and man with a definitely non supervillain name Harlan Crow.
This comes after ProPublica's report that Harlan Crow bankrolled
previously undisclosed vacations with Justice Thomas
because no one can resist partying with this guy.
That revelation led Justice Thomas to release a statement reading in part,
Hello.
They're just friends.
Me and my bros always get together, watch the game and buy each other's
moms houses.
Now, here to discuss is The Daily Show's Desi Lydic.
Thank you for joining us, Desi.
Thank you, Tyler.
Now, Desi, I assume you're coming to us live from a house
that a friend bought and renovated out of the goodness of their heart.
Isn't that just what friends do?
Yes. What he did was clearly illegal and unethical.
But I have to say, from a
from a headlines standpoint, I really appreciate this story.
You know, Supreme Court Justice accepted lavish gifts and property
from a Nazi sympathizing Republican billionaire megadonor.
This is truly Trump era corruption,
Mad Libs at its finest.
Wait, just because Harlan Crowe collected Nazi artifacts does not make him
a Nazi sympathizer.
The last thing we need is a lawsuit from a Nazi sympathizer.
Just as Tavis needs a backup job as a real estate investor
in case his lifetime appointment doesn't work out.
We all know why this is happening.
Both Clarence Thomas and his wife, Jenny are minorities.
Clarence Thomas is African-American and Jenny Thomas is Xanx-American
Harlan Crowe bought Clarence Thomas mom's house because he needs as much space
as he can get.
You can't fit all the furnishings of the Third Reich into one house.
Absolutely not.
Now, moving on to the 2024 presidential campaign.
Obviously, the Republican candidates are 100% pro-life,
except when the life of their doomed presidential campaigns is at risk.
Former South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley, who is so passionate
about the Palmetto State, she made the Palmetto tree
her personality, said this about abortion to a crowd in Iowa.
Yes, your body. Your choice.
Our choice to wholly abandon our political project of 50 years.
Now, Desi, Republicans obviously made a mistake when they legislated
women's bodies.
It took us more than six weeks to realize it, and we want to reverse course.
What's so wrong with not wanting to live with never winning elections?
Well, look, I...
I think it's clear that Nikki Haley's stance on abortion is still gestating.
And I'm really excited to see what it looks like when it's fully developed.
Nikki Haley has, built a career over flip flopping, everything
from her support of Trump to the Confederate flag to now abortion.
So this shouldn't necessarily be surprising.
But at the end of the day, I believe women.
I believe Nikki Haley
now, I believed her before she changed her mind.
And I will believe her again when she changes her mind in the future.
Republicans should be able to
pass unpopular laws and still win elections.
Which is why I'll say it again.
Republicans need to secretly pass laws under a tarp.
What are they doing under there?
Popular stuff, I'm sure.
Now, moving on.
Desi, you've demonstrated through your wildly popular series “Desi Lydic
Fox explains” that you understand the conservative mind.
Which brings us to our new game
I will say a thing that happened and you tell me
if it's a liberal conspiracy or that's just what happened.
Ready?
All right, I'm ready.
And away we go.
First one, Manhattan D.A.
Alvin Bragg charges Donald Trump with crimes.
Liberal conspiracy.
Or that's just what happened.
That is just what happened. Wrong.
Wrong! Liberal conspiracy.
The Deep State knew the best way to kneecap Trump was to
charge him with a victimless crime based on an incomprehensible legal theory.
I don't think that's right but okay, we can move on.
Thank you very much.
Next up, I lost my life savings betting on the masked singer.
Liberal conspiracy or that's just what happened.
Okay.
This one is pretty impossible for me to know for sure.
But based on our brief interaction, I'm going to say that actually happened.
Liberal conspiracy, because it makes so much sense that I
would find a singing show so titillating that it blew out my pleasure centers
and I'd have to place massive life destroying bets to feel anything at all.
Screw you dandelions. Next up.
My mother only calls me to ask for money.
Oh, God. I don't know.
Maybe that's just what happened.
Liberal conspiracy.
My God.
AOC is holding her hostage.
Mommy loves me just the way I am.
And finally, Bill Clinton is a free man.
Liberal conspiracy, or that's just what happened.
That's just what happened.
That's correct.
That's just what happened.
He's a total Boy Scout.
Assuming you ignore all the witness accounts and Epstein jet flight records.
And that's how you play:
All right.
I'm going to impress my grandpa's friends
by doing a backflip off the roof of their hospice.
So that's all the time we have.
Thank you to my esteemed guest, Desi Lydic.
Thanks, Desi.
Thank you, Tyler.
I hate to be the one to tell you this, but I think you might need therapy.
Well, I would do it if they didn't have a national restraining
order against me.