(cheesy music)
(sighs)
- Hi, Mom.
(anxious music)
I don't know, Mom.
I just don't.
I just don't wanna talk about it, okay?
I don't wanna talk about it, I don't wanna talk about it.
Mom, I said I don't wanna talk about it.
How are we speaking to our parents?
Are we hanging up on them?
Are we raising our voice?
Are we interrupting?
Mom, mom?
(gasps) You know, you're...
You know, you know, I don't need to listen to this.
I don't, I'm not listening to this.
It can be really uncomfortable, but necessary,
to look ourselves in the mirror.
How are we speaking to our parents?
(inspiring music)
Welcome to the "The Parenting Junkie Show."
I'm Avital, and this is the place to be
to love parenting and parent from love.
Today I'm answering a question from Samantha.
"Dear Avital, I totally believe
"in peaceful and respectful parenting,
"but I feel as though I'm letting my children disrespect me.
"It says in the Bible, 'Obey thy father and thy mother,'
"and here I am letting them disobey me and disrespect me.
"I worry that I'm raising kids who are disrespectful.
"Thank you so much for any insights
"on how to reconcile this, Samantha."
I totally understand this question.
When you wanna be a peaceful parent,
it can sometimes feel like you're raising children
who don't know how to be respectful
because you're not demanding the obedience and the respect
that mainstream culture tells us to,
because in our culture we want obedience.
It's even in the Bible, right?
Well, maybe so, although I personally speak Hebrew,
and in reading the original text of the Ten Commandments,
I could tell you that the interpretation
and the translation that I grew up on
was that it didn't say obey your father and your mother,
but rather respect your father and your mother,
and that the meaning of respecting them
was to be considerate of them, to care for them,
to make sure that they could live with dignity,
with a roof over their head, and shelter,
and clothing, and food.
Being respectful in this way
was about having compassion, and civility, and being polite,
not about obedience,
not about fulfilling each and every wish and whim,
and living your life in accordance to their demand.
We can debate the interpretation of the biblical verse
as much as we want,
but the point that I wanna make is that
I think peaceful parenting
can actually create a truer, deeper,
meaningful sense of respect for another.
The difference between the mainstream parenting approach of
our children need to be taught to obey us and to respect us
and the peaceful parenting approach
is that in the peaceful parenting approach
we put the onus of respect on ourselves,
and if you look at the biblical verse again,
it's kind of interesting that it says,
"Respect thy father and thy mother."
In other words, you are commanded to respect,
not to demand respect from someone else.
The biblical verse and this commandment
is on each and every one of us
to be respectful to our fathers and our mothers,
not to tell our children to be respectful to us.
Now, this doesn't mean
that we shouldn't raise children who respect us,
but it does beg the question:
How do we create an atmosphere of respect
without demanding it?
What we need to do here is shift our perspective
and put the onus
of teaching respectful attitudes and behaviors
on ourselves, on the adults who can understand this.
Rather than demanding respect,
let's become people who command respect.
After all,
even though all people deserve respect all of the time,
it can be really hard to respect someone who yells at us,
punishes us and threatens us,
someone who controls us,
or who demands that we respect them,
so if we wanna raise children who are respectful,
here are three things to consider.
Number one, respect your elders.
Remember that the commandment to be respectful is on us,
and I don't just mean this in the biblical sense.
I mean it psychologically too.
We are the ones who need to be respectful
of older generations, and of all people,
in order to model and teach respect.
Think back to the last conversation
you had with your parents,
or with a lady in the supermarket.
Those are the times that we model respect for our children,
and we show them how we should treat others,
the way we treat our aging parents,
the way we care for them,
the way we talk to them on the phone:
I know that's not easy for you.
Well, do you wanna explain that to me
from your perspective,
'cause I'm having a hard time understanding that.
These are the things that will karmically come back to us.
These are the ways that our children are really learning,
on a deeper, more ingrained level,
what respecting elders means.
Number two is to respect your youngers.
- [Child] I wanna eat.
- Okay, I'm on the phone, I'm on the phone.
- I want-- - Stop interrupting me!
I'm on the phone!
- I want to eat. (woman grunts)
- You know, you are so rude.
Can you just go?
Go.
Oh my god, it is non-stop, let me tell you.
We've already mentioned here
that everybody deserves respect, no matter their age,
and it doesn't mean being obedient.
Doesn't mean that we listen to everything that they say,
and do everything that they ask,
but it does mean
that we care to speak politely and kindly to them.
The way that we talk to our children
will necessarily, by definition,
be mirrored back in the way that they talk to us.
If we listen to them without interrupting,
and if we talk to them in gentle and kind tones
that preserves their dignity,
we can expect those things back to us
because that is how children develop.
They mimic what they see around them.
(laughs) I know what you mean.
Yeah, okay. - I want to--
- Just, just, sorry, um, sorry, just one moment.
I hear that you're interrupting me.
I'm just on a phone call.
I'll be with you in three minutes, okay, darling?
- Okay. - All right.
If we treat them with respect,
we're much more likely
for them to be the type of people who respect others,
including us.
And finally, number three,
and this is one I know a lot of us struggle with,
respect yourself.
Remember that we teach people how to treat us.
We teach them with how we treat ourselves.
If you are grabbing your meals on the go,
and eating just toddler leftovers,
if you're not brushing your teeth or having your shower,
you can expect other people to disrespect you as well.
The energy that we put out into the world
is the energy that gets reflected back to us,
and if you want your children
to mirror that respect for you,
you're going to need to hold those boundaries
around respecting yourself, whatever that means.
Does it mean giving yourself more time?
Or does it mean finishing a project that you've started?
Or does it mean just washing your face in the morning?
Respect yourself,
and don't allow others to talk to you
in a way that disrespects you.
If your child is being disrespectful to you, tell them that.
Say, "I find that disrespectful.
"Please don't talk to me that way."
Ask them to rephrase it.
"Please can you say that in a more polite way?"
or, "Share your feelings.
"I don't like being spoken to that way.
"Can you say it more respectfully, please?"
Our children don't know how to treat us until we teach them,
and that's true for everybody in our lives.
When you respect yourself,
you become someone who commands respect,
just with your presence and your energy field,
rather than someone who has to scream and yell
to demand respect.
Do you ever worry about raising children
who are disrespectful?
I know I do,
and I would love to have that conversation with you
over at theparentingjunkiecom/blog.
Just leave your comment there on this post.
I would love to hear.
Did you know that "The Parenting Junkie Show"
has a podcast version as well,
where we dive deeper into these issues.
I would love to invite you on over there.
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Keep on loving parenting and parenting from love.