OH, ALL RIGHT.
I HOPE THIS WORKS.
HAPPY WEDNESDAY, EVERYONE.
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW
TONIGHT!
JUDGE JANINE IS JOINING US!
[APPLAUSE]
AND WHY NOT?
I HAVE PICTURES OF HER!
>> AW!
>> Greg: YOU KNOW IT’S
ILLEGAL TO WRITE POODLES
DRESSED UP AS A COWGIRL?
>> HA-HA.
>> Greg: JUST CHECKING.
WE’RE BREAKING NEW GROUND.
IT’S TIME FOR
"SCRATCH-N-SNIFF MONOLOGUE."
THIS HAS NEVER BEEN DONE AND
PROBABLY FOR GOOD REASON,
BUT IT’S TRUE.
AT ANY MOMENT, YOU, DEAR
VIEWER, WILL BE ASKED TO
SCRATCH THE TV SCREEN WHEN
AN IMAGE APPEARS, AND THEN
YOU HAVE TO GUESS WHAT THAT
IMAGE SMELLS LIKE.
I KNOW!
THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG WITH
ME.
THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG WITH
ME, BUT ISN’T THIS FUN?
IT’S A SPECIAL TREAT FOR ALL
OF YOU AT HOME AND FOR OUR
FANS WATCHING FOR FREE AT
BEST BUY.
SO LET’S GO TO THE 1st
ONE.
YEAH.
ALL RIGHT.
HUH?
OH YEAH, THERE YOU GO.
THE SCRATCH-N-SNIFF.
GET UP THERE.
GET UP TO YOUR SCREEN.
SMELL IT.
SMELL YOUR FINGERS.
GET UP THERE.
ALL RIGHT, WHAT’S THAT SMELL
LIKE?
WHAT’S THAT SMELL LIKE?
NOW IF YOU GUESSED PARMESAN
CHEESE, YOU WIN. BUT WE WILL ACCEPT CRISCO,
BUT WE WILL ACCEPT CRISCO,
BECAUSE WE KNOW HE DOES.
HUNTER CLAIMS HIS DAD VIEWED
HIM AS A GOD.
IF THAT’S NOT AN ARGUMENT
FOR ATHEISM, WHAT IS?
THE RECORDING WAS STORED ON
THE LAPTOP WE WERE TOLD WAS
RUSSIAN DISINFORMATION BY
THIS LADY.
REMEMBER HER?
ALL RIGHT.
GET UP THERE.
YOU HAVE TWO SECONDS TO
SMELL HER.
WHAT DOES SHE SMELL LIKE?
DOES SHE SMELL LIKE A NEW
CAREER?
YOU’RE RIGHT.
BUT WE WOULD HAVE TAKEN
RUSSIAN DRESSING.
ANY WAY, LET’S GO TO HUNTER.
I WONDER IF WE’LL TALK ABOUT
ANYTHING.
>> LET’S TALK B UM, ANYTHING
THAT I -- LET’S TALK ABOUT,
UM, ANYTHING THAT I WANT TO
THAT HE BELIEVES IN.
IF I SAY THIS IS IMPORTANT
TO ME, THEN HE WILL WORK A
WAY IN WHICH TO MAKE IT A
PART OF HIS PLATFORM.
THE MAN I MOST ADMIRE IN THE
WORLD, THAT GOD TO ME,
THINKS I’M A GOD.
AND MY BROTHER DID, TOO.
AND THE THREE OF US, IT WAS
LITERALLY I HAD THE SUPPORT.
I CAN DO ANYTHING.
>> Greg: INCLUDING HIS
BROTHER’S WIFE.
ANY WAY.
HUNTER CLAIMS HIS DAD WOULD
DO ANYTHING HE SAID WHICH
MUST HAVE MADE THE HOOKERS
VERY NERVOUS.
SPEAKING OF "POP," HERE YOU
GO.
ALL RIGHT.
WHAT’S THAT SMELL LIKE?
GET UP REALLY CLOSE.
TAKE A DEEP WHIFF.
IS IT DISASTER?
INCOMPETENCE?
LOADED PAIR OF DEPENDS?
POLYGRIP?
YESTERDAY HE PUT ON A SHOW
AT AFL-CIO.
THAT’S THE NEW BEN & JERRY’S
FLAVOR.
BUT HE DOESN’T WANT TO HEAR
ANYMORE OF THESE LIES.
>> I DON’T WANT TO HEAR
ANYMORE OF THESE LIES,ABOUT
RECKLESS SPENDING.
WE’RE CHANGING PEOPLE’S
LIVES!
>> Greg: YEAH.
WE’RE CHANGING PEOPLE’S
LIVES.
THAT’S TRUE ACTUALLY.
MY NEIGHBOR PHIL NOW DEMANDS
TO BE CALLED PHYLLIS.
WE’RE ACTUALLY CLOSER NOW.
YESTERDAY, I WENT BRA
SHOPPING WITH HIM.
IT’S DIFFICULT.
BUT IF JOE IS CHANGING
PEOPLE’S LIVES, HOW IS THAT
A POSITIVE?
POLIO CHANGED LIVES, TOO.
I’M NOT SAYING JOE WAS LIKE
POLIO, OR AM I?
AM I?
DOESN’T MATTER, BECAUSE I
BET HIS PLAN IS SIMPLE.
>> MY PLAN IS SIMPLE.
FIRST, I’M DOING EVERYTHING
IN MY POWER TO BLUNT PUTIN’S
GAS PRICE HIKE.
GOING TO TAKE TIME, BUT LET
THE WORLD COORDINATE THE
LARGEST RELEASE OF WHAT I’VE
BEEN ABLE TO DO.
THE LARGEST RELEASE OF OIL
FROM THE GLOBAL FUNDS IN
HISTORY.
>> Greg: HE DIDN’T EVEN
LIKE THE SENTENCE HE STARTED
WITH.
I’M DONE.
I MEAN, THAT WAS A MESS, AND
IT WASN’T TRUE BUT, OK,
BECAUSE HIS PLAN ISN’T
FINISHED, LIKE THAT SENTENCE
SENTENCE, AND THE RESULTS
AREN’T FINISHED EITHER.
>> THAT’S WHY MY PLAN IS NOT
FINISHED AND WHY THE RESULTS
AREN’T FINISHED EITHER.
>> Greg: THE RESULTS
AREN’T FINISHED?
THAT’S THE SAME THING THE
PLASTIC SURGEON SAID ON
MICHAEL JACKSON’S FACE.
OH, WHAT?
TOO SOON?
THE ONLY THING THAT REMAINS.
SO WHAT’S HIS SOLUTION FOR A
FLAILING ECONOMY?
I BET ALL HE’S ASKING FOR IS
FOR THE LARGEST CORPORATIONS
AND WEALTHIEST AMERICANS TO
PAY THEIR FAIR SHARE.
>> ALL I’M ASKING IS FOR THE
LARGEST CORPORATIONS AND THE
WEALTHIEST AMERICANS TO
BEGIN TO PAY THEIR FAIR
SHARE IN TAXES.
>> Greg: WE WOULDN’T MIND
PAYING OUR FAIR SHARE IF WE
WEREN’T ALREADY.
HE’S RIGHT.
PAYING $5 A GALLON FOR
GASOLINE AND $6 PER POUND
FOR A HAMBURGER ISN’T FAIR
AT ALL, TO US.
I ALWAYS KNEW LIVING IN NEW
YORK, I WOULD EVENTUALLY GET
MUGGED.
I JUST DIDN’T THINK IT’D BE
BY MY BUTCHER.
BY THE WAY, SINCE WHEN IS
RAISING TAXES THE SOLUTION
FOR INFLATION?
WE’RE ALREADY GETTING TAXED
BY RISING PRICES, AND NOW
YOU WANT TO ADD MORE?
IT’S LIKE HE’S ONLY GOT ONE
TOOL TO FIX 20 DIFFERENT
PROBLEMS.
AS PROCKTOLOGIST WHOSE ONLY
MEDICAL INSTRUMENT IS A HAND
GRENADE?
AT LEAST HE’S NOT COUGHING.
[COUGHING]
>> I’M NOT JOKING!
>> Greg: LAST TIME I
COUGHED LIKE THAT, I WAS
BEING CHECKED FOR A HERNIA
BY KEVIN SPACEY.
SORRY.
NO DOUBT, JOE’S BEEN EXPOSED
TO COVID-19, BUT IT’S
COVID-18/19 BUT AMERICA
STILL HAS A CHOICE TO MAKE.
>> AMERICA STILL HAS A
CHOICE TO MAKE.
>> Greg: DO WE IMPEACH YOU
NOW OR INVOKE THE 25TH
AMENDMENT?
WHAT ABOUT THE BETTER-PAYING
JOBS?
>> BETTER-PAYING JOBS FOR
BEEN JOBS FOR THEM AND THEIR
FAMILIES.
IT’S BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE
THAT’S HAPPENED IN THIS
COUNTRY.
>> Greg: YEAH, A LONG
TIME?
YOU HAVE TO HARKEN ALL THE
WAY BACK TO 2020!
OH, THOSE WERE THE DAYS.
SO WHY IS EVERYTHING SO BAD
NOW?
WELL, INSTEAD OF FOCUSING ON
THE ECONOMY, HIS WOKE WHITE
HOUSE TARGETED PARENTS AT
SCHOOL BOARDS, ELEVATED
IDENTITY OVER EDUCATION,
MADE SURE EVERY JOB
APPOINTMENT WAS A HISTORIC
FIRST AND A HISTORIC WORST.
INSTEAD OF PRIORITIZING
COMPETENCE.
AND NOW UNDER BIDEN, EVEN
TAMPONS ARE IN SHORT SUPPLY.
IF THAT’S NOT A WAR ON
WOMEN, I’M JOY BAYHAR AND
HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT I’M NOT
NOT?
WE COULD PASS FOR TWINS IF I
STOPPED SHAVING MY BACK.
BUT THAT DOESN’T AFFECT JOE,
BECAUSE NOTHING DOES.
HE’S JUST ALONG FOR THE
RIDE, AND HE’S NOT EVEN
DRIVING AND THAT’S WHY AS
GAS PRICES SOAR, IT’S ALSO
NOT HIS PROBLEM.
LAST TIME HE WAS BEHIND THE
WHEEL, IT WAS WHEN HIS
SECRET SERVICE MEMBER PULLED
HIM AROUND THE WHITE HOUSE
GROUNDS IN A RED WAGON.
SO WE HAVE A PRESIDENT WHO
NOT ONLY DOES NOT FEEL YOUR
PAIN, HE’S NOT EVEN THINKING
ABOUT IT.
ONLY ONE THING AT A TIME AND
THAT THING IS USUALLY HOW DO
I CLIMB THE STAIRS?
HE’S NO FIGURE FOR A CRISIS.
LOOK, I KNOW MY LIMITATIONS.
IF I’M AT A PARTY AND YOU
NEED SOME DRINKS, I’LL
MAKE ’EM, BUT IF SOMEONE
STARTS CHOKING, I’D BE AS
USELESS AS DR. JILL BIDEN.
AND THAT KIND OF EMERGENCY,
I WILL DISAPPEAR QUICKER
THAN JESSE WATERS WHEN THE
CHECK ARRIVES.
WE NEED SOMEONE TO THROW US
A LIGHTSABER HERE, NOT A
DUM-DUM, HAH?
I WONDER WHAT JOE HAS TO
SAY?
>> HEY COME ON, MAN, LOOK,
LOOK, I’M SICK AND TIRED OF
IT, MAN.
HEY, LOOK, I KNOW SOME
THINGS ARE MORE EXPENSIVE.
GAS AND -- BUT SOME THINGS
ARE LESS EXPENSIVE.
YOU HAVE TO LOOK AROUND.
I MEAN, LOOK AT THIS.
MY FELLOW PILLOW, THIS GUY IS
HAVING A 2-FOR-1,
PRACTICALLY GIVING THEM
AWAY.
HAVE YOU PRICED LP RECORDS
LATELY?
LOOK AT THIS.
THESE COST $10.
$1.50 ON eBAY.
MACHO MACHO MAN.
THEY GOT EVERYTHING ON
THERE.
ALL RIGHT?
A LITTLE OVER $1.
HOW ABOUT THIS?
.99 CENTS?
CHER’S GREATEST HITS.
LOOK, I THINK SHE WAS BETTER
AFTER SHE LEFT IKE TURNER.
♪ DO YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE
AFTER LOVE ♪
[COUGHING]
>> Greg: HA-HA!
LET’S WELCOME TONIGHT’S
GUESTS!
CRIMINALS ASK BAILIFFS TO
PROTECT THEM FROM HER.
COHOST, JUDGE JEANINE PIRRO.
HE’S SO CHISELED,
MICHELANGELO IS JEALOUS,
HOST OF CAN’T CANCEL ROB
SMITH, ROB SMITH.
SHE ONCE GOT A NOISE
COMPLAINT FROM AN AIR HORN.
FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR KAT
TIMPF.
AND HIS JUMPING JACKS
REGISTER ON THE RICHTER
SCALE, MY MASSIVE SIDE KICK
AND THE NWA WORLD CHAMPION
TYRUS!
JUDGE, WELCOME TO THE SHOW.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Greg: YOU LOOK VERY
WELL POLLINATED.
>> WELL, THANK YOU.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
YOU LIKE MY FLOWERS?
>> Greg: I LIKE YOUR
FLOWERS.
THEY’RE BLOOMING.
>> HA-HA.
THAT’S ENOUGH!
>> Greg: IT IS ENOUGH.
IT IS ENOUGH, JUDGE.
WELCOME TO THE SHOW.
HOW DID YOU LIKE THE
SCRATCH-N-SNIFF SEGMENT?
THAT WAS AN EXPERIMENT.
>> I’LL TELL YOU, THE MOST
DISGUSTING, THOUGH, WAS JOE
BIDEN.
I MEAN, THAT WAS REALLY
SCARY.
>> Greg: EXACTLY.
WHAT’S GOING ON, JUDGE?
WHAT ARE WE DOING?
>> WHO?
HIM OR US?
>> Greg: US.
OUR COUNTRY.
WHAT DO WE DO?
YOU HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS.
>> LOOK, IT’S ALL RUSSIA’S
FAULT.
IT’S ALL PUTIN’S FAULT.
YOU KNOW WHAT THE PROBLEM
IS?
>> Greg: WHAT?
>> WE ONLY GOT 8% OF OUR OIL
FROM PUTIN.
THEN WITH THE UKRAINE WAR,
WE CUT DOWN TO NOTHING, YET
EVERYTHING IS STILL PUTIN’S
FAULT.
I DON’T KNOW WHICH ONE IT
IS.
>> Greg: IT IS TRUE.
IT’S ONLY 8%.
>> IT’S LESS THAN THAT NOW
BECAUSE OF THE WAR.
>> Greg: ISN’T THAT CRAZY?
HE’S POINTING FINGERS AND I
HATE IT WHEN THEY POINT
FINGERS, ROB, ESPECIALLY
WHEN IT’S AT ME.
>> INTERESTING.
THE MOST INTERESTING THING
ABOUT THE HUNTER BIDEN STUFF
IS THE MAN THAT JOE BIDEN
THINKS IS A GOD IS A CRACK
HEAD.
THAT EXPLAINS A LOT OF THESE
POLICIES COMING OUT OF THIS
ADMINISTRATION.
THEN WHEN YOU WATCH JOE
BIDEN, IT’S LIKE HE’S GOT
TWO DIFFERENT THINGS.
EITHER HE’S SCREAMING AT YOU
OR HE’S DOING THAT CREEPY
WHISPER WHICH I’M GLAD
DIDN’T HAPPEN BUT IT’S
ALMOST LIKE HE’S THAT MEME
OF THAT OLD MAN YELLING AT A
CROWD.
HE’S LITERALLY ABRAHAM’S.
[INDISCERNIBLE]
THAT’S WHO HE IS AT THIS
POINT.
>> Greg: I HAVEN’T SOUGHT
OUT OLD BE A SIMPSON IN A
WHILE.
HE’S MY FAVORITE AFTER O.J.,
OF COURSE.
EVERYONE HAS A FAVORITE
SIMPSON.
ASHLEY.
ANY WAY.
WHY DID THAT COME INTO MY
BRAIN?
TYRUS, WHAT DID YOU THINK OF
THE SNATCH-N-SNIFF?
GIVE IT A RATING?
>> I THINK IT SHOULD BE DONE
ON MONDAY.
I THINK IT’LL BE A GREAT
THING ON MONDAYS.
I’LL WATCH IT FROM HOME.
I WILL TRY IT OUT AND TELL
YOU HOW IT WORKS AND TEXT
YOU AFTERWARDS.
>> Greg: BECAUSE YOU’RE
NOT ON THE SHOW ON MONDAYS.
>> YEAH.
CAN I ANSWER YOUR QUESTION
ABOUT THIS OR DO YOU JUST
WANT TO --
>> Greg: DO YOU GET THE
IMPRESSION THAT DEMOCRATS IN
POLITICS ARE ALL ABOUT
KNOWING WHAT IS BETTER FOR
YOU THAN YOU KNOW WHAT IS
BETTER FOR YOURSELF SO YOU
CAN GET RID OF THE PROBLEMS
LIKE THE HIGH GAS.
>> YOU CAN COMBINE THE
HUNTER BIDEN SITUATION WITH
HIS POLICY.
IT’S BAD PARENTING.
>> Greg: OOH!
>> ACROSS-THE-BOARD.
HE’S NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS
SON’S ACTIONS, BUT HE IS
RESPONSIBLE FOR ENABLING HIS
SON’S ACTIONS.
IF YOU’RE A PARENT AND YOUR
CHILD IS AN ADULT AND HE’S A
DRUG ADDICT, YOU DON’T KEEP
THROWING MORE MONEY ON IT.
YOU CUT HIM OFF.
>> Greg: RIGHT.
THAT’S TRUE.
>> YOU PUBLICLY LET EVERYONE
KNOW HE’S GOT A PROBLEM.
YOU STEP DOWN FROM OFFICE TO
TAKE CARE OF YOUR FAMILY.
AS SENATOR, HE SHOULD HAVE
BEEN DOING THAT HE NEVER
SHOULD HAVE RAN FOR
PRESIDENT KNOWING THE ISSUES
THAT ONE OF YOUR CHILD HAS.
HE’S NOW MADE HIM A TARGET.
YOU TAKE THAT, HOW IS HE
GOVERNING?
HOW IS HE RUNNING THIS
COUNTRY?
WHAT IS HE DOING WHEN
THERE’S A PROBLEM?
HE TAKES OUR MONEY AND
THROWS IT ON IT?
AND HE CAN KEEP PULLING IT
AND ON IT.
SO FORGET ALL THE ESPIONAGE
AND RIGHT WING STUFF,
WHATEVER, OUR PRESIDENT IS A
BAD PARENT AND HE’S RUNNING
OUR COUNTRY LIKE A BAD
PARENT.
AND THAT’S WHY EVERYTHING IS
EXPENSIVE.
>> I WOULD LIKE TO GET
EMANCIPATED.
[APPLAUSE]
>> Greg: I’M GOING TO BE A
GREAT PARENT BY NOT HAVING
CHILDREN.
>> YES!
>> Greg: MY NON-KIDS WILL
THANK ME LIKE THANK GOD,
WHEREVER THEY ARE.
YOU KNOW, KAT, LET’S BE
HONEST, OF ALL THE PEOPLE IN
THIS STUDIO, WE KNOW HUNTER
WAS ON COKE.
>> EXACTLY.
>> Greg: YOU KNOW THAT
CONVERSATION.
>> MANY THINGS COULD ALWAYS
BE TRUE AT ONCE.
OBVIOUSLY THERE’S CORRUPTION
GOING ON IN THE BIDEN
FAMILY.
IT’S EQUALLY OBVIOUS THAT
THAT RECORDING SOUNDS LIKE
EVERY MAN EVER ON COCAINE.
YOU KNOW, IF YOU DID A STUDY
OF THINGS THAT PEOPLE SAY
WHEN THEY’VE BEEN COKED OUT
FOR DAYS, I CAN DO ANYTHING!
AND HE THINKS I’M GOD!
THOSE ARE PROBABLY RIGHT AT
THE TOP.
HIS VOICE IS ALL RASPY.
HE SOUNDS LIKE HE’S BEEN
HUFFING DRUGS FOR QUITE A
WHILE.
I DON’T DOUBT THAT EVEN IF
NONE OF IT WERE TRUE HE’D
PROBABLY BE FEELING IT. PEOPLE WHO ARE COKED OUT
PEOPLE WHO ARE COKED OUT
TEND TO HAVE HIGH
ESTIMATIONS OF THEIR
ABILITIES.
>> Greg: HE NEVER SHUT UP.
COKE HEADS WILL TALK ABOUT
ANYTHING.
THEY’LL TALK ABOUT THEIR
SCREEN PLAY.
BY THE WAY, SO I HAVE THIS
IDEA, HALF JUDGE, HALF ROBOT
FIGHTING ALIENS ON AN
UNCOVERED PLANET THAT’S
INSIDE EARTH.
>> OK, I’VE NO IDEA WHAT
YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT, BUT
WHAT I WANT TO ASK IS HOW
COME THE TWO OF YOU KNOW
WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE COKED
OUT?
>> THEY WATCH AME.
THEY WATCH AME.
THEY WATCHED THE HUNTER
BIDEN DOCUMENTARY ON FOX
NATION.
>> WHO NARRATED THAT
DOCUMENTARY?
I DID, AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT
THEY DID.
>> I VOLUNTEER WITH
UNDERPRIVILEGED -- I DIDN’T
WANT TO BRING IT UP.
I DON’T WANT TO BRAG.
>> Greg: REAL JOURNALISTS
LIKE ME ARE HAPPY TO -- YOU
HAVE TO GET INTO THE HEAD OF
A COKE HEAD, RIGHT?
>> YEP.
YEP.
>> THERE’S AN OFFICE FULL OF
THEM RIGHT NOW, INTERVIEWING
THEM EVERY WEEK.
>> AND I SPENT MY LIFE
PUTTING PEOPLE LIKE THAT --
NOT YOU -- IN JAIL.
>> Greg: WELL, YOU KNOW
WHAT?
>> WHAT?
>> Greg: YOU MISSED THIS
LITTLE GUY.
I CRAWLED RIGHT THROUGH THE
BARS.
>> WHAT IS THAT ABOUT THE
ALIEN?
>> Greg: FORGET ABOUT IT.
IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO.
THE BIGGEST STORY HERE, THEY
COVERED UP THIS STORY TO WIN
AN ELECTION.
THAT’S THE BIG STORY.
YOU WONDER WHY THERE WAS A RALLY JANUARY 6th IS
RALLY JANUARY 6th IS
BECAUSE PEOPLE HAD INTUITION