- HAPPY HUMP DAY TO EVERYONE.
[cheers and applause]
AND TO MY NEW VIEWERS IN CHINA, HAPPY HUMP DAY IN CHINESE.
[laughter]
I TOLD YOU YESTERDAY THAT WE'RE NOW STREAMING ONLINE IN CHINA.
THE INTERNET IS AMAZING.
THANKS TO THE INTERNET, I'VE BEEN ABLE TO ACCOMPLISH SO MUCH
AND THEN ALSO GET SO LITTLE DONE AT THE SAME TIME.
SO MANY THINGS ARE EASIER THANKS TO THE INTERNET, LIKE SHOPPING.
HOW MANY OF YOU-- DO YOU SHOP ONLINE?
EVERYBODY? YEAH.
HOW MANY OF YOU KNOW YOUR UPS DRIVER BY THEIR FIRST NAME?
[laughter]
NOW, AMAZON IS TRYING TO MAKE SHOPPING EVEN EASIER FOR YOU.
THEY HAVE ANNOUNCED THAT SOON, THEY WILL BE ABLE
TO SEND YOU ITEMS BEFORE YOU EVEN ORDER THEM.
[laughter]
THIS IS TRUE. IT'S NOT A JOKE.
THIS IS TRUE.
I DON'T KNOW HOW EXACTLY THEY'RE GONNA DO IT.
BUT IF AMAZON KNOWS WHAT I WANT BEFORE I DO,
CAN'T MY IPHONE KNOW THAT I'M TRYING TO TYPE "PORTIA"
AND NOT "PORTUGAL"?
[laughter]
BY NOW?
THIS IS HOW IT WORKS:
BASED ON THE THINGS THAT YOU'VE BOUGHT BEFORE,
THEY GUESS WHAT YOU WANT,
THEY LOAD IT ONTO A TRUCK,
AND THEY DRIVE YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD
UNTIL YOU EVENTUALLY BREAK DOWN AND BUY IT.
IT'S ALL PART OF THEIR NEW BUSINESS MODEL
CALLED LADY TRYING TO SELL YOU ROSES IN A MEXICAN RESTAURANT.
[laughter]
I'M ALL FOR CONVENIENCE, BUT THIS IS A LITTLE RIDICULOUS.
YOU DON'T KNOW ME, AMAZON.
YOU THINK YOU KNOW ME.
YOU DON'T KNOW THE FIRST THING ABOUT ME.
I'M A UNIQUE, BEAUTIFUL SNOWFLAKE,
AND I AM DEFINITELY NOT PREDICTABLE IN ANY WAY.
THERE IS NO WAY THAT YOU WOULD...
[cheers and applause]
OH, THIS IS STUPID.
NO.
THIS IS SO STUPID.
THIS IS...
[gasps] A CAT CALENDAR!
IT'S WHAT I WANTED!
OH, MY GOD.
I WAS GONNA ORDER THIS.
AH.
LOOK HOW CUTE IT IS!
I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW, BUT I LOVE IT.
I GUESS BEING PREDICTABLE ISN'T SUCH A BAD THING.
HOW MANY PEOPLE CAN PREDICT IS GONNA HAPPEN RIGHT NOW?
all: DANCE.
- AH, YOU GOT ME!