(cop show music)
- You're a naughty little girl,
and then I get closer to the golden pot of honey,
and finally, when you're--
Finally my partner gives me the wrap up sign,
so I blow my load in your face
and leave without saying goodbye.
- This is car 67, - This is car 67,
- we're code five, - code five,
- nothing to report. - we've got nothing to report.
(saxophone)
(coughing)
(sigh)
(heavy sigh) - What is your problem?
- I'm kinda having a rough night here.
- No a rough night is sitting her for hours
listening to my partner wheeze.
- It's not a wheeze, it's a sigh, okay.
Denise and I are having some problems,
and she said she was gonna call--
- Woah, woah woah woah.
You know the rules, Moses.
No lady problems in the car, this is a cop car,
this is our office, this is our place of worship.
- She's my wife, Chance, it's not just lady problems.
- Okay, listen.
I know all about lady problems, okay?
No one has more lady problems than me, and real ones.
- You mean which half Asian half Mexican model
you're gonna make love to?
- First of all, she's 3/4 Asian, 1/4 Mexican, okay?
Second of all, I don't tell you a lot of my dating problems.
But since you're asking, I was dating
this chick a few months ago, okay.
I took her to Catalina, romantic getaway,
overnight on the boat.
I woke up in the morning, she was gone.
- Did you call her? - Yeah, multiple times.
- She just didn't want to talk to you Chance.
- No that's impossible, no, that's not how it works.
- When she got to Catalina, she
took another ferry, and left. - No...
- This isn't a hard thing to figure out, you're a detective.
- She didn't get off the boat, this is like a mystery.
- Have you done anything to solve it?
- I tried, I sent her a text.
- Okay, you wanna hear real problems,
that I really have, in my real life?
- What are those?
- My son calls me Officer Packard.
Not daddy, not father, not even Moses.
Officer Packard.
- Oh, you mean your son who loves you
and respects the fact that you're a cop?
- He says if I hurry up and get shot in the line of duty,
he can finally stop lying to his teachers
about take your parents to school day.
- Okay, how about this?
I lost my virginity at 12 to a six-foot-four
field hockey chick.
Big, beefy, domineering, I had no experience
so I just did what I was told,
and I assumed that's how sex worked.
- So you're still?
- Yeah, I don't do a thing, unless the girl tells me to.
- I would love that, I would love that.
You know why? - Why?
- My shrink tells me I'm a sexual illiterate.
- What does that even mean?
- It means I can't read sexual cues,
resulting in a confused erection.
- Oh that's just made up and stupid.
- Why don't you ask my wife about my funeral boners?
Then tell me if it's made up and stupid.
- Why should I ask your wife, I don't respect women
anyways because my mother never taught me to.
She was a hypochondriac, locked herself in her room
23 hours, 15 minutes a day.
She'd come out for 45 minutes to eat peanut butter
and banana sandwiches, and you know what else?
She never hugged me, not once.
She didn't touch me, didn't caress me,
didn't even give me a handshake, nothing.
What are you doing?
- I'm trying to show you my pain.
- Oh you want some pain, I'll show you some pain.
- You wanna go, you wanna go?
- Yes!
- My dad used to put cigarettes out on me, right?
This time, he used a cigar.
- But that happens to kids all the time.
- This was last Christmas. - Wow.
- He thought I was acting like a big shot
because I got a great deal on a new Taurus.
He felt his alpha status was being threatened, so,
he did this!
- Oh, that's good!
Okay listen to this, I dropped out of high school,
and lived on the streets, I was so delusional,
I thought I was living in someone else's nightmare.
I had to cut myself to prove I was still alive.
Look, that's for life.
- Cutting? I have the ultimate cut.
I swore I would do anything for my college girlfriend, so,
I gave her my kidney!
Yeah, and when she recovered from her transplant,
she broke up with me because I wasn't
a whole person anymore.
I haven't been able to trust a woman since.
I even hide a wad of cash and a passport at the train depot,
just waiting for my wife to betray me.
- You've got a bug out bag?
- You don't, what's wrong with you?
- You wanna know what's wrong with me?
- Yeah!
- I'll tell you what's wrong with me!
- Bring it!
- Look at this body, look at this sculpted, muscular body.
You know why I look like this?
Because I'm alone, and I have nobody,
so I spend all my time in the gym,
with my friends the barbells!
- I have an eating disorder!
- I eat my toenails!
- I resent my children!
- I resent your children, and my children too!
- You don't have any children!
- Well I would if that girl hadn't disappeared
off the boat in Catalina Island!
One of these days I'm gonna shot on this street,
and at my funeral, no one's gonna take my flag
because I have nobody!
- No, I'm gonna take that flag, I'm gonna take that flag
and put it on my mantle in my studio apartment
when my family leaves me, and I'm gonna look at it proud
when your gunned down by a useless meth head!
- Is that what you're gonna do?
- Yeah! - Are you sure?
- Yes! - Really?
- Yes!
(sobbing)
- [Radio] Attention all units in the vicinity,
700 blocks Franklin Avenue.
We have a 314 in progress, indecent exposure.
We've got reports of two men, one overweight.
Suspects are crying and yelling about crystal meth.
May require psychiatric assistance.
- This is car 67, we got everything under control.
We got everything under control.
- Not everything.
- Sorry.
Sexual illiteracy.