♪♪
-Let's get to the news.
Last night was Super Bowl LVII, and out of habit,
Biden shot down the Goodyear blimp.
The so called "He gets us" campaign
ran two commercials during the Super Bowl last night
to promote Jesus and Christianity.
However, thanks to the referees,
Philadelphia no longer believes in God.
During her halftime show performance at last night's
Super Bowl, Rihanna revealed that she was pregnant
while the rest of us just ate like we were.
According to new analysis, more than 50 million Americans
were expected to gamble this year on the Super Bowl --
by serving Buffalo wings and a one-bathroom apartment.
Elon Musk was photographed last night at the Super Bowl
sitting next to Fox Chairman Rupert Murdoch.
I think we have a photo.
There you go.
The State Department today
issued a do not travel advisory for Russia.
Yeah, we weren't planning on it.
Bad news, kids.
I know you had your heart set on going to the Kremlin,
but looks like we're going to do Disney.
The State Department said last week
that the downed Chinese spy balloon
was carrying surveillance equipment
capable of intercepting communications.
They needed some way on spying on people
who still haven't downloaded TikTok.
The FBI announced on Friday
that it found an additional classified document
at former vice president Mike Pence's Indiana home.
Even weirder, they found it in a file marked "Work stuff."
Oh, it actually -- it actually is work stuff.
An owl was recently removed from a college library in Georgia.
And this is annoying: now it's saying "whom."
My two favorite things, Shoemaker: owls and grammar.
Authorities in Texas recently responded
to a report of two goats on the loose in a Target store.
The goats were captured and safely returned to TJ Maxx.
And finally, a woman in Chile
recently set a Guinness World Record
after swimming about one and a half miles in Antarctic waters;
said the woman, "Can someone please rescue me?"
And once again, we've miscalculated
what our closer was.
Today is Valentine's Day.
So if you're watching right now, better luck next year.
According to the latest numbers, the average American is expected
to spend $200 this year on Valentine's Day --
or $400 of you made her breakfast in bed.
Eggs are super expensive right now, guys.
That's a joke about egg-flation.
That's what Bez' calls it.
In a video today announcing she's running for president,
former U.N. ambassador Nikki Haley said, quote,
"I don't put up with bullies and when you kick back,
it hurts them more if you're wearing heels."
Whoa, what job does she think this is?
Does she want to be president or teach Krav Maga?
"When I fight for the middle class,
I'll hold my keys so they stick out between my fingers."
She does make an interesting point, though.
If she wins, she'd be the first president to wear heels
since the last president.
A lawyer for President Trump said recently that Trump
was using a manila folder marked "Classified"
to block a small light on a landline phone
next to his bed -- even weirder,
all the ones that he taped up to use in place of curtains.
Buckingham Palace yesterday announced that Queen Camilla
tested positive for coronavirus.
Luckily, as a royal, she was already planning
on doing nothing for the next few weeks.
The maker of the robot vacuum cleaner Roomba
announced yesterday that the company would lay off
roughly 7% of its workforce.
And since it was Roomba,
it took everyone 45 minutes to find the door.
Finally, according to a new analysis by Yelp,
the most romantic restaurant in Wisconsin
is Grandpa's Pizza.
That story again,
the only restaurant in Wisconsin is Grandpa's Pizza.
The Pentagon this week described the unidentified object
shot down over Canada on Saturday
as a, quote, small metallic balloon.
So it was either a dire national security threat
or a wasted 25¢ at a county fair.
"Hold on to that, Tyler! Oh, son of a gun."
President Biden is reportedly considering
making a national televised address
to discuss the recent unidentified flying objects.
Oh, yeah, definitely, please do that.
Interrupt an episode of "The Voice"
and walk 30 yards down that long red carpet
to a podium like Obama did when we got bin Laden,
and tell the American people you popped some balloons.
"Now, my fellow Americans,
it's true what they say: once you pop,
you just can't stop."
President Biden announced yesterday that Air India
will purchase more than 200 planes from Boeing,
while Frontier is buying 200 planes from Goodwill.
During the White House press briefing yesterday,
a reporter from Newsmax asked
Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, quote,
Is President Biden woke?
And she rolled her eyes so hard they didn't come back.
More haunting than I think we planned.
President Biden said yesterday that the back and forth
with Republicans in his State of the Union address
made him feel like he was, quote, back on the playground.
"So jealous," said Matt Gaetz.
Senator Ted Cruz told reporters yesterday
that he plans to run for a third term.
Cruz said he discussed it with his family and they insisted.
The company Volt Candy has issued a recall for its
PrimeZen Black 6000 male enhancement pill
because it contains two unapproved drugs.
Yeah, something tells me that people who bought
that don't keep their receipts.
I think they're going to have to eat the $9.95.
And it doesn't matter how I know how much it costs.
Two for $18.
The fast food chain Chipotle has announced plans to open
a new brand called Farmesa Fresh Eatery,
which will focus on farm-to-table cuisine,
as opposed to their usual table-to-restroom.
A Philadelphia Eagles fan
was arrested on Sunday in Florida
after he allegedly broke into a fire house,
peed on the carpet, stole a hat
and threw a knife at a firefighter --
and then he found out the Eagles lost!
And finally, a Florida city councilman
was arrested over the weekend after authorities allegedly
found ten grams of cocaine in his shoe.
Police first became suspicious
when someone in Florida was wearing shoes.
President Biden had his annual physical today at Walter Reed.
Doctors say he's fit as a fiddle,
specifically, this 300 year old Stradivarius.
That's right, President Biden today had his annual physical.
And I think Fox News messed with his eye chart.
Wouldn't count -- wouldn't be legally binding.
According to a new report top Democrats privately think
that President Biden is too old for reelection,
but worry that his decision not to run
would cause chaos in the Democratic Party.
You guys didn't see this coming?
We elected a half-finished game of Jenga
and now you all say, "Oh, no, everybody move your drinks!"
President Biden spoke publicly today
about the aerial objects shot down by the military;
said Biden, "The American people deserve to know
how much fun this week has been for me."
Acting FAA administrator Billy Nolan testified before
the Senate yesterday on the agency's handling of recent
near collisions at airports
and assured Americans that flying is safe.
I don't know, at this point, the best you can say
is that it's safer than traveling via balloon.
I would not want to travel via balloon right now.
The FAA this week announced plans
for an airline industry safety summit
after a recent series of near accidents.
But don't worry, you only need to attend
if you're in the exit row.
Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
[ Laughs ]
[ Cheering and applause ]
A lawyer for Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz
said yesterday that the Justice Department informed
Gaetz that they will not move forward with charges
relating to his sex trafficking investigation
and that Gaetz has learned his lesson.
"Venmo set to private"!
"The New York Times" published an op ed yesterday
about Republican presidential hopeful Nikki Haley,
titled "Nikki Haley Will Not Be the Next President."
Yeah, I'm not falling for that one anymore.
The last guy they said would never be the next president,
turns out he was the next president.
Also, still might be the next president.
Elon Musk said yesterday that artificial intelligence
has great promise and capability,
but added that it comes with, quote, great danger.
So either he's one of the great minds of our generation
or we finally saw "The Terminator."
According to a new study, Cleveland and Detroit
are the least expensive U.S. cities for single people,
in the same way that the cheapest car you can buy
is just to walk.
And finally, today was national Do a Grouch a Favor Day.
Okay, off the top of my head, let him crash with you?!
Hey, it's our friend who lives in the garbage and eats trash!
Well, see you later.
That was a monologue, everybody.
♪♪