-Our next guest is one of my favorites.
He has his comedy special,
"The Attractives" available now on YouTube
and it's probably going to crack a million tonight.
Please welcome the very funny Mike Vecchione, everybody.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause continue ]
-Thank you, guys.
Thank you. I'm sorry.
I look like every cop that's been in trouble on the news.
[ Laughter ]
I'm actually a very nice person.
Pandemic was tough.
Height of the pandemic, my friend calls me.
He's like, "Mike, do you want to go to Spain
this year for running with the bulls?"
-Whoo!
-I go, "Isn't it a little bit soon?
Remember last week when the air almost killed us?
Remember five days ago we were almost murdered by the air?
Now you want to go running with the bulls,
which I know that's what it's called,
but that's not actually what you're going to be doing.
Running with the bulls implies that the bulls have accepted you
and you guys have decided to exercise together."
[ Laughter ]
"What you're going to be doing is running from the bulls.
Do you understand the difference?
Running with? Running from?
Everyone's so focused on pronouns now.
Maybe we should look at some of these prepositions.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you.
[ Cheers and applause continue ]
You guys are great.
I had bedbugs recently.
And bedbugs are unique because they attack you
and attack you and attack you until you break your lease.
[ Laughter ]
There's no way to stop bedbugs.
I did figure out a way to slow them down, though.
I introduced ladybugs into my apartment.
Now the ladybugs don't kill the bedbugs,
but they wear them down emotionally.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you.
Living with my girl and it's going pretty good.
I did make a mistake. We're laying in bed one night.
I go, "Let's get to know each other a little bit better.
On the count of three, let's blurt out our IQs."
Never do that with your significant partner.
One of you is dumber.
In our case, it was me. And I was much dumber.
Shockingly dumber to the point where she saw it affected me.
And she tried to save it. You know, she loves me.
She goes, "Mike, you have a much lower IQ than I do.
Even you're smart enough to know that."
[ Laughter ]
"But you have this other thing called emotional intelligence,
and that's pretty valuable, too."
And I did some research,
and it turns out emotional intelligence is completely fake.
[ Laughter ]
It's just something that smart people tell dumb people.
"You have this" so that the dumb people don't feel sad.
[ Laughter ]
And they have to do the jobs
that the smarter people don't want to do.
As a result, my jobs in the apartment are as follows.
Sanitation and extermination.
Bugs and trash.
That's my jobs. Bugs and trash.
And sometimes she'll quiz me.
She'll go, "What are your jobs?"
I'll go, "Bugs and trash."
[ Laughter ]
And she'll be like, "Who's my guy?"
I go, "I am."
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you. Thank you.
We had an incident the other day.
There was a bug in the bathroom.
And the reason I know there was a bug in the bathroom
is because she was in the bathroom and she starts going,
"A bug, a bug. It's a bug. There's a bug."
I'm like, "Alright, car alarm, I got it."
I go hit the light, bug freezes, I freeze.
It's a standoff.
And I try to kill this bug three times.
The last time I stepped directly on him,
scoop him up with toilet paper.
He's wounded, but not dead. I throw him in the toilet.
I flush.
This bug stiff-arms the toilet paper.
He Heismans the toilet paper, gets to the side of the bowl,
wounded, starts climbing out.
[ Laughter ]
I see that. I back out of the bathroom.
I yell at her. I go, "It's all clear, babe."
She goes in the bathroom. She pops back out.
She goes, "He's alive and better than ever."
I go, "Let me tell you something about this bug.
He has more of a will to live than you and me combined."
She goes, "Well, go back in there and kill him."
I go, "Relax. This isn't a Mafia family.
You don't just order me to kill.
This bug has a lot of the characteristics
that I admire in any living thing.
This bug is mentally tough,
overcomes adversity, never quits.
This bug is basically who I want to be as a person."
[ Laughter ]
"I'm not going to go in there and kill my role model.
He just lives with us now."
She goes, "Well, I'm afraid to go in the bathroom."
I go, "Well, you should be
because you ordered his death three times
and I'm sure he overheard you
because this bug probably doesn't have the highest IQ,
but I'm sure he's got a lot of emotional intelligence."
[ Cheers and applause ]
You guys are the best. I'm Mike Vecchione.
Thank you!
-Come on, bud.
Mike Vecchione!
[ Cheers and applause ]
"The Attractives" is available now on YouTube.
We'll be right back, everybody.