(audience murmuring)
(audience cheering)
- It has been a long time
since I have done anyone...
Done anyone?
Anything, no.
(laughter)
Guys, this is an urgent appeal.
I am so horny, you don't understand!
Done anything with anyone in person,
which still sounds like sex.
I'm talking about performing, not sexually performing,
so because I don't know how well
we know each other right now,
I figured we should do a little game to break the ice
'cause if you do know me,
then great, I can be completely unhinged.
If not, then I really need to watch what I say.
So I've been thinking of something.
I was gonna call it "Dan's Drafts"
or "Dan's Dirty Drafts."
There was also "Fill Dan's Hole," but there's...
No, you'll see, it's not disgusting.
It makes sense.
I have cultivated a selection of vaguely queer tweets
that I have been keeping locked deep
in the vaults of my Twitter drafts
just to protect society
from the menace that I can unleash at any moment,
and I have censored a keyword in each tweet,
and I would like you guys to just guess what I have censored
to see how well you know me.
So it should be pretty easy.
I want you to shout it out.
If you win, you get a prize.
Our first one is,
"Bruh, I just swallowed the biggest blank of my life,
and I can't even move.
I feel it moving inside me."
What did Dan swallow?
- [Audience Member] Penis!
(laughter)
- It's not penis.
It's burrito, you degenerate!
I swallowed...
There's a lot of ingredients in the burrito,
and they're moving inside of me.
God damn it, okay, next one.
"I like my men like I like my gin and tonic,
blank, blank, and blankity blank blank."
Clearly, I'm saying a whole lot there,
but think about it, okay?
Men, gin and tonic.
What could I be saying?
- [Audience Member] Fruity!
- Fruity?
Hey!
It should be single, hopefully,
although, you know, it's their fault.
Okay, I actually said bitter,
deceptively intoxicating,
and coming out of my nose if I swallow wrong.
(laughter)
You thought you were the filthy ones!
No, and it's also this.
Your sense of security, demolished.
Next one.
"All pride parades should start with a float
of a giant --" - [Audience Member] Penis!
- "Blank..."
(laughter)
"Spraying blank."
- [Audience Member] Cum!
(laughter)
Have we got anything in this room other than penis and cum?
Literally, come on, people.
A parade, it's a float of what?
What is the float?
- [Audience Member] Dick!
(laughter)
- Thesaurus.com over here.
Active.
Come on, someone just gimme one suggestion
of what it could spray.
Any liquid, any normal liquid?
(inaudible shouts)
Who said, "Piss?"
No!
(laughter)
Confetti, okay.
Asbestos?
(laughter)
Jesus Christ.
No, it's a Febreze can spraying the sweaties.
I'm trying to look after your hygiene, Jesus.
Right, this is a cultural one.
If I was in the tent with Jake Gyllenhal
in Brokeback Mountain, you know the one,
what would I offer to give --
- [Audience Member] Head! - Jake Gyllenhal?
(laughter)
You think "head" is that long?
- [Audience Member] Therapy!
- Therapy, okay, now we're talking.
That bitch needed therapy, didn't he?
And he wasn't getting any in the Wild West.
No, this is my virginity.
I'm a precious flower,
and Jake can take it.
No.
I'm being practical.
I would give him some lube.
Did you see, he just went right in there?
That is not how that works.
You need some...
You can tell sometimes
when the person that wrote it has not done it.
Okay, my idea of hot boy summer.
This is the last one,
so you better get this right.
Remember, this is a test.
Is sitting for 10 hours with a blank on my crotch
with the curtains drawn.
A strap on.
Just me with a strap.
(laughter)
Just sittin' with the curtains drawn.
Just vibing, just pure vibing.
Just me and my strap on just chilling out.
- [Audience Member] Laptop!
- Oh, with a hot laptop!
There we go, boom.
Thank...
You all just got carried, okay,
'cause I was about to be like,
"Bye, you fuckin' weirdos."
But no, seriously, you have earned a prize,
which is, as the person who correctly guessed one,
you get to post one of those drafts from my phone right now.
(audience ohh-ing)
Do you wanna have a look, or do you just remember a fave?
We got hot boy summer hot laptop.
That was your one.
We got the Brokeback Mountain lube.
Pride parades, which was Febreze, not giant penis.
We got the gin tonic, bitter, swallow, coming out my nose.
What was your favorite?
That one?
Okay, the gross one.
Thank you very much.
All right, well, there we go.
I got two bars of 4G.
Fuck my life.
All right!
Awesome.
The last time I tweeted something weird,
Pete Wentz from Fall Out Boy unfollowed me.
(laughter)
I think I said something like I was a reindeer,
and Santa was whipping me, and I liked it or something.
He was like, "What the fuck?"
Which is fair enough.
Well, I guess we're calibrated.
(slow chill music)
(grim dramatic music)