[TUCKER] (Groans) This blows, I don't know the first thing about fixing intergalactic space radios!
[SIMMONS] Uh-huh.
[TUCKER] Every movie I've seen with a repairman always glosses over the actual repairing part!
It's just "Hey lady, I'm here to lay some pipes", then BAM! Two scoops of raisins.
[SIMMONS] Uh-huh...
[TUCKER] Dammit woman, if you let the man do his job then maybe we wouldn't be in this mess!
[SIMMONS] Hey Tucker, what the fuck is this thing?
[TUCKER] It's a gravity lift. You step in it and it takes you upstairs.
[SIMMONS] I know that, but what the fuck is it doing here?
[TUCKER] It's glowing and going (Futuristic noises)
[SIMMONS] So let me get this straight. We're survivors of a shipwreck living off the bare necessities, and in the middle of the room is this incredible feat of modern day technology.
[TUCKER] I don't know, Wash found it on the ship and so we put it in the base. What's so weird about that?
[SIMMONS] It's like finding a car made out of rocks, plastic, and a Bluetooth radio.
[TUCKER] Oh we got that too. Siri, play song dance team.
[SIRI] Did you mean Bomb Andy?
[TUCKER] Aw, piece of shit.
[SIRI] Calling Bomb Andy.
[SIMMONS] How are you able to power all this?
[TUCKER] We're hooked up to the ship.
[SIMMONS] You mean you have a direct line to a limitless power supply?
[TUCKER] Well, no, we'll definitely run out of fuel eventually, just not any time soon. So who cares, take as much as you want.
[SIMMONS] God bless the American way.
[TUCKER] So what are you gonna do?
[SIMMONS] Just a side project.
[WASHINGTON] Hey, Caboose.
[WASH] I've secured the perimeter, no bad guys to be found.
[CABOOSE] Excellent work, Commander Washington! I admire your determination. Why, maybe some day you could be the leader of Blue team!
[WASH] Yes, maybe some day.
[CABOOSE] Now! I have a very important question for you, Washington!
[WASH] Okay...
[CABOOSE] Um... Do you think Freckles would look... silly in a hat? Possibly a sombrero.
[WASH] You want to dress your pet up in people clothes.
[CABOOSE] To boost the morale of the troops!
[WASH] You know, I just remembered I haven't checked for any bad guys on the ship.
[CABOOSE] WHAT? Washington, what are you even doing here?!
There could be bad guys plotting against us right now!
[WASH] You're right! Sorry boss, I'll take care of it right away.
[CABOOSE] (sigh) You know, some people are just not cut out for military life, Freckles.
Now lets go make you that tiny hat!
[TUCKER] Thanks Wash, really looking out for your team.
[ANDY] Hey, you've reached the voicemail of Andy the Bomb-
[TUCKER] Siri, hang up!
[???] Holy shit, it's actually them.
Oh no...
[DOC] You know, for a shipwreck this place actually looks pretty nice!
[GRIF] You should see the other half.
[DOC] Why, is it bad?
[GRIF] We dunno, it landed somewhere else.
[DOC] Yeah, that's pretty bad.
[DOC] Hey, did you guys ever watch Lost?
[GRIF AND SARGE] Shut up!
[SARGE] Alright men, fan out and see what you can find. Remember, we're hunting the most dangerous prey of them all.
[DOC] Man?
[SARGE] What? No, giant robot.
[DOC] Oh yeah...
[SARGE] Pshh, Man. Everything kills Man. Man's way down on the list, right between koala and retarded koala.
[GRIF] Yeah, Man sucks.
[GRIF] What the fuck?
Huh...
[DOC] Hm...
OW
[GRIF] Boosh, headshot!
[DOC] Grif, what the heck, man?!
[GRIF] Oh, don't be a bitch.
[DOC] What is this?
[GRIF] Beats me, you wanna try? There's a whole bunch of them in the corner.
[DOC] Eh, I'm not sure. You know how I feel about firearms.
[GRIF] Come ooooon, they don't do anything. They just stick.
[DOC] Well, let me think about it.
Ok.
[SARGE] Hey! This ain't a tea party numbskulls, get rid of those toys and get back to work!
[GRIF] Fine.
[DOC] Aw, man.
[SARGE] And take that stupid thing off your head!
[DOC] Ok. I never get to do anything cool...
[SARGE] (Distantly) You better not be breaking things down there!
[DOC] Hmm...
[DOC] According to the ships records, it was carrying a lot of standard issue weaponry, buuuuut it also has a bunch of stuff listed as "experimental".
[GRIF] Ooh, that's military slang for "really fucking dangerous", where's that stuff?
[DOC] Eh, looks like most of it was on the other half of the ship...
[GRIF] Booooo.
[DOC] ...but there is one prototype kept here.
Huh...
[GRIF] The fuck are these?
[DOC] Looks like some sort of weird grenade, or it could be a Rubix Cube, I don't know.
[GRIF] Huh.
[DOC] Stop, what are you doing?!
[GRIF] Trying it out.
Woah!
[DOC] You could have killed us!
[GRIF] Did you see that?!
[DOC] You can't just keep messing around with experimental- STOP DOING THAT
[GRIF] Dude!
[DOC] What is wrong with you?!
[GRIF] These things are like teleporter cubes!
[DOC] God, be careful, we don't know how they work!
[GRIF] What do you mean? Throw it at a thing, thing disappears. Throw another one, thing reappears. I can keep an entire buffet in the palm of my hand!
[DOC] Really? That's what you're excited about?
[SARGE] MEN. UPSTAIRS. NOW.
[DOC] Coming!
[GRIF] Oh, I am taking these.
[DOC] Sarge, you'll never guess what we found!
[SARGE] Son, you could've found a laser-guided napalm shark, and I still wouldn't care.
[DOC] What?
[SARGE] Do you know when you get that feeling when you meet a pretty girl on the first day of school?
You're not quite sure what to do, but your instincts just take over and you smile at her,
(crying) and she smiles back, and suddenly the world is a brand new place,
and your stomach is all filled with twists and twirls...
[DOC] Um, yeah?
[SARGE] Well boys, I got that feeling right now.
[GRIF] Holy shit.
[SARGE] Except imagine that pretty girl at school is armor plated with a titanium poly-alloy
and outfitted with 50 millimeter cannons and ammo for days!
[DOC] She sounds pretty high maintenance.
[GRIF] She sounds like I need a safe word to date her.
[SARGE] Oh yeah!
[DOC] So how do we get her out of the ship?
[GRIF] Uh, teleportation cubes anyone?
[SARGE] No! A girl this fine has got to be treated right, oiled up and whatnot!
We'll take her apart and move her ourselves limb by limb.
Packed away in carrying cases if necessary.
[DOC] Yeah, I think your dating metaphor kinda took a turn into serial killer territory there, Sarge.
[GRIF] Seriously?! I just found these awesome future cubes, it's destiny!
[SARGE] Shh, what was that?
[DOC] Agent Washington?
[GRIF] What the hell is he doing here?
[SARGE] Doesn't matter, let's just dismember this beautiful lady, pack her up, and take her to our lair.
I mean, base.
[GRIF] Could you please stop referring to the robot as a woman? It's really weird.
[SARGE] Not was weird as the throbbing erection she's giving me.
[GRIF] Jesus Christ...
*Sawing, hammering, whirring, other machine-y noises*
[WASH] Hmm
Needs a conductor.
Ugh, stupid thing... Just open!
*Pew pew pew*
There we go.
*Sigh*
Never thought it'd come down to this.
Sorry Caboose...
*More machine-y noises*