-Welcome back to "The Tonight Show."
Well, everybody, making jokes during times like these
is difficult, but it's my job to try and make people laugh
and feel better, even if just for a little while.
So, with that in mind, let's tell some jokes.
Last night, President Trump made another stop
on his great American COVID tour,
this time in Pennsylvania,
at the Pittsburgh International Airport.
There was quite a turnout at the airport rally.
Take a look at this photo.
For any parents watching, if you ran out of
"Where's Waldo?" books for your kids during quarantine,
just hand them this photo and tell them to find
a Trump supporter wearing a mask.
[ Laughter ]
You gotta give Trump credit for one thing --
this had to be the first time in history people were excited
to spend a Tuesday night at the Pittsburgh airport.
[ Laughter ]
Trump was on stage for 90 minutes,
and I think there was some things he could've skipped,
like here when he questioned why Joe Biden always wears a mask.
Listen to this.
-He feels good about the mask, and that's okay.
You know what? Whatever makes you feel good.
He feels good. He feels good.
I mean, honestly, what the hell did he spend all that money
on the plastic surgery if he's gonna cover it up
with a mask? [ Laughter ]
-Yep, according to those closest to him,
Trump's never had any work done, nor done any work.
[ Laughter ]
That's right, Trump made fun of Biden's plastic surgery.
Meanwhile, his handling of the virus is about to appear
on an episode of "Botched."
[ Laughter ]
By the way, did you see which network was airing the rally?
C-SPAN3.
You know your campaign's going well
when even C-SPAN2 says, "Nah, we're good."
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, in an interview that aired last night on WGN,
Trump was asked what single quality
he brings to the White House, and here was his response.
-Well, I think I bring an aura
that people know I know what I'm doing.
I know what is happening.
I know where we should be going, I negotiate properly.
I understand the military.
I understand things as a businessman
that other people don't.
Just as a person, I understand things.
-Yeah. Once again, the question was, what single quality.
[ Laughter ]
Also, just because you're glowing orange
doesn't mean you have an aura.
[ Laughter ]
"I have an aura-ge, orange."
That's right, Trump says he knows what he's doing,
what is happening, and where he should be going.
So, good news -- once again, he passed concussion protocol.
[ Laughter ]
Seriously, those are things you say
after a trainer gives you smelling salts.
Well, guys, we're just six days away
from the first presidential debate,
and the topics Trump and Biden will be discussing
have been announced. Check it out.
-The moderator, Fox News' Chris Wallace,
has selected the six topics that will be discussed.
The topics include the President's and Biden's records,
the Supreme Court, coronavirus, economic policy, racism,
and the integrity of the election.
-That wasn't a good sign when Trump's response was,
"Pass, pass, pass, pass, pass, and pass."
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, when Trump heard, he was like,
"I've got five more topics that I'd love to talk about --
man, woman, person, camera, and TV."
[ Laughter ]
Right now, it's just those topics
and then the other 50 insane things that'll happen
between now and Tuesday.
Some more debate news,
although this one is about the vice presidential debate.
It turns out Pete Buttigieg has been standing in
as Mike Pence for Kamala Harris's debate practice.
And to really get into the role of Mike Pence,
Buttigieg also wears three pairs of Hanes long underwear
safety pinned together.
[ Laughter ]
Speaking of Mike Pence,
yesterday, his plane, Air Force Two,
was forced to return to New Hampshire
after it struck a bird.
Actually, when Pence remembered his debate against Kamala
is only two weeks away,
he started throwing more birds into the engine.
He's like, "Stop! Stop. Help, stop, please."
It's no surprise that birds are attracted to Mike Pence.
He's basically the human version of white bread.
[ Laughter ]
Changing gears here, this week, the CDC
issued its first guidelines for celebrating Halloween.
Listen to this. -The CDC released
its recommendations for Halloween,
and the biggest one is to avoid
traditional trick-or-treating this year.
The CDC also pointed out that costume masks
do not have the same protective power as normal masks.
-Remember the good old days when all you had to worry about
was a giant shiv in your Snickers bar?
[ Laughter ]
The CDC is discouraging trick-or-treating,
but to be fair, maybe children shouldn't have been going around
collecting candy from strangers anyway.
That's right, no trick-or-treating.
It's too bad. I'm really gonna miss
the disappointed look on my kids' face
when they get an Almond Joy.
[ Laughter ]
I was fighting that joke. I like Almond Joy. Yeah.
-Yeah, no trick-or-treating.
Kids will miss getting candy, while parents will miss
giving that quick judgy glimpse into their neighbor's house.
[ Laughter ]
"Carpet in the kitchen?" [ Laughter ]
"Very '70s."
Yep, the CDC is also discouraging costume parties,
mainly so no one has to look at the idiot
who dresses up as the coronavirus.
"Really funny, Carl." [ Laughter ]
Yeah, Halloween will be different.
If you see a house covered in cobwebs,
those aren't decorations.
Those are people who haven't gone outside since March.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, some sports news.
A lot of people are talking about
Bill Belichick's sweatshirt
from his press conference this morning.
Take a look at this. [ Laughter ]
Gosh, he looks like the Hulk
after turning back into Bruce Banner.
[ Laughter ]
Even crazier, that's his wedding tuxedo.
[ Laughter ]
I think that shirt was also established in 1960.
I don't get it.
Was he putting out cigarettes on his shoulder?
[ Laughter ]
He looks like the centerfold in "Divorced Dad Monthly."
[ Laughter ]
Remember that photo, 'cause it's what Chris Wallace
is gonna look like after Tuesday's debate.
[ Laughter ]