Hi there.
I'm Conan O'Brien.
I know I've been gone for a little while and some
of you are probably wondering,
"Hey, Conan, where have you been?
"Whatcha been up to?"
Well, frankly, it's none
of your concern. (Conan laughing)
Mind your own business.
I'm sort of trying to assemble some
of the old team, get them together,
and talk about what's in the future.
So please welcome a man who still is getting paid
despite the fact that my show ended over a year ago
and still, as far as I'm concerned,
we have no clue as to what he does.
Jordan Schlansky.
Jordan, come on in.
How are you, Jordan?
Good. Thank you. (Conan hitting Jordan's back)
We have not seen each other
since the show ended a year ago,
and I just wanted to know how you're doing.
I'm doing fine. Thank you.
Would you care to elaborate?
I am adequately progressing
through this period of my life.
Okay, so you feel that...
Optimistic about the future?
I'm neutral.
Neutral?
Yeah.
Okay. Have you had COVID?
No, I have not.
You never got COVID?
No, I know how to protect myself
from the various threats that exist.
Well, I think that virus wanted nothing
to do with you. (Conan laughing)
Frankly.
That virus was laying waste to everyone.
Children, old people, completely not discriminating.
And then old COVID came along and was like,
(Conan groaning)
"I'm gonna be over here."
(Conan imitating squeaking)
(Conan laughing)
We found the cure for COVID.
It's Jordan Schlansky.
Anyway. Glad you didn't get COVID.
Okay.
I had it- Sure.
Because I'm an appealing personality.
I wanted to talk to you. Mm.
Because in the one year
since we ended the Late Night Show on TBS,
everywhere I go, Mm.
I am besieged by people who say,
"We miss you, and we really miss seeing you and Jordan."
Okay.
And so I just wanna be frank.
Yeah.
Your appearance has changed.
Uh-huh.
Okay?
Yeah.
And I'm saying this as a friend and an employer,
you don't look like the Jordan that is
in all of the remotes that we did together.
Okay.
Your appearance has changed.
Okay.
Now let me tell you why this is important to me.
I look amazingly similar
to the man that graced television screens starting in 1993.
I'm agile. I'm lean.
I am very serious about my diet.
I eat soy, soybeans,
but I only eat the shell
of the soybean.
Are you aware that the consumption
of soy may interfere
with your body's estrogen levels
and consequently testosterone?
Have you thought that might compromise
compromise your masculinity? That was a problem.
That was a problem.
I was a DD cup.
Are you talking about your breasts?
Yes. I had full womanly, lactating breasts.
I didn't even know that.
Now you tell me.
(Conan imitating deflating balloon)
Flat.
It was fun.
My point is that I have kept this look going.
Now we talk to you.
Okay.
Okay. Look over here.
Yeah.
Look at this beard.
My issue- Okay.
isn't with the beard itself.
It's the appearance of the beard.
What's happening here?
You're all gray, and then-
Okay.
Look at this.
This is quite unusual.
It looks like a tarantula is fucking your mouth.
Okay.
I want this Jordan.
Okay.
The fact that you now look,
I'm gonna guess 75.
Okay.
Maybe 80.
Hey, and thanks for your work
in the Korean conflict.
Right.
You really served our country.
I would like you to do what I've done.
Look at me. I haven't changed.
Look at this. Look at this.
These are funny moves. I can do this.
I'm here. I'm over here.
Right. (Conan hissing)
I haven't lost anything.
You've gained.
What are you talking about?
Bulk.
No, I have not.
If you could separate out your head
from the rest of your body and weigh your head,
you might find that that weighs more
than your head weighed say 10 years ago.
You think my face got fat?
There's been a widening.
There is not-
I won't use the word fat,
and who's to say that it's a negative thing.
Some people may desire this.
Men go to the gym and work out who build that kind of-
Nobody, nobody, especially an Irishman-
Right.
Goes to a gym to make his face fatter now.
No one's ever done that. Yeah.
Do you think Ted Kennedy used to say,
"Well, I'm off to the spa.
"I'm gonna get my face made even wider."
You think he did that? No.
I'm here to answer your question
as an objective observer.
It's possible though,
I'd have to do more research,
your nose may have descended a bit in the front.
It's possible that the front
of the nose may have descended a bit.
I'd really have to do further research.
Look at some old photographs and compare
to make that determination
confidently. (Conan groaning)
Oh man, you're-
But I'm only acting as
an objective observer. (Conan hitting Jordan's arms)
You're freaking me out.
Look. Look.
From here to here, you're really the same.
Good.
Okay.
So here to here same.
Yes.
Here to here, things are going to shit.
Uh-
Here to hear, okay. Changing-
And then what about here to here?
I feel that there's been an alteration
and again, who's to judge?
It may be superior.
You may have even intentionally done it.
What I'm saying is if look back-
What do you mean? Intentionally done what?
I've been doing crunches.
Okay.
I do-
You have to exhale when you do the crunches.
Do you understand yet?
It's important to breathe.
Otherwise you get a distended abdominal area.
I don't know if that's your issue.
It's important. I breathe.
It may not be necessary for you to breathe.
I see some personality changes in your life
that are reflected in your physical state.
In the past year, the show has ended.
You feel as if you're contributing adequately
to the comedic population
by doing a podcast once a week.
And suddenly you're like, "I'm gonna enjoy myself.
"I deserve it. I worked hard all these years.
"Let's let myself go."
And this may have been an intentional desire of yours.
Why restrict yourself to strips
of turkey when you can eat pork chops?
Okay. (Conan laughing)
If that's what you're interested in consuming,
I'm not here to tell you that it's wrong.
You think I'm around eating pork chops.
I'm saying-
I'm telling you-
When was the last time you ate a pork chop?
On Pork Chop Tuesday
and Pork Chop Thursday. I want to know.
And also on Pork Chop Saturday.
In 2005- I don't pork chops!
I guarantee you eat pork chops
because when you were a child,
there was one pork chop too few
on the table of you and your siblings
and your brother Neil took two-
He always took it! So now-
He always took it! So now
you don't have the pork chops.
Neil always took the pork chop.
Neil always took the pork chop, and he's got it now.
To review, you think that I could do a little better.
I don't disagree, and I will address it.
What I'm saying is you have let yourself go.
No, I did not let myself go. I just went.
See when people decay physically,
sometimes they let themselves go voluntarily.
And sometimes despite their best efforts,
they just go.
So you tried? I just went.
This is with trying?
I maintain my grooming regimen.
You're wait? I have my dignity.
No you haven't. I have my dignity.
You haven't maintained.
This beard is incredibly groomed.
I don't have angular colitis.
I've clearly cleared the areas away
from my mouth to avoid a fungal infection.
Okay.
This was your plan to be tarantula raped
in the mouth constantly
and perpetually wherever you go?
Listen, I know that our purpose here is not simply
for you to ridicule me and belittle me.
I know that's not in your nature.
I can only assume this is gonna end
at a prestigious Beverly Hills salon
or with some medical aesthetic professional
who's here to improve my experience.
No, Jordan.
I am happy to comply. Let's proceed.
Jordan. No.
First of all, that was the old Conan who had a deal
with a big network and could afford that kind of shit.
Would you mind putting this over your beard
so it looks like flesh color.
I just wanna see what you would look
like if we got you back
to the old Jordan.
Bye-bye, tarantula.
Let's get you back to looking like the old Jordan.
Now this is not sophisticated,
but it does let the viewer see a glimpse
of the old clean-shaven Jordan
with his fleshy face. (Conan clapping)
(spray bottle shaking)
Let's get the old color back. (bottle spritzing)
(bottle spritzing)
There we go.
Hey, good news. Listen to this.
Soon with no lead.
No time to button.
Okay. Can you gimme that attitude and look?
Right in there.
You're on your way back, buddy boy.