- It was raining
and this motherfucking man splashes them on the bus stop
and the light turns red.
(audience laughs) (upbeat music)
- So I was at Bloomingdale's in the Clearance section.
(crowd laughs)
I can afford Clearance,
not the regular price stuff.
I'm at Bloomingdale's
and I see a bag that I like
and it doesn't have a price
and I stand by it
and people start walking
they start walking and no one stops, right?
They just walk, walk, walk.
Finally, a woman walks by.
"Hey,
"how much is this bag?"
She's like, "Oh."
(audience laughs)
"It's $800."
(audience laughs)
Okay.
(audience laughs)
I'm gonna buy that bag.
She's like, "oh, are you (moans)"
(audience laughs)
Well I'm just gonna take the bag.
I'm gonna hold it up front until you're ready to check out.
Bitch! (audience laughs)
So we're at the cash register, right?
And she's like typing, typing, whatever.
And it's taking forever
like I feel like she doesn't think that
I'm gonna buy the bag.
Like halfway through I'm gonna be like,
"JK, I'm poor. Bye."
(audience laughs)
Typing, typing through.
Now here's a thing you got to know about me.
My mom taught me to never complain.
Like we don't complain.
Like if I get the wrong food at a restaurant,
I eat the wrong food.
Like I don't complain, right?
But this woman's being so terrible.
Like obviously terrible, right?
(audience laughs)
Like, "look, I'm sorry. I got to stop you.
"You are being awful.
"You're being rude
"and I'm gonna teach you a lesson.
"Now, I don't even want this bag."
(audience laughs)
"I'm buying this bag,
"because I've got the money to buy this bag.
"And not only that, this bag is for me,
"I want you to gift-wrap it."
(audience laughs)
"That bag is for me but I want to surprise myself.
"Like, what did I get me?
I want you to--
(crowd cheering drowns out speaker's voice)
And I stood there.
I'm like, "more ribbon."
(audience laughs)
I pay, she gives me the card, blah, blah, blah.
I'm like, "I'm doing this to teach you a lesson.
"I don't know what it is about me,
"but for some reason,
"you think that I can't afford to shop here.
"I don't know what you expect me to dress,
"like wear to this store.
"Like what, a fucking wedding gown?"
(audience laughs)
"And need I remind you that I'm shopping at Bloomingdale's
"and you're fucking working at Bloomingdale's, okay?"
(crowd cheering and applauding)
"Now give me my fucking bag. Thank you."
I left. I was walking off.
You guys, that is the closest,
like that was like the movie "Selena".
Like, "we don't want that dress."
Like, you know what I mean?
(audience cheers and laughs)
I'm like, "Pretty Woman, Big Mistake."
Like that's where I was.
I loved, I was like (grins)
(audience laughs)
I was waiting to get to the outside
and just lose it, you know.
Like (giggles) (audience laughs)
I walked out of that store with pride,
I walked out of that store with dignity
and I got into my car and I was like, "yes!"
And I drove to the closest Bloomingdale's
to return that fucking bag.
(audience laughs)
Cause I couldn't afford it
but I taught that bitch a lesson
and that's all that matters.
(audience cheering and laughing)
- So my life changed
because my Cuban stepfather came into my life
and he was very racist.
And he didn't like me cause I was the dark one, right.
It's all relative. All relative.
I was the dark one in my house
and we had a Station Wagon
and he used to sit me in the back of the Station Wagon.
For those of you who are millennials,
a Station Wagon is a real big Prius.
(audience laughing)
They had engines and they used gas.
So he used to seat me in the back of the Station Wagon.
I was like the Rosa Parks of my family.
(audience laughs)
And one day he was taking me and my brother to school
and it was raining
and he splashed this black man on the bus stop.
Black man with his umbrella,
looking like he was going to work.
Like he was going to get a job.
He looked like Walter Lee from "A Raisin in the Sun",
black man sitting on a bus stop
with his dignity and his pride going to get a fucking job
and this motherfucking man splashes him on the bus stop
and the light turns red.
(audience laughs)
The light turned red because God is good.
(audience laughing and applauding)
Yes.
That black dude was like,
"you motherfucking Cuban, I hate you."
He knew he was Cuban
cause Latinos always have flags in their cars.
(audience laughs)
And he was like,
"go home to your motherfucking country, I hate you."
And my stepfather put that Station Wagon and parked,
walked around to that guy
and punched that dude in the face.
And that black dude beat my stepfather's ass.
(crowd laughing)
Hey! It was beautiful.
The rain was coming down,
I had a front seat, I was like, "beat his ass!
"Fuck him up, I'm so tired of this man."
(audience cheering and applauding)
That dude had an umbrella in one hand
and with the other hand, he beat my stepfather's ass.
(audience laughs)
I was like, "I want to go home with him."
(audience laughs)
"He may not have a car, but he got hands"
(chuckles)
Yo my stepfather wobbled back to the car.
He had all these bruises and welts.
I slid into the front seat.
(audience laughs)
Hey, my brother was crying
cause that's his real father.
(audience laughs)
He tried to bop that on me,
he was like, "put your seatbelt on."
I was like, "put a bandaid on motherfucker."
(audience laughter drowns out her voice)
Now drive.
He was so embarrassed,
he didn't take us to school that day.
We went home.
It was National Black Dude on the Bus that day.
(audience laughs)
- Basically the way our parents are,
ages zero through 30 they're like, "no girls!" Right?
Then when you're 35 they're like,
"why can't you talk to girls?"
(audience laughs)
But that's who our parents are, right?
Our parents are like a firewall to the outside world.
Information comes in and they disseminate it to us.
It's like living in North Korea.
(audience laughs)
And my dad is like you know,
he's the leader of the household.
So, when 9/11 happened, I was a sophomore in high school.
My dad sits everybody down at the dinner table
and he's like, "all right Hasan whatever you do,
"do not tell people you're Muslim,
"do not talk about politics."
I was like, "all right dad, I'll just hide it, cool."
(audience laughs)
(mumbles) this just rubs off.
We're sitting there, phone rings.
I run to the phone, but my dad, he had a good first step
so he beats me to the phone.
"Hello?"
I grabbed the second phone.
"Hello?" And I hear a voice,
"Hey, Hey you sand nigger, where's Osama?"
He looks at me.
"You can hear me right you fucking dune coon."
"Where's Osama?"
He's just like, "yo."
"Hey, you can hear me right
"2631 Regatta lane,
"that's where you live, right?
"I'm gonna fucking kill you."
Click.
And my dad's looking at me.
You ever see your parents
and you see the mortality in them?
Like I'm looking at my dad and I see all 5'7" of him.
And that's when I realize I'm a darapok.
I'm a scaredy-cat.
You know the way it is, we can speak two languages. [speaks Hindi]
We can speak at home and outside.
I should have said something. I didn't.
We sit down, I hear "thud, thud, thud" outside.
Me and dad, we run outside
and all the windows on the Camry are smashed in.
I look in the back and my backpack's open,
I'm like, "fuck, they stole my stuff."
I reach and I pull out my backpack.
These pieces of glass get caught in my arm.
And all this blood is like gushing down the side of my arm.
I'm pissed. I'm just like fucking mad.
"Man fuck this man."
Like these kids they know where we live.
They're calling us.
They're timing this in real time.
So they're watching us.
So I'm running up and down the cul-de-sac.
Looking in the trees and the bushes.
I look back in the middle of the street.
My dad's in the middle of the road,
sweeping glass out of the road
like he works at like a hate crime barbershop.
(audience laughs)
"We got customers.
"Log kya kahenge?"
"We got to clean this up."
(audience laughs)
Zen
Brown Mr. Miyagi, just like not saying a word.
I run up to my dad.
"Why aren't you saying something?
"I'm not asking you, say something."
He looks at me and he goes,
"Hasan
[speaking Hindi]
"These things happen.
"And these things will continue to happen."
That's the price we pay for being here.
And that's when I was like,
"oh no, we really are from two different generations."
Like BMX bikes aside.
But my dad's from that generation like a lot of immigrants
where he feels like, if you come to this country,
you pay this thing like the American Dream Tax, right?
Like you're gonna endure some racism.
And if it doesn't cost you your life,
well, "hey, you lucked out. Pay it.
"There you go, Uncle Sam."
But for me, like a lot of us, I was born here.
So I actually have the audacity of equality.
Like I'm like, no, I'm in Honors Gov
(crowd cheering)
Says it right here. I'm equal.
I'm equal. I don't deserve this.
(audience cheering)
As soon as I say that,
He looks at me like I believe in Santa.
"You'll never understand."
"I'll never understand?
"Dad, you're the guy
"that'll argue with the cashier at Costco,
"when he doesn't let you return used underwear.
(audience laughs)
"And now you want to be the bigger man?"