We know that apologies can be powerful but how do you apologize when you're not wrong?
Obviously, for this topic, we're going to need to do some mental work first and then let's get into
some very practical tips on how you can do this. Speaking of mental work, let's just take a look at
a profound truth that I learned from a neighbor of mine at the age of 93. Just before she passed
away, I was able to have a conversation with her in which I asked an important question:
"What have you learned from all of your life experience?" Her response was awesome. And
it caught me off guard a little bit. She said, "Don't be too quick to believe everything you
think." I was expecting her to say everything you read or everything you see on the internet.
No. Don't be too quick to believe everything you think. As human beings, we are very vulnerable
to believing our own thoughts. And our own thoughts are just that. They're thoughts.
They don't represent truth. Now, they may be true thoughts. But just because we think it,
doesn't make it true. Let's follow the advice of my wise old neighbor. Don't be too quick to
believe everything you think. Let's soften up on that position a little bit because in the apology
that we're considering, holding our ground or insisting that we're right is going to put us in
a position where not only will it be difficult to apologize. It's also going to come across
as being very disingenuous, fake, phony because of the beliefs that we're holding in our own mind.
Another important concept in the mental work that we get to do is understanding humility.
Let me define that for you. As a professional psychologist for over 30 years now,
I think humility is giving up our need to be right in exchange for being open. We will resist
an apology when we know we're right. Or at least when we know we're not wrong. What if we could
just set that aside and be open? We don't know everything. I was interviewing Rick De Bruyle
on my podcast Live On Purpose Radio. And Rick is a communication specialist. He said to me,
"Paul, we need to assume that we don't have all of the information." And I thought it
was brilliant as I repeated it back later in the interview. I said, "Earlier, Rick, you said that
we shouldn't assume that we have all of the information." He stopped me. "Paul, that's
not what I said." Did you hear the difference? Did you catch it. He didn't say "We shouldn't assume
that we have all the information." He said, "We should assume that we don't." This changes the
energy of the conversation. Because whether we're right or wrong is completely irrelevant at this
point. We're giving up our need to be right in exchange for being open because we're assuming
that we don't have all of the information. And we don't. From this position of humility,
let me give you a little more context here on priority. People before problems. Still problems.
We're going to deal with the problems. People before problems and relationships before rules.
Now, we'll still deal with the rules. But the relationships are more important. What if whatever
the problem is that's caused this conflict is just not as important as the people involved and the
relationship between them? If this is someone in your family, that is especially true. Now,
I know that you know you're right. We talked about that earlier. If we can put that aside
long enough to realize you know the people here are more important, I'm thinking of grievances
that some of my clients have carried for decades about something that's just not that important.
People before problems and relationships before rules. I think that's gonna help. Pick something
that you can honestly get behind. Something that's true something that you agree with. And this is
going to require the humility that we talked about earlier because it's hard to do. I'm not asking
you to apologize for something you didn't do or that you don't agree with. So, you might take
a look at the other person's perspective for a moment. They were hurt, right? They were offended.
Something that you said or did was contributing to that hurt or that offense. I'm not saying it's
your fault. I'm not saying you were wrong. But if you can connect with the fact that whatever story
in their head had them hearing or experiencing you in a way that they became offended or hurt,
then you can understand that they're not wrong about how they feel any more than you're wrong
about how you feel. Allow them to be human and to experience the feelings that they're having
for whatever reasons. You know, I'm remembering a time in high school where I went up to my buddy
Todd and I stuck my finger in his belt loop and there's a little trick that you can do where you
wedge your finger against the end of the belt loop and then tugging a little bit. You let it
slip and it pops. It doesn't hurt the belt loop but it feels like somebody just tore off your
belt loop. So, I went up and I did that to Todd. He turns around like... And he's all angry about
it. He grabs hold of my belt loop and rips it off because he thought that I actually did it.
He's not wrong about how he felt. His perceptions had him believing that I had just done that to
him. It might be the same thing in an offense. There was no intention. You were probably just
having good fun with them or whatever. But if they became offended, it's real for them. So,
you can agree with that part. Latch on to that and that's going to help you to apologize for the
part that you agree with. Have you had experiences like this? I bet you've had some kind of like my
experience with todd back in high school. Put them in the comments. Let's share those with each other
and open up our thinking a little bit to what we actually agree with or what's true. I promised you
some practical things about wording. Here's one of the things that I would encourage you to consider.
Avoid saying sorry. Sorry is one of those words that's often misunderstood and it's
probably overused. You'll hear this in the grocery store. Someone bumps into you with their car. "Oh,
sorry." I'm not sure that's an appropriate use of the word sorry. What you might want to say instead
is "excuse me" or "pardon me". Sorry tends to be the most appropriate if you hear from someone that
a loved one passed away or if you're standing in line at a funeral. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Do you see? That's more of a fit. "I'm sorry" can fit in an apology but what if we were to change
the wording just a little bit and simply use the word apologize? "You know, I sincerely apologize
for what I did that caused that outcome." How does that feel to you? I like the energy of that
because it's more clear. It's not overused like the word sorry. I just kind of stay away from
sorry and move into some more effective wording. It's also really good as you consider the wording
of an apology to be very specific and clear. "I realize for example that what I did hurt you or
offended you. I understand that what I said to you last Thursday caused some feelings."
Okay? So, Identify it as clearly as you can whatever it was specifically.
"And I sincerely apologize for the impact that had on you; for the way that made you feel;
for the hurt that that caused you." Can you do that? That way you're not admitting to being
wrong. I know that's part of the issue. But setting being wrong or right aside,
you're able to connect with that person in a real way to honor the relationship and to make
a sincere apology for the part that you actually agree with. You can see that most of the work we
get to do is in our own mind. And you don't have to do it alone. We have resources available for
you right now at Live On Purpose Central. Come and join our community. Or at least check it out.
go.liveonpurposecentral.com. I'll see you there.