- The no contact rule used correctly
is one of the most powerful things you can actually do,
but if used incorrectly, it actually reverts back
and has the opposite effect of what you want.
So in this video, I'm gonna show you the three ways
that most people use the contact rule incorrectly.
And I'm gonna show you how to not make that same mistake,
so that you'll end up like doing the opposite
of what your intention is.
Now the first thing to understand about this is
you might be asking yourself, what is the no contact rule,
or can you clarify it for me?
The no contact rule is generally known
if you're moving out of a relationship
and your intention is to either get over somebody,
or your intention is to get them back,
which very often is the intention,
the reason people are doing the no contact rule
isn't just to get over them.
It's to actually get them to come back,
and it can have that effect.
It can have the effect of either helping you move on,
or it can have the effect of actually as you move on
and as you bring your energy back,
there's an attraction that comes back
for the other person.
However, so what does the no contact rule mean?
The no contact rule means specifically what it says.
It means you don't contact.
You don't contact.
You don't call 'em, you don't text them,
you don't see them.
The urges you have sometimes
when after you've had maybe a little glass of wine
and you're like, "Oh, let me see how they're doing.
"I'm just gonna say I miss you," or something like that,
that ends up reopening back up the loop,
and that is not actually no contact.
No contact is simply not contacting them
by talking to 'em on the phone, seeing them in person,
accidentally running into them,
and really just bringing your energy back 100%.
Now, a lot of times I've made videos
on the no contact rule before,
and many times what people do
is they are using the no contact rule
as a modality towards getting their ex back.
Now the reason this can work
is because when you energetically bring your energy back
and you start focusing on being the star of your own movie,
there is an effect where somebody else will feel
that you are more so pulling your energy back from them.
Now think about this.
Moving out of the relationship
that you may have moved out of,
what ended up happening is when you moved out of the...
When you were getting close to this person,
this person then probably said that they wanted space.
They wanted some type of energetic space.
They wanted time to like focus on their own things.
And what a lot of times will happen
is when somebody says, "I want space,"
the other person then gets in a way a little bit anxious
saying, "Well, why do you want space?
"Is there something wrong with me?
"Is there something I'm not doing right?
"Let me fix it.
"Let me help you."
And then they lean in even more, and then they try to fix.
And then the person says even more,
"Okay, now I want even a little bit more space"
to where they're almost out of the frame.
However, what ends up happening
is it has the opposite effect.
Now, the thing to understand about the no contact rule
is if they want space, give them space,
because in the space,
they can then in a way bring their energy
back to themselves.
Then they may actually realize
that they do still have feelings for you.
However, if you don't give them space,
they can't come to that remembrance within themselves.
So the key is to understand the power of space
and also the power of space in your own life.
Times in the past when I had challenges with this,
what I had to learn is that a lot of times
I was making somebody else the star of my movie
instead of being the star of my own movie.
I've seen it happen so many times
where people go through a breakup,
they bring the energy back to themselves.
They start focusing on their own passions.
They start hanging around their own friends.
They start focusing their own family.
And what ends up happening is they start loving their life.
And then as they start loving their life
and as they start feeling better,
people may actually come back,
because there is a very strong reflection that we get
based on the energy that we are embodying.
It is crazy how this works.
I've seen it happen so many times and even different ways,
not even just in love dynamics,
even in friendships dynamics where I could feel
that maybe a friend was going through a hard time,
and then this person would then have like more
and more things come up with more and more people
in the friend group, because it's like the energy
then almost like links up energetically
to everybody else that sparks that kind of situation.
So the no contact rule is bringing the energy back to you.
Now, a lot of times what happens
when people are doing the no contact rule,
number one way and the first way at least I wanna share
that people use it incorrectly
is they don't completely let go.
They are letting them go
and they are not contacting them,
which I guess is part of the no contact rule,
but their energy is still being projected at this person.
And a lot of times this person
may be doing the no contact rule,
because they think it's gonna get the person back.
Now the reason this doesn't work
is because this is tied to outcome.
This is also a form of manipulation.
It's a way of doing something to get a certain result.
I'm going to protest and anxious avoid in attachment styles.
The anxious may sometimes do something called protest
where they kind of pout.
I used to just growing up.
If I wanted attention, I'd be like pouting, quiet.
"What's wrong with Aaron?"
(Aaron pouts)
And then it was a way of like, oh, there's attention.
Now there's attention coming back to me.
You don't wanna do that though.
You don't wanna to do no contact,
because you want them to come back and to see your worth.
You wanna do no contact,
because you choose to bring back your own energy.
You choose to focus on being the star of your own movie.
You choose on focusing on your own purpose.
You choose to live by your own values,
live by your own virtues,
bring your energy back into your own self.
And part of this means, though,
becoming aware of the story
that you might have around this person.
You may have a story around this person
that this person is the other half to yourself.
This person is this specific like belief
that you have and that will make it give it
even more pressure and make it even worse.
One of the things that really helps is realizing
that it's just a story,
something you've bought into, something you believe.
There are billions of people on the planet.
There are other people that will resonate
with you in a very deep way.
And that helps you realize, oh,
I don't need to be in scarcity.
I can realize also my own sense of self-worth.
So the way people use this incorrectly
is they don't really let go.
They're doing it as a form of manipulation,
and they still think about this person.
And you might say, well, how do I stop thinking about 'em?
Like if I tell you to stop thinking about your ex right now,
you're probably thinking about them.
Well, that's because also I said it.
If I said don't think about purple elephant,
you're probably still thinking of a purple elephant.
The way that you draw your energy back
is that you bring it back into your body
and you start focusing on your own life.
You start focusing on what you're passionate about.
You start focusing, and you don't avoid thinking about them,
but when you do, you just let it go.
You let it kind of move through you.
It's a very powerful way of like releasing that energy.
And as you start focusing on your own life,
you'll realize that the energy that you normally draw
towards that then starts going in a new direction.
Now the second way people use no contact incorrectly
is actually a very common one,
but what they do is they don't completely do
the no contact rule.
So something that really makes the no contact rule powerful
is there's like one of two things you could do.
What you wanna do is you wanna make sure
you're not constantly sending them thoughts and energy,
because you're always thinking about them.
You wanna take your attention off of it.
Now sometimes what this means
is it means either blocking them or muting them
on social media to where you don't see their posts.
And if you don't see their posts,
you're not gonna think about them nearly as much.
But what you wanna do is you wanna make sure
that you're not setting yourself up
to constantly be rethinking about them over and over again.
So you bring your energy back,
and then you actually cut it off,
'cause sometimes what people do is they do no contact,
and they're secretly hoping, ooh,
I wonder if I go to this place
that my ex used to go to a lot
if I'm gonna run into them on accident,
or I hope that I can like...
What if I run into their friends or something like that,
then it just gets brought up, oh, how's this person doing?
You wanna become aware of those tendencies,
of those ways of trying to reopen up the loop.
And what you wanna do is become aware of it,
and then you wanna actually create the boundaries.
Within the boundaries, you're able to create safety.
Boundaries, block them or mute them
on social media so you don't see their posts,
you're not always thinking about them.
Do not go to the same...
If they go to this specific yoga studio,
don't go to the same yoga studio.
Don't hang around maybe the same friends
that like are connected to this person
where you're gonna hear about them all the time,
or tell your friends like,
"Listen, I know your friends with this person as well.
"However, could you just please not mention them around me,
"because I'm moving on,
"and it makes it harder when I hear about them."
Set boundaries.
Boundaries, so powerful to set boundaries.
When you set boundaries,
you will notice you bring more energy back in yourself
and you feel more magnetic.
Now also, if you want to learn step by step
how to become the most magnetic version of you,
there's something I have called the MAP,
the magnetic activation process.
It's a free five to seven page PDF
that shows you step by step how to bring the energy
back in your body, how to feel more magnetic,
how to honestly create your dream life as well
by activating the energy from within,
non-attached magnetic energy.
And if you wanna check it out,
you go to aarondoughty.com/map, M-A-P,
and then it also comes with like a 45 minute training video
that shows you step by step how to apply that process.
So the third way that people use
the no contact rule incorrectly
is they may not contact the person,
but they still leave things around
that remind them of that person.
So you might have objects from this person.
Now, if the object from this person
you don't think about often doesn't remind you of them,
then it's okay, but if you have all these things laying
around your house and everything reminds you of this person
or certain things remind you of your person,
I'd recommend that what you do is you begin
to look at this from a more neutral perspective.
Now, it is a funny thing, because there's also a way
to go through this where you realize
that there's an inner child aspect that may feel abandoned.
That's what happened for me.
I realized that what was really happening
is I had an abandonment wound where somebody was moving away
and I felt like, oh, I'm being rejected.
There's something wrong with me,
and subconsciously it reminded me of when I was a kid
when I felt the same way.
And what that allowed me to do is to go into it to realize
that it wasn't my fault,
that there was nothing wrong with me,
that it was just a situation where it just didn't align,
two people that just aren't meant for each other.
That helped me not wire in shame
and the belief that something is broken.
So when you have objects around you
that remind you of this person,
you could also use this.
Like you could run from it
and say remove the objects, it reminds me of this person,
or in a powerful way, you could do that,
that's not a bad idea, but there is also the perspective
of going into it, leaning into it and saying,
wait, there's nothing wrong with me.
There's nothing wrong with this person.
It just didn't work out.
And realizing that maybe it wasn't meant to be,
and then maybe realizing
that this may also be the deeper core abandonment energy,
and you can lean into that
and realize there's nothing wrong with you.
It's not your fault.
Maybe mom and dad divorcing when you were kids,
kids, we wire that in.
We think it's our fault.
Realize it's not your fault.
Realize it has nothing to do with you.
Mom and dad emotionally not being there
had nothing to do with you.
They were doing their own shit.
Maybe being with your ex (indistinct) what you're desiring.
Maybe it's realizing that it was nothing wrong.
It just wasn't meant to be.
And maybe they're just going through their own stuff
just like you're going through your own stuff.
It helps you to detach your energy field.
So either move the energetic components
around your house that reminds you of them
or lean into it and begin to neutralize it.
And you'll eventually feel grateful for that person,
because it helped you grow.
It helps you become and understand more about who you are.
And you'll realize
that maybe then you even raise the standard
for the kind of person you wanna bring into your life.
And you realize eventually you look back and say,
wow, I can't believe I was desiring that so much.
I can't believe I was thinking about that so much.
But we have this dopamine in our mind that sometimes ties us
to the past experiences that has us wanting that..
Now you might be wondering,
what do I do if somebody goes no contact on me?
Well, if somebody goes no contact on you,
here is exactly what to do.
The next things you do are very important.
Watch this video right here.
If someone goes no contact on you,
the things you do next are very important
in understanding how you can switch the energy field back
or completely let it go.