In the last episode of animated Bible myths Dinkleberry waterboarded the
dinosaurs because humanity was worms squirming with giants. Click here to
check it out now. It's been a few years since the Great Flood and Dinkleberry
failed miserably at eliminating sin, specifically into towns: Sodom and
Gomorrah. And since the whole genocide of the sinful worked so well before
think plans to wipe out these entire towns too. He hears the sinful outcry and
sends a couple of angel-dude-cakes down to investigate. They plan to couch-surf
in the city center but Lot urges them to crash at his place instead. Within a few
hours the entire town of Sodomites gathers outside Lot's house because they
hear that sex with angel-men is absolutely out of this world. Now Lot
wants to look out for his guests, and he knows that women are basically cattle
anyways, so he offers his two virgin daughters for a public gang rape instead.
But they were so but ugly that the entire town didn't want to bone them.
Lot's wizard guests cast flare, blind the Sodomites, and tell Lot to flee to the mountains
But since it's late he's tired, Lot asks if he can go next door to the
town of Zoar instead - which they agree to. Lot tries to convince his cows'...errr... I mean
daughters' fiances is to come along, but they think he's telling an apocalypse joke.
Which was apparently something everyone joked about right after the flood.
But at least this was their way out of marrying Lot's ugly daughters.
Lot, his wife, and two cows fleet Zoar, and the next morning Dinkleberry rains
down sulfur on Sodom and Gomorrah. Now sulfur's not all that flammable but
when heated releases sulfur dioxide and sulfur trioxide which are pretty toxic byproducts.
Basically Dink engaged in chemical warfare long before World War I.
And he definitely beat Saddam and Assad to it. He invented chemical warfare.
What a creative guy! Lot's wife looks back to check out the view and is
instantly turned to a block of salt.
But Abraham watching from his hilltop lawn chair's OK.
At least she turned into kosher salt. She made a fantastic seasoning for their lamb kebabs!
Now after offering his virgin daughters up for gang rape and leaving their
fiances behind to their deaths in Sodom, Lot decides that the town of
Zoar isn't the safest place to raise his daughters after all.
Because he's clearly concerned about their well-being.
So he moves them to an isolated mountain cave.
Being homeschooled was the last straw for them.
So they get their dad schwasty-faced
And once he's lying there with his dick out for Harambe,
they take turns sleeping with him and get prego.
We don't hear much about Lot and his daughters after this, but their inbred offspring
were the fathers of the Moabites and Ammonites who worshipped the cow-faced
fire-god Moloch and ripped open pregnant women's bellies.
It sure is a good thing that Dink preserved their lineage!
Now this may seem just like a typical crazy Animated Bible Myth,
But it's because of stories like this and others in the Bible
that bigoted pastors bash gays and claim that modern-day catastrophes are a
result of two men loving each other.
They claim that sodomy causes floods, hurricanes, tornados, etc.
but that's some next-level magic right there!
If that's the case I'll butt-fiddle my way to Narnia and level up!
You'd better hope your city's not on my dislike list.
Because I'm one gay relationship away from becoming a butt-wizard weatherman
capable of summoning down sulfur rain on your town.
There's one more thing that stands out about the story.
You know how before the internet, parents would come up with ridiculous explanations
to answer their kids questions when they didn't have the slightest clue what the answer was?
Do parents still do that?
You know, like, "The moon has a golden tint because it's made of cheese."
"People do bad things because Pandora opened a box."
That kind of thing.
Well I remember hearing in Sunday school one time,
that the Dead Sea was salty
because God turned Lot's wife into a giant block of salt that later dissolved into it.
And while I know that that account isn't found anywhere in the Bible,
it does kinda bridge the narrow gap between
religion and superstitious mythology and old wives tales,
lumping them all together in one category,
because ultimately that's all that religion is:
an ignorant, but easy answer to the complicated mysteries of the universe.
Sure, it's easier to ignore hard science, to not do the research, and to just say
that everything poofed out of nowhere at the behest of a magical galactic wizard.
But rainbows don't exist because of God's flood-regret,
Snakes don't crawl on their belly because one of them was once a shady apple-salesman,
and we weren't created by a divine Jewish zombie
for the sole purpose of satisfying his never-ending lust for compliments.
How is this still a thing?!
We have telescopes and microscopes, spectrographs, and the Internet.
These explanations have their time, as placeholders for the ignorant
in their lack of understanding.
But this is the 21st century!
We shouldn't be basing our lives around cannibalizing the body of a divine human sacrifice
or propagating myths about prophetic wonder-men floating into space on a magical horse!
A thousand-headed monster didn't create our planet,
and the earth wasn't spoken into existence in six days!
There is one passage in the Bible that I love, though, and it comes from the words of Paul:
"When I was a child, I talked like a child.
I thought like a child. I reasoned like a child.
But when I became a man, I put childish ways behind me."
Religion limits the mind
offering simple explanations that may have seemed plausible when we were children,
but it's time to grow the hell up!
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