The trickster God of Asgard has made many enemies over his long life, and it’s finally
caught up to him.
The notorious criminal and villain Loki has been captured by the intergalactic overlord
known as The Grandmaster, who has held a grudge against him for a long time.
And for those who offend the Grandmaster, there’s only one fate: Fighting for their
lives in the arenas for the entertainment of alien visitors from around the Galaxy.
But this isn’t just about a show.
This is about punishment.
The Grandmaster has been searching far and wide for the perfect opponent to go up against
Loki.
He wants to pit the Asgardian trickster against someone who is sure to give him the beating
of his life.
He’s zeroed in on the most brutal warrior in the galaxy, a legendary fighter who strikes
fear into the heart of anyone they cross.
Now he just needs to use the tractor beam to summon him to the arena.
Just as he is inputting the coordinates, a bee lands on his hand, causing the Grandmaster’s
finger to slip and enter an eight instead of a five.
The tractor beam misses the warrior entirely, and instead, it hits...
You.
You’re right in the middle of eating a corn dog when the tractor beam picks you up and
deposits you directly in the arena.
Here we go again.
You barely survived all those horror movie villains, not to mention the intergalactic
space warrior and the zombie piggy, but now you’ve got to face an actual God?
How are you going to defeat Loki?
First, some good news is.
Loki isn’t quite as physically strong as his brother Thor.
A fight with him would have likely lasted about as long as it took for him to throw
his hammer at you and send you flying into the next galaxy.
But what Loki lacks in brute strength, he makes up for in everything else.
The adopted son of the king of Asgard, Odin, he plotted from a young age to have his brother
exiled so he could usurp the throne from his father.
He even unleashed the deadly weapon the Destroyer on his brother’s adopted home of Earth before
being defeated.
But his next attack would be on an even bigger scale.
Teaming up with an army of carnivorous bug aliens, he invaded Earth and attempted to
conquer the entire planet.
It took the full force of the newly formed Avengers, including a ruthless beating from
the Hulk, to finally stop him, after which he was imprisoned on Asgard.
He promptly used the next crisis to fake his death, impersonate his father, and escape
justice for his crimes.
This guy sounds terrible!
Well, not entirely.
While posing as King, he mostly liked to put on plays that portrayed him as a fallen hero.
And when he and Thor wound up imprisoned on the Grandmaster’s planet by their evil sister
Hela, Loki wound up siding with his brother and engineering their escape - which probably
explains why the Grandmaster is so mad right now.
He seemed to have turned over a new leaf, but this new look on life ended abruptly when
he the evil space tyrant Thanos killed him.
Wait a minute, if Loki is dead, then how is he about to kill you?
Well, after Thanos won and erased half the universe, the Avengers had to do some time
travel.
That involved a stop in 2012, right after Loki’s attempt to conquer Earth.
In the chaos, Loki, fresh off his biggest attack ever, managed to escape.
And he’s likely going to get right back up to his old tricks while everyone still
thinks he’s dead.
So much for all that character development.
So Loki probably isn’t going to back off if you say, “Hey, I know your brother, and
he’d be really mad if you killed me!”.
No, you’re going to have to beat him.
And honestly, compared to some of the guys you’ve had to fight - he doesn’t look
too scary!
He’s a scrawny guy who looks like he’s about to ask you to pick a card, any card.
You think that maybe you should just try to fight him one-on-one!
You could probably get in a few good punches, and maybe even take him out before he has
a chance to react.
Loki might not look intimidating, but looks can be deceiving.
He may look like an Asgardian, but that’s just an enchantment.
He’s actually a Frost Giant, and with that supernatural size comes supernatural strength.
He was able to go toe-to-toe with many of the Avengers, although he couldn’t match
the strength of his brother or the Hulk.
He can also shrug off a lot of damage since we saw that he was alive to complain after
being slammed against the floor by the Hulk dozens of times.
But any lack of strength he has is more than made up for with his supernatural speed and
agility, exemplified by him being able to pluck an arrow shot by Hawkeye right out of
the air.
And you?
Well, you’re a regular guy with a spear in an arena.
Tough luck.
But don’t give up just yet, because there’s more good news for you!
Loki’s a showman.
He’s also here in this arena against his will, but he’s not interested in simply
killing you and moving on.
He’s probably thinking of a way to escape just like you are, and the odds are he’s
more interested in getting revenge against the Grandmaster than he is in ending your
life.
This means if you don’t make him angry, the fight could go on for a while.
So grab that spear, and start sparring.
Maybe you’ll learn a little about his fighting style, and you can get an idea about some
weak spots.
The problem is...things aren’t always what they appear with Loki.
Loki might be strong, fast, and durable, but his biggest weapon is his command of Asgardian
magic.
He’s a master sorcerer and is notorious for his illusions.
He can turn himself invisible and create hologram duplicates of himself to confuse his opponents.
So at any time, you might find yourself fighting twenty Lokis - or even no Lokis at all!
Fortunately, the Grandmaster had the bright idea to build his arena on a desert planet,
which means you’re surrounded by sand.
Grab some and put it in your pocket, and when Loki pulls this trick, throw some at him while
being sure to shout “Pocket sand!”
The sand will pass right through the holograms, but it’ll hit the genuine article - and
bam, then you have your real target.
But isolating the real Loki isn’t the end of your problems, because sometimes, Loki
isn’t Loki at all.
He can change his appearance entirely, shape-shifting into other people like Thor, Odin, and Captain
America, but he can change his physical shape into non-humans as well, as the unfortunate
Thor found out when he was young.
He found what looked like a snake in the gardens of Asgard and the curious boy picked it up,
only for the snake to transform itself into Loki and use the opportunity to stab his brother.
So if you manage to corner Loki too tightly in the arena, he might just turn into a wasp,
sting you, and fly away.
This might actually be your best shot at him though.
When Loki transforms, he makes himself more vulnerable.
While he can reshape his appearance, he doesn’t seem to be able to completely defy the laws
of physics.
So if he turns himself into a small animal to escape a tight spot - and then finds himself
in a tighter spot - he might be out of luck.
Look around the arena as you dodge swings of Loki’s sword and see if you can spot
any pots or bags.
Those might just be more useful than any weapon since if you can trap Loki in one of them
when he’s shapeshifting, he won’t be able to get back to his normal form without finding
himself in a very uncomfortable position.
Of course, then there’s another problem.
What happens when he does eventually get out.
Maybe the Grandmaster will accept that trapping Loki in a sack counts as a win.
Maybe he won’t make you actually finish him.
He seems like a reasonable guy, right?
Well, not really.
And if Loki comes out of the trap alive, even for a second, you’re in trouble.
Now you’re once again up against a master tactician, fighter, and sorcerer - and now
you’ve made him mad.
Loki does have one other weakness - his pride.
He thinks he’s the greatest guy in the world, and he loves to talk about it.
I mean, this is a guy who faked his death, then put on a series of shows all about his
heroic death.
And you know a lot about Loki.
So why not put that to work.
Your best chance to survive now may be to let him know you’re his biggest fan.
And he might not want to kill someone who could be on his side.
As soon as the fight begins, make Loki think you’re excited to fight him.
Talk about all his most famous exploits.
He won’t want the fight to be over quickly both for his showman qualities and because
he loves hearing people talk about him.
You’ll still probably have to dodge some spear thrusts, and be sure not to turn your
back on him, but you’re far more likely to survive those early rounds this way.
And now it’s time for the one sentence that could change everything.
“I think I can get us both out of here.”
That’s right, you’re about to pull one over on the greatest con artist in this dimension
and probably a few others too.
Because while Loki is brilliant, he’s not a psychic - and he wants to get out of here
just as much as you do.
He doesn’t know you, he doesn’t have any reason to mistrust you or suspect that you
too are a master of deception, and this might be your best shot to get him in a vulnerable
position.
Just keep on playing out the fight, while you fill him in on your plan.
You’re going to get the drop on Grandmaster, and to do that - he has to let you trap him.
That way, you can get the supposedly defeated Loki over to the evil overlord, open the sack
to present your bested opponent - and then Loki leaps out and stabs Grandmaster just
like he did to his brother all those years ago.
At least, that’s what you’re telling him will happen.
If your lies pass his insight roll, then Loki might just go along with your idea.
He pretends that he is cornered in the middle of the fake fight, leading him to transform
into something small to escape.
You then trap his miniature form in a small vessel you found and whisper that it’s all
going to plan and that now you’re going to bring him to the Grandmaster.
Except you’re not just going to take him to Grandmaster.
This is the only opportunity you have.
As soon as he’s trapped, you seal him in it nice and tight in any way you can, like
cinching up the bag you found with a super tight knot.
Hope you remember your Boy Scout training!
Then, once he’s trapped, you don’t waste a moment.
You slam that bag against the arena floor as hard and fast as you can to disorient him.
Feel free to yell “Hulk Smash” while you do it.
And then while he’s stunned, take whatever weapon you have on hand and finish the job!
That’s right, your plan wasn’t a multi-step lesson in treachery, you just had to catch
him in a bag and slam him into the ground!
You beat the trickster god with the one thing he wasn’t expecting, a scheme so basic and
stupid that he would walk right into it.
He probably had an elaborate plan for how he’d get one over on your around step nine
or ten of what he imagined your plan to be, but there’s no way you can think as many
moves ahead as he thought you could.
So this time you got him...right?
Well you can never be sure with Loki, but the Grandmaster seems to buy it at least.
You’re declared the victor, given a shiny new trophy, and now it’s time for… your
next match!
Wait, did he say next match?
And is that a giant rock monster?
You know, you technically weren’t even supposed to be here, so maybe you can convince the
Grandmaster to just send you home instead.
After all, you did help him get revenge on Loki.
You really don’t want to try your luck in another match.
And what do you know, it worked!
You’re back at home, although you should probably get a new corn dog, this one has
been lying on the ground for a while.
But then again, the kitchen is awfully far away… eh it’s probably still good.
Now there’s nothing to do but enjoy your victory and watch some TV.
And that shiny new trophy from your adventure will look pretty good on your mantle.
Wait, did your trophy always have that green band around it?
And doesn’t it kind of look like it’s glaring at you?
It couldn’t be...nah.
It’s probably nothing...right?
For another battle against a notorious Marvel wild card, check out “You vs. Deadpool - How
Can You Defeat and Survive Him”, or check out this video instead.