Welcome back y’all, to episode two of
Go Off!
I Am Julissa Calderon
and I'm your girl, Jessica Marie Garcia, and we are so excited for today's episode
We have some amazing sketches in store for you.
That is right.
For those of you joining us for the first time,
I don't know what you've been doing, but welcome!
Go off is a space where you get to briefly ignore your dram
in real life, by laughing at our trauma.
Ahh, sweet.
Now it is spooky season.
Boo!
Oh, damn. That scared me.
So there is no better time to put a mask over your emotions and dump them on your
family on Thanksgiving. Oh, how sweet.
Oh, it's time. It's time to
Go Off!
Girl, have you even watched the new season of You?
Oh, my God, yes.
It is scary.
The committed relationship, the crying baby, the couples therapy.
- Oh - Joe.
OK. So not the stalking and murdering just adulthood?
Uh uh!
Don't say the a word too loud
or else
it might happen.
Did I say asshole?
Oh, adulthood noted. OK.
Well, nobody stalks quite like Joe Goldberg. But there is
one person who may be giving him a run for his baseball cap girl.
A latina!
Mmhmm.
It's so nice to meet you.
Delilah has been telling us all about you
apartment three.
Are you going to tell me what you want?
This isn't an interrogation.
We just want to see who's hanging out
with our girl.
Damn.
Oh, hi. Can I get the salmon?
Well done, please. With the salad.
Oh and no dressing.
Oh, yeah, I'll do the same.
- But with a side of fries. - Mmhm. Mmhm.
Do you want anything?
No.
OK, well, you pick the place, whatever.
That's not how any of it happend.
You literally picked this place.
Yeah, I wanted to go to UrthCaffe
and you were like, no, it’s too trendy.
One of those tumeric lattes. They're frickin delicious.
- Know what I'm talking about?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, I do.
With the dusting on top.
Yes!
Just tell me what you want. - Oh that’s so
We were just hoping we could all get
to know each other a bit.
We can go first.
Rosa and I are both really into crossfit.
Sorry. Excuse me.
What the fuck?
Hang on one second.
Hello?
Uh yeah, you just left us without paying the bill.
Listen to me.
You're insane.
(Internal Voice) Delilah, Will is no good for you.
Here's what we figured out so far.
First,
he's a little skinny,
and you don't need that in your life.
Second,
pretty sure he doesn't use fabric softener
and that's just dumb.
Plus, he's an actual stalker
and not even a good one.
(Internal voice) Like, bro, you just put on a hat.
We all know it’s you.
Wait.
You can inner monologue, too?
Yeah, bitch.
Let's go call Delilah.
(sigh)
What?
Umm, we met Will.
Girl, we were in the middle
of telling him our crossfit journey
and then he just frigging left.
Great. Bye.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
OK, forget about the crossfit.
Hey, we checked his Instagram, Lailah!
He follows more people than follow him.
Oh, really?
We wouldn't lie to you about that.
You ran a background check?
Name one guy you've dated
that we haven't done a full profile on.
Lucas.
The dude with the daughter that you didn't know about.
Juanito who turned out to be kind of your cousin.
Jerry
The guy with the bad foot.
- Oh, I liked him. - Me too.
OK, just stop.
All we're saying is
he seemed a little extremely
crazy!
Yeah, what did you say to him
last time you spoke?
If you want to be exclusive, you can ask me out
on a real date
and then we'll talk.
OK, fine.
Girl, if you are into this weirdo,
then we're happy for you.
Yeah. Do you girl, just do you.
This bitch is crazy.
Totally insane.
Oh, shit, we're doing it again.
Awww inner monologue besties!
This is like my favorite new thing we do.
Totally.
Yo, I'm ready. Where’s Delilah?
I don’t know, call her.
- Hey!
- Hey, bitch, we're going to Nobu.
Ben's picking us up where you at?
I heard Ben got another DUI, umm.
Can you confirm?
I mean, yeah, technically.
Yeah, and since when do you care?
You drove that whole year,
we did that experimental Ambien trial.
Girl's got to pay rent.
So?
I still have some.
You want me to bring you one?
OK, thanks. Bye.
Wait, wait, wait.
So that means you're coming?
I can't tonight,
but soon I got to go, I'll talk to you later.
Oh, OK, so because she has a boyfriend now
she's too good for us.
Unbelievable.
Who does she think she is?
I know!
I still have some Ambien, if you want to take one.
Bitch, is today, Friday or is it Friday?
It's Friday.
OK, so pass it.
Listen, Joe may be crazy, but he's got a big show.
- Is that a dirty joke? - I mean.
Ohhhh
Anyway,
anyone who's listened to Olivia Roderigo
Sour 15 times knows 90’s nostalgia is at an all time high.
Listen, I remember when I had my first flip phone.
and I had to wait till after nine p.m.
to talk to my little crush because the minutes after nine were free.
I feel that I heard Netflix has so many 90’s references in their shows.
They've built a new department that trains actors on 90’s nostalgia.
- OK, budget. - Budget.
Your Tomagachi just beeped twice!
What. does. it. want?
Uhh new batteries?
Wrong! It's dying!
Guess you can't explain it all, Clarissa!
Oh, my name is Olivia.
When you're in my 90’s bootcamp,
your name is Clarissa.
Got it?
- I'm Sergeant Brandy.
- and I'm Lieutenant Monica.
And, we're Netflix’s 90’s
drill sergeants.
Truth or Dare Clarissa?
Ummm, dare?
WRONG!
The answer is double dare.
Now download me three songs on Lime Wire
without crashing your desktop.
I got to call my manager.
Step to it, Clarissa!
I don't want to wait for my life to be over.
I don't want to wait.
For my life to be over.
With 90’s nostalgia in full swing,
Fuller House, Everything Sucks, Fear Street 1994
Stranger Things.
That's the 80’s
It's a popular show, it'll get there.
Netflix thinks it's phat to make sure these zoomers
portray our 90’s trauma
authentically.
We can be hard asses, no doubt.
But nothing was harder than the 90’s.
I sent you a ASL in a random chat room.
What do I want to know?
Age, sex, location.
Why?
To make sure you're not a pedophile, ma'am
That's good. That's very good.
You call me ma'am again.
I'll deactivate your fucking Instagram account
You understand?
Yes.
I'm freaking out about the songs
I haven’t backed up from Napster.
Which apocalypse am I about to meltdown about?
Y2K, Miss Monica?
That's phat home skillet!
That’s phat!
Now grab a Capri Sun
and meet me under the bleachers
for Burned CD stamping.
I’m about it bout it!
I think what's most shocking is
how much these baby face adults
already know about the 90’s.
But just because they read BuzzFeed,
don't mean they know the pain!
They don't know.
Who can't get no love from me?
A scrub.
And he's also known as uh?
Buster!
- Now which... - TGIF line up,
Step by Step. Family Matters. Boy Meets World
And... - MTV used to play music.
Simba was voiced by JTT,
- Yeah but - and theAlanis Morissette
song is about the Fuller House Guy.
- Yeah but which...
- Which was originally just full house.
Yeah, I know all this stuff already.
I have an iPhone.
You guys take this so seriously.
You kids think it was all about
Dial up Sounds and TRL.
You think you know, but you have no idea.
You kids don't know pain.
You think you know what a bibliography is.
Try citing Encarta.
You've never worn skirts over pants.
You've never ripped the tag
off your fucking beanie baby by accident.
My Princess Diana one was worth hundreds!
Hundreds!
You’ve never played a game of MASH
on a bus, on your way to a camping trip
with the Indian princesses only
to land on six kids, Aaron Carter, and a shack!
What the fuck was Indian princesses?
POGS!
JNCO jeans.
Falling in love with boys with frosted tips.
That was our One Direction break up.
I'm, I’m so sorry. I had no idea.
Clarissa
Just do us a favor.
It's Olivia!
Just fix what the boomers fucked up.
We tried.
Two recessions.
When Britney and Justin Broke up.
Ben and J-Lo are back together.
That's, that's good.
It’s just been too much for us.
It's up to you now. All of it.
Come on.
Let's get you a Surge.
I would love that man.
I mean.
That sounds like da bomb.
They're ready.
OK, so over the pandemic, I feel like everybody
and they mama
went live on IG
and they haven't really stopped.
No, tell me about it.
But I do have to say, when I go live with my fans,
it can be a fun time.
Or it can be the most bizarre time.
Trust me, I know.
Oh, you know what?
I think we actually have a sketch
that might get to exactly what you're talking about.
Oh Cringe.
What a great segue.
What's up, you guys?
It's your girl Darlene here. And I am so excited to be back.
It's been like two hours.
OK, I'm going to go live with a couple of people.
OK, Billie Eyelash.
Billie Eyelash, let's go make it a good one.
Oh, hey, what's up?
OK, well, what's your name?
Where are you from?
Your worst nightmare.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
I'm just kidding.
Hey, I'm Claire from Claremont, New Jersey Hills,
Spelled just like the jewelry store at the I'm such a big fan.
I've been waiting forever to go live with you.
Like this is a really big deal for me.
I screenshot and print out every story you ever posted
since March of 2019 as posters on my very walls.
They're right over here.
And I'm working on all your Tik Toks too.
I'm really, really super excited about it. Super stoked.
This is like the best day of my life.
You know that most nights when I'm like depressed about my dad
cheating on my mom with my college professor, kind of a big deal,
still like in my head,
I just sit here and wait for you to post new content to feel better.
And I feel so much better.
You're like the best, do you know that you're the best?
Do you know that you're like super super pretty. I love your hair like that.
You typically wear it on the other side.
But I think today is like a really special day for you.
You know, new hair on that side like new best friend.
Oh, thank you so much.
But, you know, again
again, like, you know, you have to understand
like what you've done for me, because, you know, again,
my my my dad cheated on my mom with my college professor.
So that's kind of like a sore subject for me.
Your dad cheated on your
I don't, I don't know if your parents want you to, like, be saying this online.
Oh, yeah, they do.
Like my therapist said I could talk about it as often as I wanted to.
It's part of my journey.
It's part of my process. It's like a healing thing that I do.
And plus, like I do smoke a little to ease the heartache.
You know, I have a card, too, so like it's cool.
It's cool. I have a card so.
Okay.
I mean, it’s a Chipotle Card, you know, I get free burritos for life.
But, you know, until I got caught,
you know, my cousin who works there stole them for me.
So like, I mean, like that was like a pro
Like he's in juvie now, but like that's OK.
Like, you know, he'll get out eventually. Like it's not that bad.
Cool.
Like, cool.
So yeah, like I was in my first semester
at Hillsborough Community College in Tampa.
Woah go Tampa, and while I was away from home,
my father calls and tells me that she choked on the chicken
in her lean cuisine meal while watching Jeopardy.
But I like I blame him because if he wasn't out
cheating with my college professor, like he would have been able to save her.
You know what I mean? Like, I feel like that's what you would have sa
and you, you sing songs on your life somet when you say like, never be afraid.
And I just really take that to heart.
OK?
I hope that your mom is OK.
She's dead.
Oh.
All right. I'm so sorry to hear that.
Muahahahahahahahahaha!
No, I'm just kidding.
No, she is. She's dead.
So what should I do?
What should you do about what?
To seek vengeance on my father!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
Alright, Billie Eyelash, like it was so cool talking to you.
Darlene, Billie Eyelash
We did that.
OK? Yeah, we did that, we did that. We're
We should do a handshake. We're best friends.
All right. So I'm
like just exit here, like just because I got to get the next person
And I think the thing I'm looking at like more requests.
So I don't want to.
For sure. For sure. For sure.
Just understand that I have about thirty two accounts
that are also on this line right now. So you might get me again.
- Thank you so much. - Bye, I love you.
Can I have a lock your hair?
All right, I got to go.
I think that was enough for the day.
But I will see you guys next time for the AMA ASMR live.
All right.
Your girl Darlene. Peace out!
All right y’all. That is our show.
Thank you for tuning in.
Yes. Thank you. We hope you got to laugh,
See you all again in two weeks.
And until next time
GO OFF!
You've never played a game, of MASH on the way to the bus on your way to compete
Nothing was harder than the flipping 90’s am I right?
Am I right?
Cut! Great!