- He's like, "Oh, yeah, no problem.
He's like, "Rack-a-tah, Rack-a-tah, boom, boom, boom."
[speaking Spanish]
"That's it. You beat the motherfucker up.
That's all you need to do."
[dark electronic music]
- [indistinct shouting] - Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh?
- Come on. Move. Come on. - What? What's going on?
- Come on. - This is not happening.
[rapid gunfire]
No, no. What...
I'm--I'm your host.
I'm your host, Roy Wood Jr.
- Come on.
- Ahh, ahh.
- Augh!
- [groans]
[glass shattering]
[panting]
♪ ♪
Mm...ahh!
[bones crunching]
[cheers and applause]
Check out is album "Laughing And Crying At The Same Time."
This is Chris Garcia.
[cheers and applause]
- When I was a kid, I was fat.
Yeah, anybody else play goalie?
[laughter]
Yeah, so yeah, I was a fat kid, and once you're a fat kid--
if you're a fat kid, you know that it will haunt you
the rest of your life.
Like the ghost of Go-Gurts past.
It's just always right there, and I've struggled
with my weight my whole life.
Once second I'm fat, then I'm skinny, then I'm fat,
then I'm skinny.
One second I'm Jonah Hill, and then I'm Jonah Hill,
and then I'm Jonah Hill, and then I'm Jonah Hill,
and I just want to be somewhere in the middle, Seth Rogan,
and... [laughter]
A couple of years ago, I was dating this woman,
and she was way out of my league, and I knew it,
and she knew it, and I was uncomfortable the whole time,
'cause I met her when I was skinny,
and I knew the fat she was gonna drop,
and I was gonna get fat again.
I just knew it.
I knew it, and a year and a half into the relationship
it happened.
You know, you get comfortable after a year and a half.
You gain that Netflix 15 or whatever.
And that's what happened. I got fat again
and had a sneaking suspicion that she wanted to leave me
because I looked at her phone when she was in the shower.
[laughter]
And this is what she told her friend.
She texted her friend. She was like, "Hey,
I think I'm gonna leave Chris."
And her friend was like, "Why?"
And she was like, "He's starting to look like
a fat Peter Dinklage.
[laughter]
Ouchies.
Like, Peter Dinklage is handsome, but Fat Dink
is not what I'm going for.
So I freak out; I was like, "I've got to lose some weight.
"I've got to lose weight fast.
I want to stay with this girl, you know."
And I looked at the back of the weekly paper,
and there's was an ad for a boxing boot camp.
And I was like, "That seems like a good idea."
It's eight weeks,
five days a week, 6:00 a.m. to 8:00 a.m.
And it was taught by these, like, Irish gold glove boxers.
Like, fresh off the boat Irish guys.
I didn't understand a fucking word they said.
They were just like... [speaking gibberish]
And it was, like, the sounded like fuckin'
Bono in reverse, right?
But they were really good trainers,
and I was really into it, so I started, like, training.
I start boxing. I'm, like, jumping rope.
I'm running; I'm starting to, like,
cut weight and all this stuff.
I'm really into it.
My girlfriend leaves her laptop in my apartment
with her G-chat open.
I had to take a snoop.
I had to, and I took a look,
and she told her friend, she was like,
"Hey, I think I'm gonna fuck this DJ."
And I was like, "You're gonna fuck a DJ?
Have fun having bedbugs and paying for his fucking rent.
That's some bullshit."
And I get mad, right?
And I look him up, and this guy is beautiful.
This guy is fucking fine as fuck.
He looks look Persian Common.
[laughter]
Imagine handsome-ass Common with, like,
a hookah in his mouth; that shit was sexy.
[laughter]
He's, like, a very beautiful man, and I'm like,
"Fuck this shit."
And this is very embarrassing, but this is what I did.
I went on his Facebook page, and I printed out a picture
of him, and I put it in my locker...
[laughter]
At the gym.
It was a moment of weakness, but I needed motivation.
I need to lose weight, and I was like,
"I'm gonna put a picture of this motherfucker
up in my locker."
I do that; this gay guy in my class is like,
"Is that your boyfriend? He's beautiful."
[laughter]
I'm like, "No, it's not my fucking boyfriend.
I'm gonna beat that guy off-- I mean, up."
Fuck!"
[laughter]
I'm getting all amped.
I'm getting really into this class.
I'm, like, I've conflated these two things, like,
becoming a boxer and getting my girl back,
and one day I'm in class, right,
and there's, like--I'm sparring.
And you spar with random people.
This one day I sparred with this guy who's, like,
6'2", right?
He's, like--I'm, like, 5-Dinklage, you know.
I am not tall.
This guy's very tall, and--but we're just doing body blows.
We're sparring; we're only allowed to hit each other
in the body and stuff, and I'm, like,
a little intimidated, but whatever.
I'm trying to beat up Persian Common right now.
I don't give a fuck.
So I'm punching this guy in the stomach, right,
and he blocks himself really close to his stomach,
and I punch him, and I punch him in the nuts.
And he's like, "Watch it, bro.
You punched me in the nuts."
And I'm like, "I didn't punch you.
"I punched you in the stomach, but you're blocking too close
"to your body.
This is too close.
"If you block right here, I'm gonna punch you in the nuts.
You need to block out here." He was like, "Whatever, bro."
I punch him again, boom, in the nuts.
He was like, "You punched me in the nuts."
I was like, "No, you punched you in the nuts."
And then he comes, and he sucker punches me in the face.
And my face explodes.
And there's just blood everywhere down my shirt.
I'm like, "Fuck you, dude."
Boom, and I take this crazy swing at him,
and we're just taking these weird haymakers
at each other.
The class stops.
The class stops, circles around us.
One of the Irish coaches is like,
"Finally some fuckin' boxin' in here."
[laughter]
And I'm like, "Fuck yeah, I love this shit."
After the class, the boxing coach is like, "Hey,
after the eight weeks, we open up the gym for a fight night."
[laughter]
"We invite a couple of the boxers from the class to fight.
"You can invite your friends
"and your family and stuff.
"It's at nighttime.
"We have ringsider girls and announcers and referees.
Would you want to participate in that?"
And I was like, "Yeah.
"I want to do that.
"I'm gonna invite my girlfriend.
"I'm gonna get in a boxing ring.
"I'm gonna beat some motherfucker up.
And I'm gonna win her back."
That was my plan.
I show up the day of the fight.
I ask my coach, "Who am I fighting?"
He was like, "Oh, you're fighting the guy
you punched in the nuts."
I'm like, "Fuck, this guy's 6'2"."
He's--he's like a blond, buff, 6'2" blond guy.
He was buff when he got into the class.
If he was in an '80s movie, his name would be, like,
Rad Chad Masters.
And I already pissed him off.
I'm like, "This guy's gonna fucking murder me.
This is not what I'm going for."
You know what I mean? And I'm nervous.
And I was like, "I don't know what to do."
It's the day of the fight. I call my dad.
My dad's an old Cuban man.
Cubans love boxing.
He's like my own Mr. Miyagi.
Señor Miyagi.
So I call my dad. I'm like, "Papi."
That's what I call him, 'cause he's my dad,
not 'cause he's Pitbull.
I say...I say, "Papi, my fight's tonight.
I need some advice. What do I do?"
He's like, "Oh, yeah, no problem.
He's like, "Rack-a-tah, Rack-a-tah, boom, boom, boom."
[speaking Spanish]
"That's it. You beat the motherfucker up.
That's all you need to do."
[laughter and applause]
And I'm like, "That's great, Dad.
"The guy's 6'2", and he's like, "Oh, okay.
Yeah, you're gonna lose."
[laughter]
"You've got no chance, man.
"You're not gonna beat this guy up.
"I don't know; do the sign of the cross
"or some
"Actually, you know what?
"The only way you're gonna beat him is psychologically.
"You need to get inside the guy's head, okay?
"He's more scared to lose to you
"than you are to lose to him, okay?
"So do some crazy shit. Get in his head.
"If he thinks he's gonna lose to you,
"at least you have a little window of opportunity
to fuck him up."
And I was like, "Okay, thanks."
So I was, like, that's kind of--that's all I've got.
What am I gonna do?
This guy's fuckin huge, you know.
And I'm like, "All right, be weird
"and crazy.
Act like an idiot."
So I was like, "I've got a day, and so I was like,
"All right, I'm gonna buzz my head."
I buzz my head with a beard trimmer.
Like a fugitive running from the fucking law.
[laughter]
I looked all crazy.
I wore these dirty, bloody basketball shorts
from when he punched me.
I never washed them. They're down to here.
I wore mismatched socks all the way up to my knees
like a fucking rodeo clown.
I wore these dirty Chucks.
I was the only boxer that did not wear a shirt that night.
I've got a tattoo and some scars.
I looked crazy. I looked like a fucking
out-of-work Juggalo.
[laughter]
And so I show up.
I get in the ring.
My girl's there. My friends are watching.
There's comedians there.
I was like, "I better win or I'm gonna get fucking
heckled or dumped or some shit, right?"
So I show up; I'm in the ring.
The announcer comes over, and he's like,
"Hey, what do you want me to say about you?"
And I was like, "Call me the Cuban Missile Crisis."
[laughter]
And he announces me, and he's like,
"Chris 'The Cuban Missile Crisis' Garcia."
And I'm like, "Yeah!"
And I--part of my crazy plan was to, like,
I'm not gonna look--before the fight when we knock gloves,
I'm not gonna look this motherfucker in the eye.
He's gonna look down at me by 6 inches and just be like,
"I got you.
You punched me in the nuts; I'ma kill you, motherfucker."
So I just, like, ignored his face.
And I just fucking "Sling Blade'd" my face,
and I just--I ended up staring at his fucking nuts.
I was just like...
[laughter]
The fight starts.
I'm too mesmerized by his nuts, and he's just, like, boom,
punches me, like, uppercut, two uppercuts,
and I'm, like, "Uhh," and there's blood just
going down my chin and just down my chest,
and I'm like, "Ah, fuck," and I'm like--
this is not what I'm going for right here.
I'm not trying to get beat up in front of this fool.
So I get--I get close.
I'm just running around all crazy.
And then he comes close, and I punch him in the nuts.
And he's like "Dude."
He's like, "You fucking nut-puncher!"
And he pushes me across the ring,
and I'm like, "Ahh!"
And I'm feeling--I don't know if you've been in a fight
before, but your adrenaline is insane.
And I see my girl and stuff, and I'm like, "Ahh!"
And I run towards the guy, and I'm just like, "Ahh!"
Flailing at him, and I hug him, and I start punching him
in the back of the head like this.
Like, he's, like, this tall.
It was like this. "Ahh!"
It was fucking nuts.
And the referee pulls me aside, and he's like--he's like,
"Stop it. You're out of control."
And I spit my bloody mouthguard out.
I just go...and then I go, "Fuck you!
He's bigger than me!"
And the crowd's like, "Yeah!"
And I'm like, "Yeah.
I'm a comedian. I love this noise," you know?
[laughter]
My boxing coach brings me into the corner,
and he's like, "Hey, come over here.
You need to relax."
[laughter]
And I was like, "Okay, I'll relax.
Fine." And he's like,
"I put you against this guy,
"'cause I think you could beat him up.
"You have a lot of heart, and you put a lot into this.
"Also, you're left-handed, and he's right-handed.
"So he's only used to boxing right-handers.
"You kind of have an advantage in this weird way.
"So when he comes in with a hook,
"you duck it, you enter, like, toward the stomach,
"and you just punch him in the guts.
"Punch him--not in the nuts, in the guts.
Just bust his fucking guts."
And I was like, "All right."
I come in; he comes in with the hook.
"Oh, fuck."
[laughter]
"God damn it."
And then we start fighting some more.
We're pushing each other around.
It's kind of crazy, and I'm like,
"All right, I'm just waiting for this hook to come in."
He comes, he punches me again, and he punches me again,
and my eye just immediately swells up.
It looks like a fucking raw hamburger paddy slash butthole.
[laughter]
I could see it. My eye was too closed.
I was just like this, and I was like, "Oh, dude,"
and, like, time froze, and I'm just looking at my girlfriend,
and she was like, "No!"
And I'm like, "Well, it was nice knowing you.
I'm about to lose, and this is gonna be fucking terrible."
I'm imagining here.
I'm imagining Persian common just fucking her super hard
and just fucking ramming her.
I'm thinking about my dad being like,
"You fucking disappointment, man.
I came to America for this bullshit, you know?"
And I'm like, "All right," we box some more.
He comes in with a hook,
and I just fucking bust him in the gut.
I bust him in the gut.
And then I hit him right-- right above the dick.
Super--like, right here, and he goes, "Ahh," like this,
and he's like, "Don't punch me in the nuts.
Don't punch me in the nuts."
And his hands are down here.
And he's, like, right in front of my face.
And his face is exposed.
His gloves and down, and I just go boom.
And I clocked his ass, and he fell,
and I beat him.
[cheers and applause]
Psychologically.
He's just laying there flopping around like fucking fish.
And they call the fight, and it was over.
And I'm like, "Oh, shit.
Ahh."
And my girlfriend walks--she, like, runs around towards me,
like Adrian and Rocky or whatever, and she's like,
"Christian!"
And she comes, and she throws her arms around me,
and she's all horny.
She got super horny.
She just saw me beat up some big-ass dude.
She gets all horny, and she's like,
"Where'd you get these muscles from?"
And she starts grabbing these weird muscles
that are gone now, but she was, like,
grabbing these weird muscles, and I realized, I was like,
"You haven't touched me in over two months."
So that night, I took her home.
I showed her what the Cuban Missile Crisis was all about.
I won her back.
And then I broke up with her.
[cheers and applause]
You guys have been great.
My name is Chris Garcia. Good night.
- Chris Garcia, everybody, Chris.
[dark electronic music]