(Nat sound Nose Breathing)
(music starts. Dragging fabric on carpet sound)
Hey let go of me!
Hey! Hey!
Hey, excuse me quasimodo!
Rawwwahhhh
(intense ominous piano playing)
(door slam)
(heavy breathing)
Where the hell am I?
'Haunters' theme jingle
(door slams open)
(nat. sound conversations)
Oha!
You made it
(gross breathing on glass)
Where am I?
Come on, look at you. You know what a bar is.
What?
What will you have?
(gross spitting in glass)
Who are you guys?
Oh! Real original question. Hit it boys!
(piano scales)
You're gonna love this!
A long, long time ago I was a mailman. Believe it or not.
ooh (boops da nose)
And I was always punctual. Never missed a shift. And, I'd always deliver the mail.
On time.
Especially junk mail. And, especially when they asked not to get it.
Jerk move.
That's why I wound up... here.
(sigh)
You do something bad in life
Often times you're punished. You steal and go to prison
Kill and you're banished.
Treasonous, and you get hanged. Duck your taxes and you're fined.
It's only with the smaller things that others pay no mind
So we are jerks. That's our work. Our unique
peculiar quirk!
What's that noise?
one of the boys
Guess who rang?
One of our gang.
We inconvenience, vex and irk. We're haunters and we haunt jerks!
(piano hit)
Meet Trog
A romantic, sensitive Neanderthal
He likes yoga and muddy stick water.
OH! And he's a vegan, ladies!
(Trog sighs)
One night, he smothered his tribe's fire so his favorite animals wouldn't be cooked.
Those cavemen
Starved to death
(choking death throes)
Jerk move!
(cocky chuckle)
We haunt jerks, that's our work. Our unique, peculiar quirk.
What's that there?
You're getting scared!
Who's that snoop? One of our troop.
We inconvenience. We vex and irk
We're haunters and we haunt jerks!
(piano hit)
M eet Anna
She's the bees' knees
And. OO, the cat's
Meoooow
I was slumming it as a dancer.
Chorus girl
I'd sneak a peek at other shows. Just out of professional curiosity
And then I'd heckle those dumb Doras from the crowd
Whoa
Jerk. Move!
Welcome to purgatory
We lack clean accommodations
The decor's so mundane.
Here's the secret. I'll tell you, Iggy. I've completely gone insane.
(nervous crazy laughter)
Everyone you see around you
is stuck here in their own hell.
You better hope you're good at haunting
or you won't escape this hotel!
I took up two spaces with my car.
I didn't scoop dog shit in zee park.
I double dipped my carrot stick.
I don't have curtains.
We haunt jerks. That's our work.
Our unique, peculiar quirk!
Need a hand?
not from our band
You got attacked?
One of our pack.
We inconvenience, vex and irk
We're haunters and we haunt jerks.
Jerks.
(heavy breathing)
Cool. I'm out. Peace.
Where are you going?
Uh, police station. Like, report all this stuff, then home.
Do you know a way out of here?
(ominous piano music)