- I WANT TO TALK ABOUT TEXTING TODAY.
I ASSUME YOU ALL TEXT.
HOW MANY--YOU ALL TEXT, RIGHT? PEOPLE TEXT?
[cheers and applause]
ONE PERSON?
WELL, I'LL EXPLAIN IT TO YOU.
IT'S A THING ON A PHONE.
UH, AND WHEN YOU TEXT,
THERE ARE THESE THINGS CALLED EMOJIS WHEN YOU TEXT.
YOU KNOW, THESE EMOJIS THINGS?
OKAY, EMOJIS, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY ARE?
NO. OKAY.
I'M GONNA HELP YOU THE ENTIRE TIME, MA'AM.
THEY'RE LITTLE ICONS, AND WHAT THEY ARE--
THEY'RE PICTURES OF DIFFERENT THINGS
TO SHOW YOU, LIKE, HOW YOU'RE FEELING.
INSTEAD OF JUST TYPING A SENTENCE,
YOU'D SAY, LIKE, "I'M AT 'THE ELLEN SHOW' RIGHT NOW.
SMILEY FACE."
SO THAT THEY KNOW, "OH, I'M HAPPY."
YOU KNOW, OR "I JUST WALKED INTO A TELEPHONE POLE
"WHILE I'M TEXTING.
SAD FACE," YOU KNOW?
PEOPLE HAVE TO SHOW EMOTION, 'CAUSE WE'RE TEXTING SO MUCH,
WE DON'T KNOW, "WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?"
SO--LIKE, BACK IN THE OLDEN DAYS,
LIKE IN 2005, YOU'D MAKE FACES
WITH, LIKE, A PARENTHESIS AND A COLON,
AND, YOU KNOW, IT TOOK FOREVER.
AND SO THEN THEY MADE THIS WHOLE MENU
WHERE THERE'S PICTURES
AND YOU CAN JUST CLICK ON AND YOU CAN JUST CHOOSE.
AND THIS IS ONE PAGE OF FACES JUST TO CHOOSE FROM RIGHT HERE.
THIS IS A RANGE OF EMOTION.
I CALL THIS THE MERYL STREEP PAGE.
[laughter]
THERE'S SO MUCH EMOTION HERE
THAT YOU CAN SHOW PEOPLE HOW YOU'RE FEELING.
THIS GUY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING RIGHT HERE.
THAT'S LIKE--DID HE TASTE SOMETHING BAD?
I DON'T KNOW HOW YOUR MOUTH EVEN DOES THAT.
YOU CAN TRY TO-- I'VE BEEN TRYING ALL DAY
TO MAKE MY MOUTH...
[laughter]
ANYWAY, THAT'S WHY THAT'S THERE:
'CAUSE WE CAN'T DO IT OURSELVES.
BUT IT'S NOT JUST FACES ANYMORE.
THERE'S ANOTHER PAGE OF JUST ANIMALS RIGHT HERE.
THERE'S A SNAKE, AND THERE'S CHICKENS
AND LADYBUGS AND TROPICAL FISH DOWN HERE.
AND WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
WHY WOULD YOU NEED A--
"SEE YOU IN 20 MINUTES, TROPICAL FISH."
LIKE...
WHY WOULD YOU NEED A TROPICAL--
THE WHOLE BOTTOM ROW IS BASICALLY
MY TATTOOS ON MY BACK.
[laughter]
I THINK AT LEAST THIS PAGE, IT'S--
THE LEAST USEFUL PAGE IS THIS ONE RIGHT HERE.
I MEAN, LETTERS AND MAILBOXES?
NO ONE EVEN USES MAIL ANYMORE.
AND LOOK AT THE GRAPHS RIGHT DOWN HERE,
LIKE WE USE MATH OR SOMETHING.
THAT'S CRAZY.
WE'RE TOO BUSY PLAYING "CANDY CRUSH."
AND IN THE MIDDLE OF ALL THE MAILBOXES,
THERE'S A FRENCH HORN FOR NO REASON.
[laughter]
WHAT'S THAT DOING THERE?
WHAT EMOTION IS THAT?
HOW CAN YOU FEEL HORN-- NEVER MIND. OKAY.
[laughter]
I GOT IT. I FIGURED IT OUT.
I JUST--
AND THEN THERE'S THIS PAGE RIGHT HERE,
AND THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE DANCING,
BUT LOOK AT THESE GIRLS UP HERE ON--
IT LOOKS LIKE THE TWINS FROM "THE SHINING."
[laughter]
ACTUALLY, I USE THAT ONE ALL THE TIME,
'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT PORTIA AND I WEAR
WHEN WE DANCE TOGETHER AT HOME.