>> Stephen: HEY!
WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MY NEXT GUEST IS A REGULAR AT
THE COMEDY CELLAR, WHO RECENTLY MADE A NOTABLE APPEARANCE ON
HBO'S "CRASHING."
♪ WE CAN'T SEE EYE TO EYE ♪ >> HEY, MAN, YOU BUMPED ME.
WHAT?
YEAH, YOU BUMPED ME, TOOK MY SPOT.
I'M SUPPOSED THE TO DO COLBERT TOMORROW NIGHT.
IF I HAVE A BAD TIME ON COLBERT TOMORROW NIGHT YOU'RE GOING TO
BE HALFWAY TO AN AS WHOOPING.
>> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME GREER BARNES!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> THANK YOU.
I GUESS I'LL GET RIGHT INTO IT.
I DON'T LIKE WALKING UP BEHIND WHITE WOMEN AT NIGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) MAKES ME REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE,
SO I CROSS THE STREET.
AND IN THE HOOD, YOU WALK WITH YOUR HEAD TOWN.
THAT'S HOW YOU DO IT.
AS SOON AS YOU GET IN THE HOUSE YOU'RE, LIKE, WHOO!
I MADE IT!
I GOT TO CALL MY MOM.
HI, MOMMY!
I MADE IT!
YEAH, LOVE YOU, TOO.
BYE-BYE.
SO A COUPLE OF NIGHT AGO, I'M WALKING HOME.
I'VE GOT BEATS GOING -- DON'T HAVE NO HEADPHONES, JUST BEATS
GOING -- AND I'M WALKING -- ( VOICING BEATS )
-- HUH-OH, WHITE WOMAN.
I BETTER CROSS THE STREET ( VOICING BEATS )
>> HUH-OH, ANOTHER WHITE WOMAN.
SO NOW I'M WALKING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET, WHICH MAKES IT
LOOK EVEN MORE CREEPY.
ALMOST LIKE, WHICH ONE OF THESE WOMEN?
( LAUGHTER ) THEN THERE'S THE CAB DRIVER --
( ( HONKING )
).
GET OUT OF THE STREET, BROTHER!
I'M, LIKE, THERE IS WHITE WOMEN ALL OVER THE PLACE.
( IN MIDDLE EASTERN ACCENT ) HOLY CRAP, GET IN!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND HE DRIVES ME TO SAFETY.
AND HE'S, LIKE, BROTHER, WHEN WALKING AT NIGHT, YOU HAVE TO BE
VERY CAREFUL.
THESE POLICEMEN AND WHITE WOMEN ARE VERY DANGEROUS, BROTHER.
YOU HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, DENZEL.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S NOT MY NAME.
( LAUGHTER ) I KNOW A LOT OF YOU WHITE WOMEN
ARE LOOKING AT ME, LIKE, OH, MY GOD, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU GUYS FELT
THAT WAY!
( LAUGHTER ) SO I'M SEEING WHITE WOMEN
TALKING TO BLACK GUYS ON THE STREET, LIKE, IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN
WALK BEHIND ME.
THIS IS AMERICA, YOU SHOULDN'T FEEL THAT WAY.
RARE!
I'M KIDDING.
WHY ARE YOU RUNNING?
( LAUGHTER ) IF I WAS A WHITE WOMAN, I WOULD
ROB BLACK DUDES.
( LAUGHTER ) I'D WALK UP TO THE BLACK GUY
AND, LIKE, HI, MY NAME IS RAZA, GIVE ME YOUR WALLET.
SARAH?
THAT'S MY GRAND-MOMMA'S NAME.
GIVE ME YOUR WALLET OR I'M GONNA SCREAM.
WAIT A MINUTE!
HERE, SARAH!
( LAUGHTER ) THERE'S A COUPLE WHITE WOMEN IN
HERE WHO ARE, LIKE, WE COULD ACTUALLY DO THAT.
I MEAN, I HATE TO SAY IT, BUT WHO'S GONNA BELIEVE HIM?
( LAUGHTER ) I'LL BE EXPLAINING IT TO AN
OFFICER -- YEAH, SHE WAS ABOUT THIS TALL, HAD BROWN HAIR, BROWN
EYES, I THINK SHE DID YOGA.
( LAUGHTER ) AND SHE RAN IN THAT DIRECTION.
AND YOU MEAN TO TELL ME A MAN OF YOUR STATURE COULDN'T CATCH HER.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE CHASING A WHITE -- NO, NO,
I COULDN'T CATCH HER.
( LAUGHTER ) IT WOULD BE AN EPIDEMIC OF WHITE
WOMEN ROBBING BLACK DUDES.
WHITE WOMEN WOULD BE WAITING OUTSIDE OF BLACK CLUBS, LIKE,
YOU HAVE TO COME OUT SOME TIME!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU.
♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: HIS FIRST COMEDY ALBUM, "SEE WHAT I'M SAYING" IS
NOW AVAILABLE ON ITUNES.
GREER BARNES, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.