- Mended Light.
- Wow.
- So you just think you're gay?
- Well, no, if I'm, no, I don't think I'm gay.
I know I'm.
Hi, Mended light.
- I already did it.
- That's true.
(upbeat music)
- So we got the comment from one of our viewers.
- Well, so this segment is called (tear) therapists say,
where we break down.
We're so on it.
We are on fire.
We're super in sync.
So we asked our viewers
what is the worst advice they have ever received
from a therapist?
And someone replied that a therapist told them
that they only thought that they were gay.
- You should stop thinking so much.
- Just feel.
So what would be the context of a therapist saying that.
I could think of a couple, one,
you have an old fashioned therapist
who doesn't believe homosexuality is real.
And just says, "it's all in your head."
The other could be on the opposite end of the spectrum.
Someone who is a gay gatekeeper and says,
no you're not gay.
You're not one of us.
I can't really speak authoritatively.
- On what the context was.
- On what the context was but.
- But how do you handle that?
Because I'm sure there are people who have experienced this,
not specifically from therapists,
but maybe from their community, maybe their family,
maybe friends they grew up with.
- Yeah, well, the one that I've heard all my whole life
is that being gay is a choice, right?
Oh, so he chose this lifestyle or he chose this or that.
And here's the thing.
We don't choose who we're attracted to.
We choose what we do with our lives.
We choose what relationships we pursue,
but the actual attraction is just there.
- Right.
- And I've heard from so many people,
especially who come from more conservative,
traditional backgrounds,
that they would never choose this because in their family
or in their church, it's a sin.
And it would be so much easier
to just do what everyone else is doing.
- Right.
- And that if it were a choice,
this is not the path that they would've chosen.
It is literally just, this is who I'm attracted to.
This is who I'm drawn to.
This is who I wanna spend the rest of my life with.
And it's not a great advice.
- So, what advice do you give
to counteract the terrible advice?
- If this person were in therapy with me?
- Yeah, and let's say it was their previous therapist
that said that.
What is the counter advice to you just think you were gay?
- The counter advice is I think therefore I am, right?
If I just think I'm gay.
Well, I also think I'm powerful
or I also think I am affectionate or smart or funny.
Okay, if you're saying
that this comes down to a self-belief okay.
What I would tell that person
in therapy is your identity,
when you look in the mirror,
when you ponder and contemplate who you are,
what is that, right?
Who is that?
Because being gay is not someone's identity.
It is a facet of who they are.
Because I don't identify myself as a straight man, period.
Yep, that's something
- I think that's how you introduce yourself.
- Yeah, hi, I'm Jonathan straight man,
'cause there's so much.
- Let me tell you about my relationship status next.
- Well, your sexuality is one facet of who you are.
- Right.
- There's so much more that makes you, you.
And some of it is chosen and some
of it is innate and then we choose what we nurture, right?
- But your sexuality doesn't define you anymore
just because you're gay versus your sexuality defining you
if you're not gay.
- Right, my sexuality is just my sexuality,
but what's my personality?
- Right.
- What are my strengths?
What are my weaknesses?
What are my gifts to the world?
What are my gifts to a relationship?
How do I contribute to a family?
How do I contribute to a company?
What do I enjoy that makes me me.
What am I passionate about that makes me.
And what I would say
to someone in my office whose therapist told them
you just think you're gay is I would say first and foremost,
that therapist doesn't know what the hell
they're talking about.
- And so we can have people in positions of authority,
if you will, that say ridiculous things
that aren't a fit and that might be their paradigm,
but we don't need to accept it as ours.
- Yeah, exactly.
And I don't wanna talk myself out of a job by saying
don't listen to your therapist.
But I would say that a therapist exists to help you
explore new avenues for thought,
to give you new skills, new tools,
to ask you questions that maybe you're not
asking yourself and a good therapist is never
gonna tell you what to do with your life or who you are.
They're going to help you to explore the space.
This really sounds to me
like a therapist imposing their values.
It sounds to me without knowledge of the context.
- Which is overstepping a boundary.
- Yes, which is overstepping a boundary.
I think it's important for a therapist to own their values
and own who they are so that a client transparently can say
yeah, I don't wanna work with you
or no, I still want to work with you.
But I have no business taking my worldview
and trying to make that into the person in front of me.
- Projecting your values,
your experiences onto the person.
- So there's that avenue of a therapist overstepping
their bounds, imposing their values,
or someone who doesn't believe
the experiences of other people
when they say I am attracted to people of my same gender
and I want to spend my life with someone with,
someone of my same gender.
There's also the aspect of,
I don't know who I am, maybe I'm gay, right?
And in that case, the answer is very simple.
Do you find yourself drawn sexually
or romantically to a person of your same sex?
Period.
Because being gay, speaking of not being a choice,
it's not something you just try on.
I'm gonna try on Star Wars versus Star Trek
or I'm gonna try on ballroom dancing versus doing the rodeo.
And some people might say, you absolutely can try it on,
and I'm not gonna dispute the point.
There are people who have dabbled to see
if this space is the space that they occupy versus not.
But what I will say is when you think
of being held in someone's arms, whose arms are you in?
That's probably my quickest measurement for that.
We're all in a search for identity.
I look at Eric Ericsson and his wife, Joan.
He was a psychiatrist.
She was an educator.
And they talked about the stages of development,
of human development across the lifetime.
And that at around adolescence,
you have this stage called identity versus role confusion.
And then the next step is intimacy versus isolation.
And in identity versus role confusion,
you are trying to figure out who you are,
what your values are,
where you fit and what philosophies you hold to,
what groups you connect with, what worldviews are your own.
And it is natural during this period
to try different things on.
And I don't know if it's insensitive.
It might be.
I don't know if it's insensitive
to compare this to when I was in middle school.
I hung out with the skaters
for a while and I'm like, that's not a fit.
I can't skateboard.
And that's not my fashion sense anyway.
And I hung out with the jocks for a while
and I'm like, oh, I'm not especially athletic.
And I hung out with different groups
trying to figure out where I fit in.
But what I would say is being gay
isn't a social group, right?
Yes, there is an LGBTQ community that forms
of people who have similar attractions
or similar experiences with gender,
but you don't choose to be gay,
because you like the social group, you know?
You might choose to hang out
with those people because you enjoy them.
And if you don't experience that type of attraction
or that experience with gender,
then you are an ally.
But being gay, isn't I'm a Democrat, I'm a Republican,
I'm a Baptist, I'm a Jew.
Being gay is sexuality.
It's not something you ask for
or something you choose.
You choose what to do with it.
But the attraction itself is just there.
What would you say
to a person who maybe they have a family member
and that family believes
that homosexuality is sinful, for example?
And they really just want you to think
that you're gay because then maybe you can unthink it.
And just maintain the status quo.
What would you say to someone like that?
- So how do you carry
on a relationship with completely different perspectives
around the homosexual community?
Well, first and foremost
there has to be a safe environment to be who you really are.
And there can be a difference of opinion
on whether is this something you're choosing
or whether this is something that is just is,
so on and so forth.
As long as there's mutual respect for each other, right?
If there is not that mutual respect,
then I'm going to question
whether or not that's a safe space
and then your boundaries need to reflect
how much safety is there.
If there's passive aggressive remarks
and things of that nature.
Once again, that's your decision
on whether or not you wanna tolerate that?
- Am I, and my partner or spouse made to feel welcome
or unwelcome is something that comes to mind.
oO something that I often say for my own experience.
Then I would say, tell your therapist this
or your friends or family this.
Please don't judge an experience you haven't had, right?
It is true that there are people who come
from more traditional faith backgrounds
who are trying to navigate those two things,
those two aspects of themselves.
- And for them, it's a moral decision.
And for other people, it may not be.
- But one thing that has been universally true all
across the field of psychology
and family therapy is to believe
that this is a choice,
to believe that you can just shut it off,
does so much harm and damage.
There are people who say, okay,
I'm going to choose a path of religious celibacy.
And there are a stray people who choose a path
of religious celibacy.
And for those people that may be a healthy choice.
This is what I value.
I'm embracing my sexuality is real.
I'm still choosing to walk this path and that is my choice.
And I'm not going to impose it
on other gay people or other religious people.
But this is the path that I'm walking.
- Well, and it wasn't imposed on them.
It all comes down to.
- Yes.
- Autonomy and choice.
- Because if they walk the path of religious celibacy
'cause it's imposed on them because they're,
because of fear of hell fire and condemnation
or because of fear of being ostracized
by their faith community or by their family,
it's not a choice.
It's something that's done out of fear
or intimidation right?
Similarly, if I choose and I say, once again,
you don't choose your sexuality,
but I may choose to leave my faith.
And I may choose to say,
I'm gonna marry somebody and just like a straight couple,
we're gonna seek happiness in this relationship.
- Yeah.
- That's also a choice.
And I would say everything comes down to choice.
I can't speak to this from experience,
but I can speak from what my friends have told me
who've walked this path.
Is if you are somebody who is both gay
and you come from a traditional faith community,
for example, is that you'll have people
from both sides shouting in your ear what you should do
and what the right thing to do is.
And the fact is you are an autonomous being.
What's the right thing for you to do
is what brings you happiness.
And there will always be people,
and we can blow this up even bigger.
No matter who you are,
no matter what your sexuality is,
no matter what your choices are,
there will be people who say nay.
- Yeah.
- You will have naysayers who will tell you
that that is the wrong choice,
because that choice doesn't align with their worldview,
but this is your life.
This is your path to walk.
But I will say, if you are attracted
to somebody of your sex, you don't think you're gay.
You're gay.
What you do with that sexuality is up to you,
but trying to talk yourself out of it,
trying to pray the gay away,
trying to make it just not be there.
I've yet to meet the person that was a healthy
balanced thing to do
that led to a good outcome for them.
- Right.
- Because it's a rejection of part of of yourself.
- Correct.
- Yeah, it's saying part of me is unworthy.
Part of me is unlovable.
Part of me--
- Is unacceptable.
- Is unacceptable as opposed to what real love is,
which is I accept all of me.
I choose what to do with all of me.
I choose how to act.
But the fact that this is part
of me is something that needs to be loved
and embraced and accepted.
So we want to hear from you,
especially those of you who have walked this path,
because obviously this is us looking at the situation,
applying whatever learning wisdom experience we have.
But this is not our path.
This is not the path that either of us have walked in.
We have so much to learn from you.
So let us know in the comments below
if you've been told that you just think
that you're gay or that you chose this or that you.
- Or how you've handled the challenges.
- Yeah, or how you handled those challenges and go ahead.
I thought you were intaking a breath.
And for some people there is no challenge.
They say to their parents,
I'm gay and their parents say great.
Or they say I'm gay and their community says, okay.
But we want to hear from you what your experience has been
because we wanna learn from you.
So let us know in the comments below.
- If you've enjoyed this video, check out this other video.
You're giving off the wrong signals, they said.
That sounds like a good one.
- Why would they, I want to watch that
to know what it's about.
You're not giving off the wrong signals.
- What signals are you giving off?
- Wouldn't you like to know?
I think you know.
Until next time, keep shining.
We need your light.
(upbeat music)
- [Jonathan] And there's the video we told you about.
You can clicky, watchy, watchy.