Hi.
If you've never seen one of my videos before, you're probably really confused right now!
To be fair, if you have seen one of my videos, you're probably equally confused...
I am normally very pro-"loving your body"
-or at least not hating your body.
I was born with multiple disabilities that should make me dislike my body.
By the time I was 21, I weighed six stone and people told me I should definitely hate my body.
Because obviously being too thin is the worst thing in the world, right(?)
But no, I'm pretty sure that I was dying was more important,
but sure, go ahead, keep focusing on my weight!
Goodness, if I had a pound for every time someone just ignored my medical needs
because they were distracted by my face, fashion, or weight...
Riches!
But that's kind of what this video is about.
Without the money.
Sadly.
In this video, I'm gonna get all mushy and honest and open and tell you about the thing I hate about my face.
Yeah...
I would also like to thank the sponsor of today's video, Lost Island,
a fun new mobile game I've become obsessed with
because I have a condition that means I have to lie on the floor a lot and can't do much except for play games on my phone.
It's a blast puzzle game aimed at adults with literally hundreds of levels.
Believe me, I've been playing for a while and they're still going
but unlike the more generic lining things up games Lost Island actually has the story
In the game, you are the new owner of a beautiful island and it's your job to turn it into a paradise.
You can renovate, decorate and transform it into the home of your dreams
plus there are ancient artefacts to discover along with gold and treasure
AND you're aided by your pet seal and
And Ellie, the adventurous archaeologist, who is a redhead
So....
[cheer]
But this is no ordinary island and as you renovate it weird things begin to happen
dun dun dun!
What could it all mean?
Da da da!
Well, obviously you have to play the game to find out. I'm not going to give it all away
I've been playing this game for a few days and something I really like is that there are two ways to play
You can play through the story, which is very calming, you can follow the narrative...
or you can just play really quickly through a number of puzzles by touching the play button in the lower right hand corner
and save the stars to use in the story later
each level increases the difficulty
but they don't necessarily become so difficult you want to give up...
so that's a win for me and
Also, you can always play on by using all those extra coins you're going to get by clicking my link in the description!
It's really fun to play and I am excited to continue updating my Island
You can download Lost Island right now for free by using the link in the description down below
You'll be supporting my channel and get 7 lives and 700 coins
Which let's be honest is actually something I could really do with right now
because I had spent my coins making my island fancy
As you get up to those hard levels, the extra lives will also really come in handy
Ya back today's video
so... hmm....
Yes, I mentioned the thing that I
Disliked about my face and...
and to explain I'm gonna have to take you back in time a little bit
So I started getting migraines when I was in my early teens
I think they just started as headaches really...
just a kind of generalised aching pain...
at the same time I was developing scoliosis or curvature of the spine.
So my doctor just sort of thought that these two things were probably related
and the scoliosis was causing the headaches.
It was just a constant pain though and it...
it became my normal
Sometimes it was worse and sometimes
some blissful times it felt as if the clouds had cleared my blue sky and
suddenly I could see without the haze across my vision
think clearly without dragging my thoughts from black sludge of my brain
and it would hit me that this was normal
this was what other people's brains felt like
but then the pain would seep in again steeping up from my shoulders or stabbing its way into my burning eye sockets.
By the time I was 14 or 15, I was getting full-on migraines, visual disturbances and everything.
if you've ever wondered what a migraine aura looks like
This is as close as I can get on final cut
Weird no,
I thought this was normal
or just because I have tiny eyes in a throwback to very strong Central Asian genetic ancestry.
NO.
Apparently that's an aura migraine
Who knew
but then as I explained in my 'becoming visually impaired' video,
I had the worst migraine of my life
Kind of had a stroke and lost the vision in one eye and the feeling in the left side of my face
I would here insert a picture but I was too busy trying not to die
My parents thought it was a bit morbid to take one
so
just know that the left side of my face was floppy and it had no feeling
I couldn't talk out that side of my face or smile or feel when someone stuck a pin in it
Which doctors love to do
repeatedly
it's a thing
Once the whole drama was over and I was stable and not going to die
I still couldn't move this bit of my face
and it just didn't look like my face
and it freaked me the hell out
Okay...
There's a very special part of your brain- it's in the temporal lobe
that is partly responsible for our ability to recognize faces
From the earliest age babies are able to recognize faces and even mimic them from just two days old
Obviously, they don't understand the emotions of each look
but they understand that it's a face.
In the same way that we're programmed to see human faces in everything,
from some coffee you spilt on the table to an old rock with what looks like a nose
In the same way we were designed to see that,
we also have really set ideas in our heads of what we look like
and what the people around us look like
My dad had a moustache until I was 3
a really thick bushy black moustache
and then he decided to shave it off
He took me into the bathroom with him when he did it
So I would still know it was him even though he suddenly had lips
I watched him shave off his mustache and I still freaked out
because my brain had a set image of what he looked like
And a hairless lip just wasn't him
well
It was but it wasn't
but it almost was
to such a slight degree of wrong that it completely disturbed me
and I chopped all the hair off my favourite doll with rusty old scissors
because I just couldn't cope
and that's what it felt like looking at my face in the mirror
It wasn't me
It was me, but it wasn't me
and over the next few days my face slowly began to move again
but it was always a little off.
I would smile and the right side would go first,
and the left would follow after.
Moving the left side of my face took effort at first I had to actually think about moving my face.
As time passed, my left side moved more but there are some things I just can't make it do
Yeah... no matter how hard I think about it there are just muscles on this side that I can't move
Trust me. I have tried.
I've put those hours in in front of the mirror!
The feeling never came back either and neither did the sight in my left eye
even to this day I can prick the side of my face and it doesn't...
Feel like anything. I don't--
it's like wearing...
I don't know--a mask,
a really thick mask.
It's really thick
and that was ten years ago
And I still can't feel this half of my face.
You probably can't even see anything wrong with it!
To you, my face probably looks entirely equal and symmetrical.
But to me...
Maybe it's because I look in the mirror and I can only see my face from my right eye?
Try to look in the mirror with your own face with one eye closed
You can see your face straight on
and you can see the side with the working eye,
but the other side...
well, leave it long enough and it will start to freak you out,
like really freak you out!
when I see photographs of the left side of my face. It just doesn't look like me.
I know it's me
I don't have any face blindness or anything.
It just doesn't look right.
There's a thing called the uncanny valley and it relates to humanoid robots
And... CGI really,
but I am actually going someone with this
So in aesthetics, the uncanny valley is part of a graph that shows human emotional response
I.E. likeability--
related to the degree of humaneness of the object.
Something that looks only vaguely human, cute teddy with big eyes and a smile
elicits good feelings
But once the degree to which the humanoid object appears almost but not entirely like a human increases...
Well then we fall into the valley
where these faces elicit 'uncanny'
-meaning the psychological experience of something being strangely familiar, but not quite right
feelings of eeriness, or a slight revulsion
-don't worry, I'm not actually revolted by the left side of my face
It just isn't right
[ding]
Because it isn't the right side of my face
You're welcome.
Maybe I'm just not used to seeing it
Maybe it's because the muscles don't work the way the ones on the right do
and only I can tell because it's my face
And I'm so used to it.
Whatever it is, that's how I feel... about MY face.
Do I still love myself?
Yes.
Do I still love my weird little face?
Yes.
Am I objectively aware that no one else probably finds my face weird?
Yes 100%
But they're my feelings...
and if there's one thing you should take away from watching my channel.
It's that whatever your feelings are
They are entirely valid because they are yours
No one should tell you how you should feel
Or think about your own body
or even anything else
if you want to change the way you feel about something?
Then go on and do so
find those resources, practice kindness,
especially towards yourself
But it's also okay to not love yourself all the time!
It's a journey, right?
No one expects you to get from zero to "every atom of my body is perfect" in a day
-or even a lifetime!
It's especially more complex when you have a disability and you can sometimes feel like your body has let you down
Just know that you're never alone on that journey, and I am here feeling all of those funny feelings with you
Thank you for watching
don't forget to subscribe if you haven't already
and download the lost island app using the link in the description for seven extra lives and 700 coins.
Ah Lord, do I wish I could download seven extra non-migraine lives,
that would be splendid
[kiss]
Bye bye.