(upbeat music) - "Do you have low self esteem
"or is that slump just scoliosis?"
(audience laughs) - "I got hang over.
"Leave me alone, now, leave me alone!"
- That's okay.
Order these electric shock pads and stick them to your abs.
(audience laughs) - "Super confident with myself
"and that choice. I'm just gonna go." No!
(audience cheering) (upbeat music)
- Some people say that confidence is sexy,
but I find confidence repugnant.
(audience laughs)
I don't know why.
I just like, I've always been one of those people
who's attracted to people who walk down the street
like this, you know. (audience laughs)
Like they're cold even if it's a hot day.
(audience laughing) But for them, it is cold,
because the cold come from within constantly, you know?
(audience laughing)
But like, I just think if I was a construction worker,
like those are the people I would catcall, you know?
Like, it'd be like, "Hey, baby, do you have low self esteem,
"or is that slump just scoliosis?"
(audience laughs)
(audience applause) Psst, psst, psst, psst.
Psst, psst, psst. (audience laughs)
What else?
So, my best friend in life has never had an orgasm.
And I seriously mean like, my best friend.
Not me my best friend. Like another person, my best friend.
(audience laughs)
And I finally decided I was gonna solve this problem for her
by buying her a vibrator,
'cause wouldn't that solve the problem?
So for her birthday, I went out, got one, wrapped it up,
gave it to her, and I was like, "Here you go, enjoy!
"Wink, wink. Call you in a few days!"
(audience laughs)
So, I let a week go by and then I called her up,
and I'm like, "Hey, Lisa, how's it going?"
Obviously Lisa's not her real name.
It's Lisa Katz.
(audience laughs)
And she goes, "It didn't work."
And I was like, "What do you mean it didn't work?
"It was very expensive vibrator. I'll return it."
She's like, "No, no, no, no, no."
She's like, "It functioned fine, but didn't work for me.
"It didn't solve my problem."
And at that moment I realized that
because I was the one who had bought her the vibrator,
I kind of felt like I was the guy
who hadn't screwed her the right way.
(audience laughs) 'Cause I found myself
saying all the things that guys say in that situation.
I was just like, "This has never happened to me before.
(audience laughs) (audience applause)
"Maybe it's just the first time?
"Give it another chance.
"I've given this, (audience laughing)
"I've given this to a lot of people,
"no one's ever complained." (audience laughs)
And then, she was like, "Hey, don't worry about it.
"This happens to everyone.
"I like you for you. It's not a big deal."
(audience laughs)
And that's when I hung up and never called her again,
(audience laughs)
because I don't need that frigid bitch in my life.
(audience laughs) (audience applause)
And white people are happy early in the morning.
They be, "Good morning! Good morning!
"How are you? Good morning!
(audience laughs) "Good morning! Good morning!
"Hi, Dave, how are you?"
(audience laughs) Black people are not happy
early in the morning.
You catch a Black person, "Good morning!"
"Yeah, go on. (audience laughs)
"I got a hang over, leave me along, now, leave me alone!"
(audience laughs) (audience applause)
But I like white people, 'cause they let you know
when stuff gonna happen.
(audience laughs) Like if somebody
gonna hit me in the head with a stick right now,
white person jump up, "Hey, watch yourself.
"He's gonna hit you with that stick right there."
(audience laughs) I could turn around
and catch him.
Black people don't talk about nothing.
They don't let you know nothing.
They'll talk among each other,
but they won't say nothing to you.
Black people sit right there,
"Look, he finna hit with a stick. He finna hit him.
(audience laughs) (audience applause)
"Bam! See, I told you!
(audience laughs) (audience applause)
"I told you he gon' hit him in the head.
"Didn't I tell you?"
(audience applause) (audience laughs)
But white people always use, "For the love of God,"
when something happen. You ever notice that?
"For the love of God!" (audience laughs)
Black people use, "Jesus!" (audience laughs)
'Cause there's power in the name Jesus, am I right?
(audience cheers)
You can leave here tonight, your car starts sliding.
Black person (imitates screeching brakes),
say, "Jesus!" Car straighten up.
(audience laughs)
White people leave here tonight,
car starts sliding, (imitates brakes screeching)
"For the love of..." Boom!
(audience laughs)
Knock the wall down.
So start using Jesus. It'll work for you.
(audience laughs)
'Cause white people take chances, I don't know why.
White people don't catch on to nothing.
(audience laughs) They can go home
like garage door open, the kitchen door is wide open.
(audience laughs)
They sitting in the car trying to guess,
"I wonder who left that door open."
(audience laughs)
The brother enjoying the house leaving the back door,
he just looking (laughs).
They walk in the house, "I left it open."
"Lay down!"
"For the love of God!" (audience laughs)
The brother be like, "Shut up and say Jesus."
(audience laughs)
- I like late night infomercials for really poor products
that are an advancement and a product
that already solved the problem that it was made for,
but now, we can be a little more lazy.
What did I just say? I have no idea.
(audience laughs)
I turn on the TV late at night, and they're like,
"Hey, housewives, are you tired of flashlights?
"(chuckles) Traditional primitive flashlights,
"they never work.
"They're so hard to use and so hard to store
"when you aren't using them.
"Ah, look at all these flashlights falling on me!
(audience laughs)
"Flashlight batteries cost thousands of dollars a day."
What? (audience laughs)
And then they prove it with the reenactment video.
It's like black and white, some lady in sweat pants,
her hair's all frumpy,
and she's struggling with a flashlight out of the closet.
(audience laughing) (Chris grumbling)
"Ah, why?" And she falls down a flight of stairs.
"My neck!" (imitates comic horn)
(audience laughs) (audience applause)
I can't. This is uh,
you know?
"I'm a single mother with three kids.
"I don't have time for a handheld light source."
(Chris chuckles) (audience laughs)
That's okay, 'cause now there's easy adhesive
$0.99 cent for a dozen tap-it lamps
that you can adhere to the wall
right next to your Craftmatic adjustable bed,
so you don't have to get out of it all the damn time.
Just lay there and order more stuff
in the fetal position crying.
(audience laughs)
"I wanna exercise, but you gotta move
"your damn body so much!"
That's okay, order these electric shock pads
and stick them to your abs for that washboard ass, abs.
(audience laughs) Washboard ass abs.
(audience cheering)
Washboard ass.
Stick 'em on your face, get a washboard face.
Washboard your whole body.
Throw in a jug band with a frog and an otter.
I don't know what I'm (laughs)...
(audience laughs) C'mon, and get (trills)...
(audience laughs)
Hey, I'm here at the office.
I'm silently working out.
No one knows I'm defining my jaw line right now.
(Chris groaning) (audience laughs)
(chuckles) Boss is happy, productivity is up.
Thanks, hot coffee.
I don't know why every (groaning)...
(audience laughs)
I may just grab this toaster and jump in the bathtub.
(groaning) Oh, thank you, Ab Shocker.
You can see all my muscles,
'cause my skin is melted.
But it's healthy, it's a health thing.
(audience laughs)
Men are hunters. Women are gatherers.
These are your societal roles as dictated by nature.
Men are hunters. Women are gatherers,
except for when it comes to shopping.
(audience laughs) (women cheer)
And then women are hunters.
But we are the only creatures
that will rationalize a kill after we make it.
(audience laughs)
A lion runs down a turkey, eats it,
doesn't think twice about it.
Although why a lion and a turkey are on the same terrain,
I don't know.
This is another matter. (audience laughs)
No woman's ever just swiped a credit card
and been like (whoosh), "Super confident with myself
"and that choice. I'm just gonna go." No (laughs)!
(audience laughs) There...
(audience laughing) (audience cheering)
(laughs) Ladies!
There is a full on debate between that girl
and whatever poor soul she dragged with her that day
to the mall.
It's like (whoosh), "Was that a good idea?
"Those shoes are super cute. Do you like them?
"I really like them. Are you sure you like them?
"They're really cute. Are you sure?"
"Just get the (beep) shoes!
"We've been here for five (beep) hours!
"I wanna go home to my family!"
(audience laughing) (audience cheering)
Guys don't do that.
It's not like, "I went bear huntin' last week.
"I'll killed a bear. (audience member laughs)
"But I don't know how I feel about it."
(audience laughs)
His friend doesn't swoop in like,
"You know why it's good you went?
"You got to spend some time outdoors.
(audience laughs)
"You got to hang out with your dad.
(audience laughs)
"Now you have a bear."
(audience laughs)
(record scratch) (digital music)