Footballers Play Squid Game To Win The Ballon d’Or!
BICKY-LICKY
Welcome to your second game!
What? Biscuits and Needlework? You do know we’re not old ladies right?
And why does mine say 1-7?
And why does mine have a giant cock on it?
- It’s Ronaldo... - Wankor!
There’s no way I’m licking this
Enough! All those who want to quit this nonsense, raise your hand...
Do I get to keep the biscuit?
You are an embarrassment to that #7 shirt! No you do not!
Then I’m staying.
Tough titty tubby, we have a majority!
- Game over! - Let’s go...
Wait! Er, well done! You have passed this round!
Wow, that was easier than winning the North London Derby!
Please proceed to game 3!
PULLING EACH OTHER OFF
And no having sex in the toilets...
Welcome to your 3rd game. Well done for choosing your partners.
- Thanks for nothing babe! - Stop calling me babe!
He ditched me too Neymar! Leo, you said we’d stick together until the end, babe!
Call him babe one more time and I’ll rip your cocks of!
- Thanks Cristiano... - No problem!
We Ballon d’Or buddies stick together!
Lionel, we bathroom buddies should have stuck together!
Oh no you didn’t?!
This game is Tug of War Make your opponents fall and you win...
Hold your horses, turtlehead! Aubameyang doesn’t have a partner
He’s has the same problem at Arsenal...
Well, I guess hat means I get a free pass to the next round!
- I guess not… - Aubameyang Eliminated
That’s for saying it was easy to win the North London Derby!
- I will draw for the first team... - Uh, why’s it always about you, Mike?
Shut up dickhead...
- Neymar and Mbappe will play... - ...Hazard and Benzema!
Ready...
- You had better pull Kylian! - Why wouldn’t I pull?
To suck up to the Real Madrid retards over there…
- Are you trying to eat a biscuit? - No...
How dare you! I’m a team player! And besides… I have a plan...
Pull!
- Injured again - Hazard eliminated - Yes!
So how did you escape those handcuffs Karim?
I’ve taught myself how to pick locks since this Valbuena story came out...
There’s no way this little pert ass is doing jail time.
- It’s... Vardy and Salah. They’ll play... - Son and Kane
- Yes! - You bottle jobs never win anything! Pricks!
Let’s go!
- Ready... - Ready!
Now!
- Sam Allardyce?! - Heave!
No... No... No!
Shithouses!
- Yes! - Vardy and Salah eliminated!
We did it!
- Saved from the drop by Sam Allardyce! - Just like Spurs will be in May
- Abraham and Antonio will play... - ...Muller and Lewandowski
- Who are they? - No idea. They’re even less well-known than the cast of Squid Game.
Listen closely to some advice from the Special One...
The frontman is very important… that’s why I spunked £34m on you.
Money we can’t afford to lose if you die...
The backman is like the anchor of a ship. Hopefully one that doesn’t sink...
...like my ships in Manchester and North London
Put both feet parallel. Like, who knew right?
Ready...
And when the game starts ...sit back and hold out for the first 90 minutes!
90 minutes?!
30 SECONDS LATER...
Antonio and Abraham eliminated...
Ja!
Putas! Those tactics never failed me... Pre 2016
- Lukaku and Sane will play... - ...Giroud & Zlatan
- Voodoo and hair-do? Piece of piss! - Race you to the top!
Come on Leroy, prove to everyone that you’re not a flop like Timo!
Zlatan thinks the chains were supposed to be fastened to your cuffs, Olivier. Not your nipples.
Ready...
Keep going! Keep going! They don’t stand a chance!
- Ah, my ankle! - Who the hell did that?
- Don’t look at me! - It was me, Romelu!
- Timo! - I was aiming for his head, but never mind.
- But why? - That’s for dropping me last week!
And this is for calling me a flop!
- Lukaku and Sane, eliminated... - Yes!
Timo! You son of a b****!
- And the final game, Suarez and Felix will play... - ...Who put this in there?
- An enormous penis. I think it’s symbolism. Let’s go Cristiano… - Dick
- Messi and Ronaldo! - Told you
Oh no, we’re in trouble here…
Neymar’s bathroom buddy knows all about pulling off footballers!
Nothing happened!
Apart from us climbing through a ventilation shaft looking for an escape and nearly getting caught!
- Shut up! - Ready…
- Ready? - Ready!
Siiuuu!
- Hold on Luis! - Don’t worry Joao! I have jaws of steel!
- Pull everyone! - Pull!
Uhoh... Argh! The dark a-
Suarez and Felix eliminated...
- SII! - The thighs of a god!
I’m glad you won Lionel, I want to kill you myself!
This is the Front Man. Congratulations on passing game 3.
Go back to your beds and wait for Game 4.
And remember, there are cameras in the bathroom.
Ohh, fu-
Yes? What do you mean we have an intruder..