We got some bad news for you- someone, somewhere, wants you dead... really, really dead.
Perhaps you accidentally crossed some high-powered crime boss, or maybe you just have the bad
luck of looking like someone a high-powered crime boss wants six feet under.
Either way, there's a considerable price on your life, and if that wasn't bad enough we've
got more bad news: the legendary mercenary Deadpool is coming to collect it.
Hello and welcome to another episode of You Versus- today we're pitting you up against
the sometimes annoying, often wise-cracking, deadly mercenary assassin, Deadpool.
A lifelong mercenary, Deadpool, also known as Wade Wilson, globe trotted around the world
for years hiring himself out to the highest bidder as a bodyguard, assassin, or just plain
old mercenary.
Yet when he discovered that he had terminal cancer he broke up with his then-girlfriend
to spare her the pain of being with a terminally ill man and basically quit on life.
That is at least until he had a second chance offered to him via the Weapon X program, and
after being exposed to Wolverine's blood in an attempt to cure his cancer, Wade discovered
himself with an astonishing healing factor, supernatural speed, strength, and agility,
and unfortunately- a horribly disfigured face.
Adopting the persona of Deadpool, Wade went back to his mercenary ways, hiring himself
out for both heroes and villains alike.
Now, he's been hired to come after you, so how are you going to defeat the wise-cracking
superhuman mercenary?
As always, first you have to understand your enemy and what you might be up against.
The first and most obvious power Deadpool brings to the fight is his legendary healing
factor, which is more powerful than even that of Wolverine.
Able to regrow missing limbs and even survive catastrophic injuries such as being stabbed
or shot in the head, Deadpool can lose his head- literally- and as long as it is promptly
reattached, continue to live.
His healing factor though is directly linked to his highly aggressive strain of cancer,
something that will come into play later as we prepare you to defeat him.
Deadpool's healing factor keeps his brain cells in a state of constant flux, which makes
telepathic contact with him very difficult to achieve and maintain.
This gives him a large degree of protection from telepathic attacks, and makes reading
his mind all but impossible.
Along with his telepathic immunities, Deadpool also has superhuman stamina afforded to him
by his healing factor, and can in effect run at top speed indefinitely, his body neutralizing
the acids created by his muscles exerting themselves almost instantly.
All Deadpool needs to run forever is a constant intake of food to keep his caloric intake
up.
Deadpool is also very strong, but not superhumanly strong- his strength is estimated to be as
that of an olympic level weightlifter, despite weighing at least a hundred pounds less than
one.
While he may not be superhumanly strong, he is superhumanly agile and fast, with extraordinary
reflexes that far outstrip those of a regular human.
He may not be able to duck out of the way of a high velocity bullet, but forget about
trying to win a punching match with Deadpool, because to him you'll seem like you're stuck
in a vat of molasses, moving at impossibly slow speeds.
On top of his enhanced or superhuman abilities though, Deadpool is also a master martial
artist and champion hand-to-hand combatant.
Remember what we just said about not getting into a punching match with him?
Yeah, that would be a terrible idea given the fact that he's a master of several martial
arts and will likely kill you with your own punches- while making a terrible joke about
hitting yourself.
So how are you going to take Deadpool down, seeing as he's superhumanly fast, and can
probably kill you with your own pinkie?
First, you're going to have to use your brain.
Deadpool's healing abilities keep his brain in a constant flux, and while that makes him
difficult to affect telepathically, it also makes Deadpool extremely emotionally unstable.
Not only is he very emotionally unstable, but he has some serious psychological buttons
that you can push to make him fly off the handle, or maybe just break down crying.
For one, there's the fact that Deadpool is completely aware of the fact that he is a
fictional character that lives in comics and movies- because of his severely affected mental
state, Deadpool is one of the few characters that has realized what the true nature of
his reality is.
So go ahead and remind him of the fact that he is just a fictional character, while you
yourself are a living, breathing person that is free to make their own decisions, while
all of Deadpool's choices are nothing more than the whims of a writer.
Deadpool's probably come to terms with that fact by now, but luckily he's got two more
sore spots you can slam him on to push him into an existential crisis.
First, remind him of his dead father, and how there was nothing he could have done to
save him- even if he could have done anything though, the writer that controls his fate
would've prevented him.
Then remind him of his last girlfriend, and the fact that the love he feels for her is
fake, while the love you can experience in your own life is real and comes from free
will.
That should push Deadpool over the edge and into a full-blown existential crisis, and
if it doesn't then feel free to remind him that he has no real friends either, because
every other hero thinks he's annoying.
Remember, Deadpool may be a swaggering bad ass with superhuman abilities, but he also
has the psychology of a child.
So now that you've turned Deadpool into a sobbing mess, what's next?
Well, given Deadpool's unpredictability, you're going to have to act fast, because his little
mental breakdown isn't going to last long.
Deadpool is famously highly resistant to foreign chemicals, but not completely immune given
as he is able to get drunk, even if he has to drink enough alcohol to kill a small whale.
While Deadpool is busy coping with his dawning existential crisis, you're going to act and
act fast by injecting him with 10 milligrams of Carfentanil.
The most powerful commercial opioid in the world, a dose that's just the fraction of
the weight of a paper clip could kill 500 humans, and it takes 10 milligrams to sedate
or outright kill an African bull elephant.
That's going to be powerful enough to give Deadpool a very sudden and very deep nap-
but with his powerful healing factor you're going to have to act very fast because there's
just not much time before his body breaks down the toxin and he recovers.
You're going to have to transport Deadpool to get to your next destination, and there's
only going to be one way to do that successfully- you're going to have to take off his head.
Don't worry, it comes off from time to time, so it's really nothing new.
Deadpool's genetics have been so severely affected by the Weapon X experiments that
it's believed his DNA itself maintains a sort of 'personality log' that is constantly being
updated.
This means that Deadpool in essence can regenerate from any part of his body if the rest is lost,
similar to some species of flatworms.
While two Deadpools won't be formed, one part of his body can begin to grow the missing
parts, so given enough time Deadpool's head will literally regrow its body back, or vice-versa.
So you gotta find a way to destroy both at the same time- yet how do you destroy a body
that heals almost instantly?
First you have to slow down that healing factor by a considerable amount, at least long enough
to prevent Deadpool's regeneration from outpacing the damage being done to his body.
At a temperature of -320 degrees Fahrenheit (-196 Celsius) liquid nitrogen is the go-to
cryo coolant for the freezing of dead bodies by people who hope that science can resurrect
them in the future.
For us though, we're not going to use the liquid in an attempt to cheat death, but rather
to try and bring death.
By freezing Deadpool's body and head you'll slow down molecular activity to an absolute
crawl, severely slowing down Deadpool's regenerative abilities.
Next, and we've talked about this chemical before because it's one of our favorites,
you're going to introduce Deadpool's frozen remains to fluoroantimonic acid.
This acid is so powerful that it's 20 quintillion times more powerful than sulfuric acid, and
will dissolve nearly all organic matter into a molecule-rich goo.
Even though the act of breaking molecular bonds releases a great deal of heat, which
will unfreeze Deadpool and free up his healing factor, by the time his healing factor kicks
in at full force it'll be far too late, and all that will be left of Deadpool is a pool
of dead molecules- see what we did there?
Deadpool is a formidable opponent that's a master of all matter of blades and hand-to-hand
fighting techniques, but luckily for you he also has the psychology of an eight year old.
Proving that mind really does trump matter, and that fluoroantimonic acid trumps almost
all matter by dissolving it, it's sad to say but Deadpool may just be one of the easiest
opponents we've ever pitted you up against!
How would you defeat Deadpool?
Would psychology tricks really work against the master mercenary?
Let us know in the comments, and while you're at it check out another epic matchup in You
vs Leatherface and don't forget to Like, Share, and Subscribe for more great content!