Hi, I'm Nicholeen Peck, I teach parenting
all around the world through the lens of self government. And in this video,
I'm going to be talking about 18 things that great parents do differently.
In this video, I'm going to share with you a little bit about the parenting differences in
my life and then we're just going to get into these 18 things that you're going to want to do
so that you can have a great experience with your parenting too. When I teach
people about parenting, I think they naturally assumed that I had perfect parents and even
though I love my parents, and that they were incredible parents, in so many ways,
made sure that I understood principle with which led me to really finding self government
and loving that principle in my parenting. They weren't perfect. In fact, there were things that
they did that I actually had to overcome. In my own parenting. There was a time where I was
a little too vocal. There was a time when I even spanked my own child, my first child, I remember
spanking him when he was like three years old one time, and I felt so much guilt, I was racked,
I thought I cannot do this again. And then I took in treatment foster children, oh, my goodness,
what was I thinking? Well, actually, by the time I took in treatment, foster children, I had created
a better plan for myself and had undergone some really great training on how to help them
therapeutically with a lot of their issue. Between what I had done for myself as a parent and my own
self government, and what I learned to help those therapeutic children, everything changed for me,
and I would like to share with you now 18 of the things that I do differently and that many parents
now, thousands and thousands, all over the world who are doing the teaching self government parenting
program are doing differently too. Number one great parents plan ahead. So in our family,
we created a vision, it was a picture for the future of what type of family we wanted to have,
what type of relationships and bonds we wanted to have. And we deliberately wrote that down
and referred to it on a regular basis. If you are deliberate about where you're headed as a family,
then you have a more of a chance of actually getting there. There are some tips and tricks
to creating a really great family vision that everybody cares about. And you can find those
in my book "Parenting A House United." Number two, this one's probably my favorite. Great parents
talk about what they're going to talk about before they talk about it. That sounds crazy,
right? It sounds like why would you put that much talk time into anything? Because it's deliberate,
because it decreases anxiety, and it prepares a person to think clearly, instead of be emotional.
So what they do is they pre teach everything. So they say to themselves, okay, we are going to do
a "no" answer right now. So how do you accept a "no" answer? You look at the person, keep a calm face,
voice and body, say okay or ask to disagree appropriately, and drop the subject,
then you say, here's your "no" answer. No, you can't go outside and play right now. And then they go,
okay, or they might disagree appropriately. So great parents know how to prep the brain
so that the child doesn't keep going to the emotional place in the brain, but they stay in the
prefrontal cortex. Number three, great parents use good meta communication. So meta communication is
a nonverbal communication. These are some quality components, like touching somebody on the arm,
putting your arm around their shoulders, or making sure that you really look at them and show that
you're focusing and listening. These are all meta communication skills. Good parents don't just say
words, but they do teaching and communicating with their whole body. Number four, meetings.
Great parents have meetings to check up on how they're doing as a family. Remember how I talked
about that vision and how we make a plan for the future, we got to check up on it or you won't
actually get there. So in our family, we have three different types of meetings on a regular
basis. We have couples meetings, family meetings, and individual mentor meetings every single week.
Number five, set priorities. Great parents set their priorities, and in my life, the people
are always the top priority. There are so many things that we can do with our day and with our
time. We can run to all these different kinds of practices and make food and shop and clean and
waste time in front of the TV. We can do so many things with our time, but we should always know
what our top priority is. So for us, connecting with the people in our family is top priority.
That's going to bring us back to good connection and unity as a family every time. This brings me
to number six, which is to put the people before the schedule. So there were many times when I
actually said to myself, yes, we need to be at a church right now. But this person needs something.
So I'm going to talk to them right now first and help them through their problem, then we'll go
to church, even if it's late, or yes, they're supposed to be at a piano lesson right now.
But they're having a meltdown, because they don't feel like they're ready with their piano song
so I'm not gonna go to the lesson, I'll still pay the teacher, but I'm not going to go and I'm not
going to take it personally because my child didn't learn something and prepare for a lesson
or because they're having a hard time right at the time of the lesson. I'm not going to bring
that stress in. Instead, I'm going to see what the person needs, help them and just handle the rest
systematically. Number seven, know who each other is. That seems a little strange to say, of course,
you know each other, your family members, right? But do you really? Do they really know who you
are? What does it mean to be mother? What does it mean to be father? What does it mean to even
be seven year old son or 13 year old daughter? Do they know even who they are in the family? Many
families are struggling with that. Years ago, I wrote a book called Parenting A House United. And
I assumed that everyone understood who they were or understood family roles. But people started
struggling with that. So I had to make this book, which is Roles: The Secret to Family, Business and
Social Success. And by the way, this is a really fun book to actually read with your children and
discuss it together because it's a story and you see the family learn their roles through
the story. Now, I'm not assigning people certain roles in here, what I'm doing is I'm saying these
are the self evident roles in the family. And if we honor those, then we have more of an identity,
more of a connection and more function in our family dynamic. Number eight, great parents
praise more. In fact, you should praise your children six to 10 times for every one time that
you correct them. Is correction important? Yes. But praise actually also shows cause and effect, which
is vital for learning self government or even just navigating any problem in life. So when you praise
your children, make sure that it's heartfelt, make sure that it's honest and very descriptive.
Tell them exactly what they did that was so great. Don't just label them in some way, but actually
give them a praise that they can duplicate again in the future. Number nine, pre teach
way more. If you don't know what pre teaching is, be sure to read this book, Parenting A House
United. It will tell you how to do pre teaching in such a way that your children actually want
to follow instructions, accept "no" answers, accept consequences and disagree appropriately. When a
parent pre teaches how things will be handled in the future and what the children need to know
before there's ever a problem, there's less chance of a problem even happening. Parents who prays and
pre teach regularly have less things to correct in the long run. But don't worry, even if you do
have to correct, adding pre teaching as part of your correction is also going to be helpful to
make sure you'd have to do less corrections in the future. But don't be afraid of corrections.
They're part of good parenting too. All right, we're going to talk about the rest of these tips
that make really great parents. But before I do, click that subscribe button now. There are
a lot of great videos on this channel that will elaborate on a lot of these tips and more, and
you're not gonna want to miss them. So subscribe now. Number 10 is consistent correction.
Many parents correct their children. But many, many, many parents are not consistent in their
corrections. In fact, sometimes the corrections are different every single time, which just
increases anxiety for children. So if you want your children to have less anxiety, you have to
have more predictability, which means you have to correct the same every time and make sure that you
don't miss a correction moment. That leads us to the next item on our list, which is number 11. And
that is keeping your tolerances low. So parents that tolerate way too much misbehavior, actually
have more misbehavior that they have to deal with. That just makes sense, doesn't it? Well,
great parents understand that if they want to have less misbehavior and if they want their children
to be generally more happy, they need to tolerate less behavior. So we lower the tolerances,
do more consistent corrections, more pre teaching and more praising and suddenly, everybody is not
talking about all the things that went wrong all the time. But suddenly, we're having more open
communication about everything else that's a lot more enjoyable to discuss. Number 12, stay calm,
you have to be calm. Great parents understand that there's something called a boomerang effect.
However they feel inside is what they are going to project the children as if throwing a boomerang
and then the child will send it back to them. So if you don't want to start power struggles with
your children, which many parents do, then you need to master the art of calmness and at the end
of this video, I'm going to give you a special gift that's going to help. Number 13, love the
children no matter what. I know that seems silly to say you probably wouldn't even watch a video
like this if you didn't love your children. So I know you do, but truly, no matter what they do,
can you love them? Can you accept the bad decisions that they make and just help them
through it so that they don't do it again without taking it personal? Love them no
matter what. And you know what, tell them that you love them no matter what. Today's children
that are more perfectionist than ever before. And they're more hard on themselves than ever before
need to know that they will be loved no matter what. They've been raised with parents who've told
them, you're a genius, you're wonderful, you're the best at this, comparing them to everybody
else around them and the children think that they can't ever make a mistake. And if they do,
it's tragedy. So tell them, hey, mistakes will happen. But don't worry, I love you
no matter what. And I'll help you through anything. That is what a great parent does. 14,
great parents stay true to principle. So what is the opposite of principles? Rules,
lots of arbitrary rules that are just made because a person wants to micromanage or control or just
for governing reasons. So rules have their place, but hopefully they're based upon principles.
A good parent knows that principles are the way to go. For instance, in the skill accepting "no"
answer, the last step of the skill is to drop the subject. That's actually a principle, a person can
choose to drop a subject and to not think about something anymore. There's a principle there,
we all get to choose what we think about. That's just a truth. We don't get controlled by thoughts,
we get to control thoughts. So every skill that we teach our children, every ruling that
we have in our home should hopefully be based upon principle. Principles are broad and comprehensive,
they are true all the time. Rules always have exceptions to the rules. So we want to make
sure that we're keeping principles in mind in all things. Number 15, great parents don't nag
or micromanage. They just correct. They pre teach what the child should do, they teach them
the skills ahead of time that they need, like how to follow instructions. And then if they
don't do all the steps of following instructions, which include looking at the person or situation,
keeping a calm face, voice and body, saying, okay, you're asking to disagree appropriately,
doing the task immediately, and then checking back, they don't nag. And they don't micromanage
and try to force, instead, they just go to a correction. And they make sure it's a calm
correction so no big deal. Number 16. Great parents give their children a voice. So in the
teaching self government parenting program, we teach children how to disagree appropriately.
This is the book, Paijea Takes The Stage, that teaches small children how to disagree appropriately,
it's a seven step process. And it's incredibly liberating. It also brings mutual understanding
and connection, at a time when people might have a differing of opinions. Even children as
young as two years old can learn how to disagree appropriately. Number 17, great parents give their
children opportunities to accept consequences. Doesn't that sound weird to say it that way,
that I give my children an opportunity to accept a consequence? But it is actually an opportunity to
accept your own consequence. The alternative is that somebody does something to you,
and you don't get the chance to have your own self government moment, and accept it. So when
I teach my children and I correct my children, and they've learned a negative consequence,
number one, I help them have a consequence that is something they have to do, not something
I do to them, so that they get the opportunity to accept the consequence. And then I make sure that
they truly do accept the consequences. If they don't, then we get to a place of calmness first,
then they get the opportunity to accept the consequences afterward. Either way, though,
they get to learn the cause and effect. If a person is going to learn self government,
they have to learn cause and effect. Otherwise, everything that happens to them will always be
someone else's fault. Number 18 and just so you know, I recognized I have another one for you.
So I'm going to give you a bonus 19, okay. Number 18 is great parents teach their children to have
good social and emotional awareness. This means that you deliberately teach social skills to your
children and when they have a social problem, you help them learn the skill that they need to better
navigate that type of situation in the future. It also means that when your child has some sort of
an emotional issue that they're dealing with, you identify what's going on and help them find the
skill that they need to not have that emotional hang up again and again, which means you don't
give them social or emotional excuses. There's no I'm shy, or that's just a trigger for me. No,
instead, the parent helps them productively move through those things so that it doesn't have to be
something that's a problem for their entire lives. I know that can be hard. I can seem very difficult
for a person but a great parent helps a child break through their barriers, not just go, oh no,
there's a barrier. I'm done, which is what a lot of parents do. Here's my bonus number 19, teach
children how to be calm. Great parents teach their children the skills that they need for calmness.
So remember, earlier I said the parent needs to be calm, and the great parent starts at that place.
But the child needs to learn about calmness too, and how they can get calm when they're not feeling
calm as well. And because this is so important calmness, now mentioning it two times in this list
of 18, plus a bonus, I'm going to give you another bonus a free gift. This gift is my calm parenting
toolkit. It's a 10 lesson toolkit that gives you 10 tools for being calm. This helps you and your
child learn how to be calm in the moment. In the description below this video, there is a link that
says teachselfgov.com/toolkit. If you click on that link now, you will be able to get the
calm parenting toolkit for free. This won't teach you everything about self government, but it will
start you on the path to self government in a way that you will find liberating and empowering for
everyone in your family. And after all, isn't that what a great parent really does? They help
the family become free and liberated and they do it all through love and unity? Click on the
link now. I'll see you there.