- [Narrator] We all know that good parenting
involves unconditional love and support.
It was even found that affection
can affect brain development.
So it's not just touchy-feely stuff.
Unfortunately, not all parents provide
this kind of nurturing.
Instead, they exhibit behaviors that are downright toxic
and sabotage the possibility of a healthy,
fulfilling relationship with their children.
Wondering what those things are?
Here, let's take a look.
Number one, they project their negativity onto you.
This is when the parent places things they dislike
or can't face about themselves onto their children,
so instead of the parent saying,
"I'm disappointed in myself,"
they persistently tell their child that life is unfair,
that the child is unlucky,
or maybe even tell the child they're unworthy
so they should expect to fail.
This is incredibly damaging
as the child who is still developing
takes the parent's words as absolute truth
and they'll start to embody those negative projections.
Number two, they show little to no empathy.
Consider if, when going to your parent
for help for a problem or in grief,
you hear something like,
"Why is everything always about you?"
or, "No one ever cares about the parent.
"It's only your needs that are important, right?"
The parent might even be dismissive of your concern
and change the subject to something they deem important,
meaning something to fulfill their own needs, not yours.
They don't think, consider,
or really care about how you or other people feel.
It's all about them, and the concept of other people
having equally valid feelings is incomprehensible.
This is terrible, as this sends a clear message
that they simply don't care for the child as an individual.
Number three, they're overly critical.
Yes, we make mistakes
and, yes, part of parenting is to make the child aware
that something is a mistake in the first place
so they can learn.
There is a limit though, before it turns into abuse.
Overly critical is when the child
has tried repeatedly to correct things or improve,
yet they're still offensively wrong.
An example could be, "You only got 80%.
"You were lazy and didn't study,"
which leads to, "You only got 90%?
"Do I have an idiot for a child?"
And even at 100,
"What, the teacher finally took pity on you?"
Or, "So you got 100%, but you neglected your chores.
"If you can't do both, you're just useless."
So the child grows up believing they're never good enough,
maybe they're defective
or maybe they deserve to be treated badly.
Number four, despite knowing your boundaries,
they ignore them.
Ever been just relaxing quietly in your room
and your parent just barges in with no warning,
or maybe our of the blue they force advice on you
about something you never even hinted to them you needed
or wanted help with?
And if you dare to say something about it,
you likely get the,
"I'm the parent, so I have the right to."
No, this is ridiculous.
Unless the child is so young
that they can't do basic functions for themselves yet,
any healthy relationship must include personal boundaries
that are respected by all parties.
A one-off could be that they didn't know
or there was some sort of emergency.
A repeated offense,
especially if some excuse of,
"Because I'm the parent," is given,
means they don't respect you as a person
and that is not healthy.
Number five, they insult you to hurt you.
This is different from a joke burn war
where it's been firmly established by all
that it's a fake insult for humor.
This is the kind where you're humiliated or shamed,
often for no reason,
or perhaps as a response to an accomplishment you've shared.
They might even do this in front of others
just to dig even deeper.
This is not tough love to keep you humble.
This is flat out abuse that makes the child feel alienated,
anxious or depressed.
The child's whole future outlook
could be shackled with low self-esteem.
Number six, you are always the reason for anything negative,
even if you're actually not.
Ever been blamed for being born?
You know, comments like, "You ruined my life.
"I couldn't reach my goals because I had to raise you,"
or maybe somehow everything
that is inconvenient in your life is your fault?
Like you're some sort of supernatural harbinger of doom,
affecting events and places you've never even seen.
Commonsense goes out the window
and they take everything they're dissatisfied with
and somehow make it your doing.
Which, by the way, is 99.99% impossible.
If you can relate to this, you have dysfunctional parents.
Really, it's them, not you.
And number seven, they are all take and no give.
We don't mean things like money or gifts,
although that could be part of it.
This is like those situations where a parent,
instead of going to a qualified counselor
or even an adult friend
decides to emotionally dump on their 12 year old instead.
All the child knows is that the parent is upset,
so they try to comfort them as best they can.
A child is defined as a child here
because their brains haven't developed to maturity yet.
They should not and cannot handle
that kind of responsibility in a healthy way.
It's supposed to be the parent supporting, guiding,
and comforting the child.
Making the child be the parent is a real phenomenon
called, unsurprisingly, parentification
and it also means that when the child is in need of comfort
the parent doesn't reciprocate.
Healing yourself from toxic parenting is in your power.
You, and only you,
have control of your own feelings and attitudes.
Your parents are, likewise, the only ones who can control
and change their own feelings and attitudes.
It's time to free yourself from that burden
if you believe it's your fault
they aren't being better people, because it isn't.
You are never obligated to be abused,
nor are you obligated to take on your parents' issues
that they've ignored in themselves.
Look our for yourself and be someone you like and respect.
We know you can do it.
Did you recognize any of these signs?
Has this video changed the way you see things
that have happened in the past?
People feel free to discuss below and we'll see you soon.