- And then a lot of people also seemed to wonder,
"Ali, now that you have a daughter,
"are you gonna tone it down?"
(audience chuckling)
Here's the thing, just because you became a parent
doesn't mean you grew up.
(audience laughing and applauding)
Yeah, broey dudes become broey dads.
I'm the same piece of shit that I always was
before I became a mom. (audience laughing)
Now just with more responsibility,
and I'm barely rising to the occasion.
(audience laughing and applauding)
And I'm not ashamed.
I'm not gonna hide that I was
very sexually active in my 20s.
You know why, because everybody knows the secret now,
that when a woman sleeps with a man right away,
it's not because we don't respect ourselves,
it's because we don't respect you.
(audience cheering)
We don't see you as marriage material.
That's why we let your dick inside so fast.
(audience laughing)
By letting you in we're really
kicking you out of our future.
Bye, Felicia.
Be on your merry little way. (audience laughing)
(audience cheering)
We're just tryin' to have fun.
We're not tryin' to trap yo ass.
(audience laughing)
But, but you better be careful
because when a man (gasping),
when a man doesn't sleep with you right away,
oh, oh it's not because he respects you.
(audience laughing)
It's because he has a small dick.
(audience laughing and applauding)
And he's trying to trap you.
(audience laughing and applauding)
Do not fall for that trap.
I'm gonna repeat that shit to my daughter
over and over and over again. (audience laughing)
Do not fall for that trap.
I fell for that shit once.
Fell in love and into a semi-long-term relationship
with a man who kept on wanting to wait to have sex,
and I assumed it was because he thought I was so special
and amazing and worth waiting for.
He was hiding something. (audience laughing)
Months later he finally agrees to get busy,
and unveils this tiny mess of a thing
that wouldn't even reach your molars.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
It was a black dude.
(audience laughing)
Creepy right, like seeing a homeless Asian person.
What, what happened to you?
(audience laughing and applauding)
Oh my god, who are your parents, truly?
(audience laughing)
It was a black dude and I told
all my black friends about it,
and they were like where the fuck is he at?
(audience laughing)
We need to assassinate him right now
before he further threatens to tarnish
our sacred reputation. (audience laughing)
It was the first and last time I had ever seen
an actual micropenis.
And my honest first reaction when I saw it was
oh my god, are you okay? (audience laughing)
What happened, did you just get hit by a bus?
Did a car outside just like sideswipe your dick off
and now is your dick rolling around on the street
like a severed snake head?
And should we get a Mason jar, just scoop it up,
and bring you both to the hospital
to have you sewn back together?
(audience laughing)
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Is this some sort of princess and the frog test?
(audience laughing)
Did a witch curse you a long time ago
as punishment for calling her ugly?
And now if I put that in my mouth
to prove that I love you (audience laughing)
as a reward for my love will it expand?
(audience laughing and applauding)
Like one of those magic towels you pour water on?
(audience laughing)