-We have a big show tonight, everybody.
Hillary Rodham Clinton is my guest tonight!
[ Cheers and applause ]
And compared to the Democrats you saw last night,
she looks like a tween.
[ Laughter ]
That's right, last night was Super Tuesday,
and today for Mike Bloomberg,
it was, "Oh, my God. I wasted a billion dollars" Wednesday.
[ Laughter ]
That's right, last night was Super Tuesday,
and the big winner was Joe Biden.
After finishing -- [ Applause ]
Yeah, after finishing fourth in Iowa and fifth in New Hampshire,
Biden won 10 states.
It's like going from the middle seat on Spirit Airlines
to Beyoncé's private jet. [ Stammers ]
Seriously, no one saw Biden becoming the front-runner again.
Right now, even Jesus is thinking,
"Wow, this is a crazy comeback."
[ Laughter ]
That's right, Biden had a great night.
And you could tell things were going well for him.
Just look at the photos the TV networks showed
every time he won another state.
First, when he won Alabama, they showed this.
Then when he won Virginia, they showed this.
[ Laughter ]
Then when he won North Carolina, they showed this.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, when he won Texas, they showed this.
[ Stammers ] That's fantastic. [ Laughter and applause ]
Actually, there was a --
There was a scary moment last night
during Biden's victory speech when a woman stormed the stage.
Thankfully, no charges were pressed,
and she was able to be our lead guest tonight.
Hillary Clinton is here, ladies and gentlemen!
No, no, I'm joking. ♪♪
That's right, though. Protesters rushed the stage,
and Biden's wife, Dr. Jill Biden, stepped in to stop them.
Take a look at this.
Yeah.
Forget First Lady. She should be Secretary of Defense.
[ Laughter ]
The bad news is, this morning,
Jill got drafted by the Cincinnati Bengals.
[ Audience groans ]
That's not the only moment during Biden's speech
that people are talking about.
Things started out with a pretty bad mix-up.
Take a look.
-By the way, this is my little sister, Valerie,
and I'm Jill's husband.
Oh, no, this is -- Oh, you switched on me.
This is my wife. This is my sister.
[ Laughter ]
-After saying that,
Biden automatically won the state of West Virginia,
so congrats. Good for you. [ Cheers and applause ]
-Hey-oh! Oh! Hey!
Hey, forget about it!
[ Laughter ]
-Trump saw that and was like, "Dear God. He's unstoppable.
He's --" [ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders also had a decent night.
Unfortunately, when he thanked his supporters,
he got a little too big with his gestures.
Look what happened.
-But for the years and years of love and support
you have given me and my family.
[ Cheers ]
[ Laughter ]
-Poor Bernie. That was a week's worth of Metamucil.
You understand? I mean, that's --
[ Laughter ]
-Wow.
-But it wasn't a great night for Mike Bloomberg.
He spent his Super Tuesday in Florida,
and after the disappointing results came in,
he tried cheering himself up by buying a theme park.
That's right, Super Tuesday went so poorly for Bloomberg
that this morning, he dropped out of the race.
But good news, Mike -- Compared to de Blasio and Giuliani,
you're still every New Yorker's favorite mayor.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Of course, Super Tuesday was a big night for the news media,
and they really went all-out to cover the Democrats,
bringing on as many anchors and analysts as they could.
I'll show you what I mean.
This was CBS.
Yeah. That's one desk with five people.
That's pretty standard right there.
And here's ABC.
-And Michael Bloomberg. -They did three desks
with 13 people.
I mean, that's kind of a lot right there.
Yeah. Now, here's MSNBC.
They used the set for "Hollywood Squares."
Not sure that's a great idea. [ Laughter ]
Now here's CNN. They had a Ferris wheel
rotating 40 anchors in and out of frame.
Now, that's a good idea.
And finally, here's Fox News.
It was just an empty chair and a sign that says, "No news today."
[ Applause ]
Well, guys, the coronavirus is still going around.
and to help stop it from spreading,
experts are telling people to avoid any kinds of handshakes.
Health officials are actually recommending
doing something called footshakes.
Have you seen this? Take a look at this.
This is real.
[ People speaking indistinctly ]
It's a footshake, yeah.
I think it's --
I think it's great. Tariq, you want to try it out?
-Sure. -Let's do it. Come on, man.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I think we stand --
I think we just stand here and then we just start.
Ready? Nice to see ya.
-Yeah. -Yeah, cool.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Like that? Yeah.
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
-That wasn't too hard.
Tariq Trotter, everybody!
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
-[ Chuckling ] Gosh.
Wow.
[ Laughter ]
-Some local news.
By the end of the month, New York City will remove
some of its last remaining street pay phones.
Yeah, officials said, "Sorry,
but you're going to have to find somewhere else to urinate."
[ Laughter ]
And this is crazy. I read about two women in Pennsylvania
who have been best friends for 17 years
and just found out that they're actually sisters.
Yeah. And ever since that, they haven't stopped fighting.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, an American Airlines flight
was diverted to a different airport
after a passenger tried to open a door mid-flight.
In the passenger's defense, the in-flight movie was "Cats."
We have a great show!