'Knock knock.'
Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
‘Put it away and get out.’
We’re looking at Black Moon Rising, starring Tommy Lee Jones.
‘I’m getting too old for this.’
and Linda Hamilton with a dog on her head. Which thankfully does turn out to be a wig.
Jones plays super-thief Quint who we meet mid-job.
Is he really such an amazing thief if he needs gadgets for everything?
#Alarm sounds#
And still sets off the alarm.
He is good at hiding.
Although my favorite thing about that clip is the guards struggling to get past the camera.
Pursued by security, Quint stashes cassette he stole,
which we might as well call the macguffin, in a prototype supercar called the Black Moon,
#ZOOOOOOOOOOM#
planning to retrieve it later for the government types who hired him.
‘I’m gonna take all the heat that’s coming down on my head and I’m going to transfer it to your body. You understand?'
I think he’s coming onto you.
Unfortunately…
‘Oh my God they’re - they’re stealing the cars’
Black Moon is stolen, along with a bunch of other cars,
because the men who made it left their unique, prototype, NASA designed, hydrogen turbo powered supercar in the carpark of a club.
‘This here car is the single most sensational thing on wheels since the turbo.’
Quint gives chase, keeping up with the fastest car in the world in his knackered Daytona.
Now the thieves, under the command of Robert Vaughn,
weren’t targeting the Black Moon, they’re just car thieves, in fact…
‘What am I supposed to do with it.’
Vaughn doesn’t want it. Linda Hamilton’s Nina stole it for herself
but Vaughn isn’t having any of that…
‘Fine, do whatever you want with it’
and Nina goes for an angry drink, after which…
‘Where you going?’
‘Downtown’
‘Fne.’
Sure, why wouldn’t you just pick up a total stranger?
‘Some friends of mine had a nice car, really veryspecial, got stolen.’
All he knows is that she stole the car but sure, she’ll help get it back.
And by the cliched laws of 80s action you know they’ll be in bed by the end of the…
…scene.
That happened fast.
So far their entire interaction is one conversation that can be summarised as...
‘We’re both theives.’
Actually, she’s not planning to help, but sleeping with Quint still puts her in trouble with Vaughn, who locks her in the stationery closet.
Meanwhile Quint has teamed up with the Black Moon’s owners to break in and get the car back,
and with it the macguffin cassette.
'Don't know how the hell this thing works.'
‘Laser beam will blind their TV cameras.’
again showing those incredible cat burglar skills.
Ah the enormous air duct, where would action movies be without them?
As he goes…
'What are you doing?'
'Get me out of here.'
well that’s lucky.
Now they just have to get the car, locked in a bay in the basement.
‘Been a while since I worked one of these – it’s obsolete.’
Wait a minute; you’ve used gadgets to get through every lock so far,
the one, single time in the film that gadgets are useless and it turns out so are you.
‘I know you’re a hotshot and all that Quint’
How did he get this reputation?
Through some contrived plotting we arrive at a stand-off on an upper floor.
'Stop.'
‘It’s over. The game is over.’
Why would you stand right in front of the car?
The Fast and the Ludicrus.
Okay, we talk a lot about the stakes in a movie and that is a problem here because
we never know what’s on that cassette and Quint has no personal stake in it, so who cares?
‘Just how badly do you want that car’
The guys want their car back but…
‘I don’t know if I could kill a man over a car.’
Pointing out the flaw in your own premise there;
But unusually, the bigger issue is the stakes for the bad guy.
‘I’m going to collect it –
one way or another’
Robert Vaughn’s Ryland is presented as a supervillain,
slight problem; he’s just a car thief.
'When the second tower is complete the whole complex will be unique.'
He’s an ambitious one and I’m not saying car thieves aren’t criminals,
but he’s presented as Blofeld and I just can’t see him swiveling round in a chair, stroking a cat and saying
‘It’s no good Mr Bond, that Ford Anglia is mine’
‘My inspectors have uncovered many flaws’
The only reason the man in the elevator gets killed is so we see him kill someone
because he has no huge life-threatening plans.
Which brings me back to stakes, remember this?
'What am I suppose to do with it?'
He doesn’t want the car.
‘A car like that attracts a lot of attention’
Mostly from people pointing and laughing, but still, he doesn’t want the car,
doesn’t even know about the cassette, doesn’t have any big plans to spoil. So what’s at stake for him?
'You're very good.'
'Yeah I got a bright future.'
'You say that like you don't belive it.'
He's got some perverse attachment to Nina but… that’s not enough.
‘It’s not acceptable behaviour’
So if neither the hero, nor the heroine, nor the villain have any stake in the outcome,
why would I?
'What's with the bad attitude.'
Thanks for watching.
For a story with proper stakes, check out my book The Immortal Dracula, there’s a link in the description below.
This was written by John Carpenter, what other big names have moonlighted on less than stellar projects?
Let us know in the comments below.
'There won't be a next time.'