- There are two questions that we're gonna look at
today that come up a lot in dating.
The first one is, you're dating somebody,
it was going great in the very beginning,
and now it's kind of cooled off a bit
and you're wondering how much effort should I put in?
How much should I keep trying?
Cause it kind of feels like I'm trying
to resuscitate something that is dead.
(upbeat music)
- How long has it been?
How long?
- I don't know, two hours.
- Okay. That's good. Stand back.
One, two, three...
Come on, buddy. One, two, three
Stay with me.
- The second question is, you've been dating someone
for a while and you both are highly invested
in this relationship,
and now things have really gotten rocky
and you're wondering, is it time to go
or should I keep working on it and keep staying?
We're gonna take a look at strategies
to help you know whether you should stay and keep trying
or whether you should go in both scenarios, check it out.
Hey there. My name is Matt Boggs.
I'm the founder of the love and relationships division
of the Brave Thinking Institute,
where our mission is increasing love in the world
although one heart at a time.
And so if you like this video, take a moment
and hit the subscribe button and hit the bell
because every week we bring you videos to empower you
in your love life.
So let's take a look at the first scenario
where you're dating someone it's early
in the process and things have cooled off a bit.
You don't feel like he's investing as much
as you are in the relationship.
So imagine this, imagine that
in every relationship there's you, there's him,
and then there's the relationship as this third being,
this third entity, if you will.
And imagine that that relationship has an account
almost like a love bank account,
where in that bank account
the only thing that can get deposited
in that bank account are actions of love,
and consider this idea,
love is not a feeling.
Yeah we have the feelings of infatuation,
the feelings of love, but feelings can ebb and flow.
Love is a verb. Love is a decision you make.
Love is expression of the feelings that we have.
So imagine that the only thing that can go
into that bank account are actions of love.
There's this great quote that says," if you were convicted
in a court of law with loving somebody
would there be enough evidence to convict you?"
So with this guy, is there enough evidence to say,
yeah he's into this relationship?
So the only thing that can go into this bank account
are actions like his communication with you,
his phone calls to you - where he initiates, his text messages.
The times he shown up, his planning of the date,
him conversing sharing things with you
that are vulnerable that are open,
pursuing you. Those kinds of things
go into this relationship bank account.
So if you were to look at this relationship bank account
that the two of you share, is it equal
in terms of the amount of energy you're putting in?
Is it mostly your deposits, mostly his deposits?
Where does it lie?
And if you're looking at this bank account
and you recognize, well, these are mostly your deposits,
especially recently that have been in this bank account,
then you wanna let him go.
Because here's the principle, you wanna date the person
not the potential.
Here's the challenge that most of us fall into
when you're seeing somebody that you really like.
I mean, this person is sexy and smart
and charismatic and fun and successful
and you could see they would be an amazing partner,
if only they would invest in you.
If only they would show up, if only they would communicate.
If you're in that they would be great,
if only they were different.
That is a bad thought to be having.
Let a warning sign go off in your mind
because at that moment you're investing in potential.
You're not investing in the actual person.
You're not investing in someone's beingness
and how they're showing up in this relationship.
Know this, you can absolutely find somebody
who's gonna invest in you just as much as
you're investing in them and create something amazing.
So in the beginning of the relationship
if you're way over invested, let that relationship go
or at least stop trying until you see them step up
to the plate and invest at an equal level as you.
The second question is: What if you're both highly invested?
You look at this bank account
and you guys have lots of history together,
lots of amazing times together, lots of good times together,
and now your relationship is at a really rocky place.
And you're in this debate about
should I stay or should I go?
How do you know when it's the right time to leave?
There's five questions that you wanna ask yourself.
So the first question is: Is it okay healthy to stay?
You do not wanna be in an environment where there is
addiction or abuse or adultery or cheating.
So is he physically abusive, verbally abusive,
mentally or emotionally abusive?
If so, you wanna remove yourself as quickly
as possible to get yourself
to a place that's safe and healthy.
If it is healthy, then the question is:
Is he willing to work on it? That's question number two.
Is he willing to work with me?
Is he willing to seek out counseling with you?
Is he willing to read a book with you
to try to improve your relationship?
Because here's the deal,
If you guys could have improved it on your own
you would have already improved it on your own.
This is the moment to get some help
that's outside of yourself, whether that's a book
or whether that's with a counselor or a coach.
The third question is: Do you share a common vision?
Do you both want the same thing?
When you think about your future
and what you want for your family, for your life,
does that align with what he wants
for his family and his life?
Very important that you share a common vision
because why I work on something
if it's not actually leading to the same place?
Number four is: Have you left no stone unturned?
What you don't wanna do is leave a relationship
and have regrets thinking,
well I could have done this and I didn't try that,
and I didn't really bring my all.
Are there solutions, are there that you're thinking of
that you could do that might bring this relationship back
to a place of peace and love where you're getting along?
And number five the question is:
Is this the end? In other words, stay until the end.
You can always leave.
You can always end the relationship.
That's always an option for you.
But once you end the relationship,
very tough to come back in and work on it again.
So the place that leaves you feeling at peace,
the place that leaves you feeling really solid
in your decision is when you know I am at the end.
And one of the questions that helps you
know that is, do I wanna see him one more time?
Often the answer is, yeah
I do want to see him at least one more time.
Yes. I do wanna work on this a little bit more.
Yes. I do wanna give this some more effort
but there will become a moment when the answer is no,
I do not wanna see him one more time.
I've done everything I can do.
I've overturned every stone.
I've tried to work on this. We don't share a common vision.
We're not willing to work on it. And this is the end.
That's the moment when you end the relationship
and you move on and when you do it in that state,
you have peace of mind.
There's not the drama around it.
You're standing on solid ground
of your own decision making,
your own being is saying,
I'm ready to complete this relationship
and call in something new.
So, let those strategies serve you
to give you peace of mind of knowing,
should I keep investing?
Should I keep trying? When the right time to pour in
and when the right time to exit that relationship is.
My question for you is:
What are strategies you have found that have empowered you
in knowing if you should keep trying
or if you should leave the relationship?
Go and post those in the comment section below.
I appreciate you. Thanks so much for watching.
I'll see you soon.
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