Game assassins out there, you think I was born looking this cool?
No, I used to look like you
Losing to noobs, every day.
That is, until I discovered Gamer Gear.
That got my fashion on point, and I never lose to noobs anymore.
[V.O] Gamer Gear Glasses...
...help you see the game, and look cooler than ever.
And our trademark item: Gamer Water.
Dude, fuck yeah, man
This water is pulsing with energy
[Gurgles]
[Screams]
FUCK, dude, can't see
I can't fuckin' see through these things, dude
[Intro Music]
Michelle Obama: Wow, Ethan, great moves! Keep it up, proud of you.
Gamer dudes! And dudettes.
When it comes to keeping your gaming gear in peak performance, oh the games people play! I'll tell ya.
I see people using that word all the time.
'Dudettes! What's up my dudettes?'
Dudettes.
What's up my dudette? Hila, I'm talking to you.
What's up, dudette? You like when I call you that?
You like it, don't you? Because it means I respect you, as a female.
You're not a dude. You're your own gender, a dudette.
And yes, I have never had sex, but I hope that by calling you a dudette...
Dudettes.
...it increases my chances, if only by 1%.
Ok? Because if it increases by 1%, or even 0.1%, you're saying there's a chance.
Now Hila, tell me now, my dudette, is there a chance?
FUCK! You, you led me on dude! You were smiling and shit when I was calling you a dudette!
Fuck you, Hila. You were leading me on, dude.
When it comes to keeping your gaming gear in peak performance, oh the games people play! I'll tell ya.
Really?????
A lot of you game assassins...
What the fuck was that edit?
REALLY?????
I'll tell ya. Really!
A lot of you game assassins...
They're like "man, this really is comedy genius
we need to put that in there even though it doesn't...
Really?????
...fit, in the shot" REALLY?
You know what'd be perfect right between these two scenes?
A "Really!"
Really! R-r-r-r-r-r-r-really!
[Slowed down] Really!
[Hila] Um...[laughs]
"Oh the games people play!"
REALLY!
R-r-r-r-r- [Slowed down] Really!
Oh the games people play. I'll tell ya.
Really!
A lot of you game assassins seem
[Retching]
"Game assassins", what the fuck.
That made me, like, React™.
Almost fucking vomited, dude.
Are you a game assassin, dude?
You probably fuckin' SICK!
Now this guy is leading us to believe that you need some kind of product
to become a game assassin, but we all have known for years
that the game assassin power comes from the bowl cut.
I've been a game assassin for YEARS.
You're gonna tell me how to be a game assassin?
Hila, get the bowl!
Get the bowl, Hila, I'm showing these guys what's up.
[Hila] Ok, so how do I do it?
[Ethan] Just, just fuck me up.
Just fuck me up, fam.
[Hila] Um, do you wanna take this off?
[Ethan] First of all...what, take what off?
[Hila] The glasses
[Ethan] No! My glasses never come off, dude, I'm a fucking gamer.
How could you say that to me?
Ok, here's how we start.
This...the beauty of the bowl cut, Hila, is the simplicity.
You put the bowl on the head, you cut.
That's all it takes, man, and then you're imbued with the power of a million gamers.
Woo! Dude, I can feel my power surging!
Is that a...WAIT, HOLD ON, HILA, STOP.
STOP. Turn it off.
Is that a gamer buzzer?
Hila?
[Hila] Mhmm?
What the fuck is this?
Is this a bowl cut?
Or a broccoli cut?
Because I don't feel like a game assassin.
Apparently a fucking bowl cut doesn't work with my hair.
I'm not a game assassin, I'm a broccoli assassin.
I'm gonna get fuckin' owned by noobs with a cut like this, Hila.
Thanks a lot dude, you...
[Sighs]
Introducing "The Broccoli Assassin", guys.
Fuck me, dude.
A lot of you game assassins seem to think that skill alone
is gonna get you in to the victory lane.
as you go leaping from level to level
Room to room, then world to world!
With little or no effort.
Ohhh, planet rangers.
This guy NAILS the gamer.
This guy is not just an actor that was conceived around a conference hall
by a bunch of 50 year old marketers who have never played video games
THEY know, HE knows, and I know that they know that I'm buying this product.
You wanna know a dirty little secret?
Ya hah? Do ya? Do ya?
You're not gonna get there if your gear is all crapped up with gamer gunk...
...dust, chip dip, greasy, sticky, slimy game residue!
Oh your keyboard isn't fucking full of chip dip and covered in splooge?
Oh! Oh, well you're not a real gamer.
You're not gonna get there if your gear is all crapped up with gamer gunk...
...dust, chip dip, greasy, sticky, slimy game residue!
I'm a real gamer.
It's a fact!
Comic Sans warning!
We got a Comic Sans warning here guys. [Air-raid siren plays in background]
Full Red Alert.
It's a fact! [Air horns play in background]
You can't do it dirty. You gotta do it clean.
And here's how!
This stuff, right here...right here? This stuff?
This is the good stuff! The right stuff! The Dust Off stuff!
The only stuff you should use to clean your gear.
This air is the best air! You can not find air like this anywhere.
[Ethan] And did you guys know that gamer air costs twice the amount as normal air?
And honestly, it's worth EVERY dime.
[Ethan and Hila giggling]
And that's how you use Gamer Gunk...Cleaner Gin-ger...
...to clean your gamer gunk!
And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is what the power of the gengin...
...Gamer Duster cleaner can do to clean up your gaming gear.
To become the ultimate game assassin.
Thanks, gunk...Dust-Off Gamer Gear, my house has never been cleaner thanks to your cleaning product.
Thanks, Dust-Off, my house has never been cleaner.
My gaming gear has never been cleaner, thanks to Dust-Off.
Let's get cleaning.
Now, the keyboard.
Grab it sideways, kinda like you're gonna play an accordion.
Like you're gonna grab an accordion? What kinda fuckin' analogy is that? Who's relating to that one, dude?
"Just grab out your accordion, like you do, everybody's familiar with that."
Is this it?
This is what it is? This is all it takes to play an accordion?
Hmm. I might have to pick that up, dude.
[Accordion music]
...play an accordion.
Grab your Dust-Off Gaming Gear duster from your gaming kit,
and holding the can upright, spray in short bursts as you work your way around all those nooks and crannies.
Oh man! Just look at all that crap flying out of there!
How is that...I don't understand, how is that better than just doing, like this...
...like "OK, here you go, you just saved yourself 20 fucking dollars".
As a gamer, you have to be a little bit insulted by just how fucking dumb they think we are.
[Gamer Gear guy] Oh man! Just look at all that crap flying out of there!
There must have been an entire bowl of cereal down in there!
And, uh, enough skin fragments to clone yourself!
[Wincing] Ugh..."please do not clone yourself"...ugh...one of you is cringe enough, three is too much to handle dude...
...I gotta squint to look at this shit, man.
Look if you keep cloning yourself man, I'm gonna have to close this video.
[Sucks air through teeth]
Really! R-r-r-r-r-rreally!
[Slowed down] Really!
When you're done spraying, take a swab for the tiny places.
And then, take this Dust-Off Gaming Gear wipe, and wipe off the top, the front, the back, and the sides
so you KILL all those nasty germs!
Next use a baby wipe, wipe down the top of your keyboard, and then wipe your ass with it
because it's a fucking baby wipe.
It's just a baby wipe that costs 5 dollars for one baby wipe.
KILL THEM ALL! [Makes gun noises with his mouth]
FINISH HIM.
Really! R-r-r-r-r-rreally! [Slowed down] Really!
Next, we move on to the screen.
For this step, we have a specially formulated Dust-Off screen spray, and Dust-Off shammy.
And let me tell you folks, it is not a paper towel and window cleaner.
It is not that!
Boy, you could tell these people are pretty insecure about their product.
"It is NOT a household cleaning product guys! Marked up at ten times the cost, guys!
IT IS NOT!
Please believe me!
We need to sell a bunch of these or we're gonna get fired!"
Wipe it off like this, and you're all set.
Oh, and uh, you can spray on the acrylic parts too so they're nice and shiny.
Mom would be so proud.
[Laughs]
Wow.
Mom would be so proud. [Laughs]
Yeesh, this dude is really taking any excuse to get in drag.
It's not even related! It's not even a joke.
He's just in drag. That's the joke.
"Mom would be so proud" [Laughs]
And let me just say for the record dude, you're pulling it off.
It's a good look for you man. You look good.
Now...[dramatically] FOR THE SCARY PART!
The COMPUTER!
It's definitely worth another reminder from Mr. Safety.
[Bad Southern Accent] Now make sure the entire computer is off. Not hibernatin' or sleepin', but completely O-F-F.
F
Off.
Thanks Mr. Safety.
Thanks Mr. On-The-Spectrum.
Now, we're gonna clean the optics on your CD, DVD and Blu-Ray player.
Using this specially formulated Dust-Off cleaning disc, open the tray, slide it in, and follow the audio instructions.
If you listen closely, you can hear giggling coming from the player. [Giggling in background]
It's so happy to be cleaned.
If you listen closely, you can hear giggling coming from the player.
It's so happy to be cleaned.
[Slowed down] If you listen closely, you can hear giggling coming from the player.
It's so happy to be cleaned. [Slowed down] It's so happy to be cleaned.
Really! R-r-r-r-really! It's so happy to be cleaned. If you listen closely, you can hear giggling coming from the player. It's so happy to be cleaned.
That's it ladies and terminators.
[Gurgling]
[Groaning]
[Chill outro music]