You ever notice how the people who decry identity politics are so quick to build
their own identities around the most shallow, pathetic shit? I’ll show you what I mean: this!
Cars lined up around my local Chick-fil-A franchise, coiling through the parking lot
like a snake — appropriate for these “don’t tread on me” types — cars wrapped around the building,
full of people waiting to order mediocre fast food chicken sandwiches. There’s no special
limited-time offer in place, there’s nothing unique about this particular
location — it’s like this every day, at Chick-fil-A locations all over the country.
What the hell is going on? I’ll tell you what I think.
American conservative Christians, despite the fact that they run this country and have done
so for decades, have convinced themselves that they are an oppressed minority — because all the
actual oppressed minorities have been ganging up on ‘em and making them feel bad for being a bunch
of intolerant assholes, and they don’t like that. So, some half-assed restaurateur/marketing genius
came up with an idea, and he said to these conservative Christians with a persecution
complex, “Hey! I’m on your side! I want to cater to you. I want to be your chicken of choice!”
So, Chick-fil-A established itself as the fast food joint for Christian
conservatives — Churchy’s Chicken, as I like to call it. The place is even closed on Sundays,
to honor the sabbath day and keep it holy. The target demographic eats that shit up with a spork.
It’s all about the identity with these Chick-fil-A loving Christians. They eat there to make a point.
It’s about making a statement, not about the food. You know how I know? Because the food sucks. The
chicken here at Burger King is better than the chicken at Chick-fil-A. That’s how you know.
When a particular group of people goes out of its way to eat at a restaurant named after chicken,
where the chicken is worse than the chicken at another restaurant
named after an entirely different kind of meat, you know it’s not about the food.
A big part of Chick-fil-A’s Christian identity is its opposition to equality
for gay and trans people. Officially the company says it doesn’t discriminate,
but what else are they gonna say? Unofficially, it’s a different story.
According to some LGBTQ folks who have worked there, at Chick-fil-A they have an unofficial
don’t ask, don’t tell policy when it comes to their hiring practices. The owners don’t
like queer people. But they can’t legally discriminate against them in the hiring
process — at least not yet they can’t — so, they just make sure it gets out there
that the company has a history of donating to anti-gay, anti-trans charities and supporting
homophobic and transphobic political candidates, and they hope the queer folks out there looking
for work get the idea on their own. Sure, a few are still gonna apply because hey, it’s a
tough world out there and a job’s a job, and they know they’ll have to end up hiring some of them,
but they don’t wanna know about it! They don’t ask, and they don’t want you to tell.
Us older folks know why that phrase “don’t ask, don’t tell” sounds familiar, but for some of you
youngsters, there was another institution beloved by conservative Christians who used to have that
exact same hiring policy when it came to gay people: the United States military! But then,
you know what happened? About ten years ago, they got rid of it! The military got rid of don’t ask,
don’t tell, but Chick-fil-A still has it. That means the army will trust openly queer
people to drive tanks, but Chick-fil-A doesn’t want ‘em runnin’ the fucking’ pressure fryer.
And by the way, that “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy doesn’t just apply to the
employees of Chick-fil-A — it also applies to the company and its regressive, small-minded,
intolerant, hateful politics. Don’t ask, don’t tell — as in, don’t bother asking if they
still support homophobia and transphobia, because they ain’t gonna tell you anyway.
A little over ten years ago, Chick-fil-A got caught up in a big controversy over the company
donating to anti-gay organizations, including ones that practiced conversion therapy. So,
during this controversy, it was reported that Chick-fil-A was no longer going to donate to
those organizations. But, that pissed off the Christians! They said, “If you’re not gonna use
our money to fuck over gay people, we’ll spend it on shitty fast food chicken from somewhere
else! I bet Roy Rogers would fuck over some gay people if a bunch of us got together and
went over there. Probably wouldn’t have to twist their arm too hard, either!”
So then, Mike Huckabee — remember that piece of shit? Ran for President a couple of times,
used to be the Governor of Arkansas? His daughter is Sarah Huckabee — she’s
another piece of shit — used to be Trump’s press secretary, now she’s the Governor of
Arkansas, too, just like her daddy was — they’re an Arkansan dynasty of shit!
Anyway, Mike Huckabee heard about those reports that Chick-fil-A was
gonna stop donating to anti-gay causes, so he posted on his website saying “Calm down,
everybody! I talked to the CEO of Chick-fil-A, and he said those reports are false!”
And all the homophobic conservative Christians — excuse me, I repeated myself — all the
conservative Christians were like, “Whew!” They were relieved! Because they were afraid they were
gonna have to start getting chicken sandwiches from those godless sodomites at McDonalds Monday
through Saturday, too, instead of just on Sunday when Chick-fil-A is fuckin’ closed!
A few years after that, the bigoted corporate stooges that run the company must have finally
gotten tired of catching hell for their shitty beliefs and the harmful bullshit they supported,
because they finally threw their hands up and said “That’s it, no more political statements! This
goes for everyone, from executives to franchisees to employees — everybody keep your mouth shut!”
You know what they actually said? “We want to focus on the food.”
Yeah. “Chick-fil-A is about food, and that’s it.” I’ve tried the food — big mistake!
But, all the people in those cars stacked up in that drive-thru line around Chick-fil-A
don’t feel that way. They like the food. Or, if they don’t like it, it doesn’t really make
a difference. I doubt some of them even taste the chicken. They bite into those sandwiches and cram
those waffle fries into their faces and all they taste is their own sense of self-satisfaction,
because for them it’s not about the food. It’s about owning the libs. As soon as they found
out that liberals and leftists didn’t like Chick-fil-A’s support for anti-LGBTQ causes,
they couldn’t drive over there fast enough! They got second-rate fast food,
Chick-fil-A got their money, and both sides were happy.
I’ll give the assholes who run Chick-fil-A this much credit: they figured out how
to monetize the persecution complexes of their customer base. They realized that,
despite all their pretenses to piety and love of country and family and freedom,
the only true animating principle of these dipshits is reactionary,
impotent adolescent rebellion. They’ve all got chips on their shoulders like resentful
teenagers. That’s what owning the libs is all about. “Oh, I’m not supposed to like Chick-fil-A?
You think I should have an Impossible Whopper instead? Well, I’m gonna eat at Chick-fil-A
anyway and there’s nothing you can do about it! What do you think, libs? Are you triggered?”
It’s the same reason why, when I was a kid, they acted like smoking cigarettes despite
the FDA saying it caused cancer was some kind of blow in defense of liberty; it’s why they turned
saying “Merry Christmas” into a partisan political statement; and it’s why they’re currently making a
big show of owning and using gas stoves, like using methane to overcook an under seasoned
hamburger is the same thing as storming the beach on fuckin’ D-Day. They’re owning the libs!
Oh, and I almost forgot — one more thing they did to own the libs: prolonged a global pandemic!
Hey, coronavirus is spread through airborne water droplets, you should wear a mask when
you’re around other people — “Fuck you! I’m not wearing a mask!” Okay, well,
we developed these vaccines that are safe and effective at stopping the spread of the virus and
lessening the severity of your symptoms if you do catch it — “Fuck you! I’m not getting vaccinated!”
The virus spreads person-to-person through close contact, so you should avoid unnecessary
gatherings until this thing is under control — “Fuck you! What about Memorial Day? What about
Fourth of July? What about Thanksgiving? What about Black Friday Christmas shopping? What
about Black Friday Christmas shopping at Hobby Lobby? And L.L. Bean? And Home Depot? We’re
gonna go to all three, and stop for lunch at Chick-fil-A! I bet you’ll hate that, won’t you,
libs? Do you feel owned yet? And when we see each other in public, unmasked and unvaccinated,
we’re gonna tell each other Merry Christmas! And on Christmas morning we’re gonna go to
church with all our fellow unmasked and unvaxxed Christians, and we’re gonna say Happy Birthday,
Jesus! And there’s nothing you can do to stop us! We don’t care how many people die! We don’t
care how many of us get sick and die! We don’t care if the pandemic lasts a year, or two years,
or three years — that’s if there even is a pandemic — because it doesn’t matter! All
that matters is owning libs! Spending our entire lunch break in a drive-thru line to get a crummy
little chicken sandwich topped with two depressing pickles to own the libs! Just like Jesus would do!
Just like Jesus will do! He’s gonna come back and part the line of cars like Moses parting the Red
Sea, and he’s gonna walk up to the speaker and order one of those disappointing chicken
sandwiches, and when he takes his first bite all the angels of Heaven will start to sing,
and when he takes another bite a beam of light will break through the clouds and the voice of
God Almighty himself will say to all the libs all over the world, ‘By his bites, you are owned!’
“And then Jesus will begin his holy reign, and there will be a thousand years of peace upon
the Earth, and there will be prayers in all the schools, and gays and trans people will go back
in the closet, and Black people and women will know their place, and no one will have to wear
a mask, or get vaccinated, or put out their cigarette, or recycle, and Ben Shapiro will
be a successful screenwriter, and NPR will lose its funding, and health care and social security
will be privatized, and there will be no more public transportation, or public education,
and every American will stand for the national anthem and agree that the Founding Fathers were
always right, and slavery wasn’t that bad, and the U.S.A. is the greatest country that ever was,
and Chick-fil-A is the home of the original and world’s greatest chicken sandwich!”
And now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s time for my lunch break. Figured as long as I was out
shooting that footage of the Chick-fil-A line, I might as well grab a bite. It’s just been sitting
over here this whole time, and I really should eat my Impossible Whopper before it gets cold.