(APPLAUSE)
>> WAS' UP, EVERYBODY?
OKAY, A LITTLE EXCITED.
I'M A DAD, IN CASE YOU DIDN'T GET THAT FROM THE CARDIGAHN.
WE HAVE A FIVE YEAR OLD BOY AND FOUR YEAR OLD GIRL AND PEOPLE
ARE ALWAYS ASKING ME, DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE, WHICH IS A
REALLY WEIRD QUESTION TO ASK BECAUSE UNDERNEATH WHAT YOU ARE
REALLY SAYING IS HEY, IS THERE ONE YOU CAN'T STAND?
AND I ALWAYS SAY I DON'T HAVE A FAVORITE, I JUST HAVE THINGS I
WOULD RATHER DO WITH EACH KID.
IF I WANTED TO WATCH THE SUNSET IN AUTUMN IN MASSACHUSETTS
UNDERNEATH AN APPLETREE SIPPING HOT CHOCOLATE ON A BLANKET, I
WOULD WANT TO BE WITH MY SON.
AND IF I WAS GOING TO ROB A BANK, I WOULD WANT TO BE WITH
MY DAUGHTER, BECAUSE SHE IS RIDE OR DIE AND SHE WILL CUT
YOU, THAT'S A FACT.
THEY HAVE BUNK BEDS.
I BUILT THEM BUDGET BEDSK I'M CRAFTY.
I'M A CRAFTY DAD.
HE LEAPS UP TOP, SHE SLEEPS BELOW, I GET HOME, HE WILL RUB
HIS BACK, HE ROLLS OUT FOR A KISS AN I KISS HIM RIGHT ON THE
LIPS BECAUSE WE'RE WHITE AND THAT'S WHAT WE DO.
AND THEN I WILL CROUCH DOWN FOR MY DAUGHTER AND RUB HER BACK AND
SHE SHOWS AFFECTION A LITTLE BIT DIFFERENTLY, SHE USED TO ELBOW
MY HAND A WHAT.
WHICH HURTS EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY.
SHE'S VERY STRONG FOR FOUR.
USUALLY I LEAVE SAD AND GI TO BED BUT EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE I
WILL DROP AN ELBOW RIGHT IN HER LOWER BACK JUST TO SEND A
MESSAGE.
LIKE WHAT'S UP NOW.
WHEN SHE STARTS TO STIR, YOU HAVE TO GET OUT OF THERE, YOU
DON'T WANT EYE CONTACT AT THAT MOMENT.
I LIKE TO CHALLENGE MY KIDS.
I DON'T WANT BORING KIDS.
I WANT INTERESTING KID SOTION EVERY NOW AND THEN WHEN I TAKE
THEM IN AND OUT OF THE CAR, I DON'T OPEN THE DOOR, I OPEN THE
WINDOW TAKE THEM OUT OF THE WINDOW, LIKE WHAT ARE WE DOING,
WE ARE SEEING THE WORLD DIFFERENT, THAT IS WHAT WE ARE
DOING, AM I EVEN YOUR DAD.
THE OTHER DAY I WAS GETTING A COFFEE WITH MY DAUGHTER, I PUT
HER IN YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW SHE GOES YOU PUT ME THROUGH THE
WINDOW DADDY.
SHE SMOKES ABOUT A PACK A DAY SO SHE GETS A LITTLE THROATY.
A LITTLE THROATY.
AND I'M TRYING TO CHALLENGE SO YOU PUT ME THROUGH THE WINNOW
DADDY.
AND I LOOKED A THE HER, AND I GO NO, I DIDN'T.
YES, YOU DID YOU APPROXIMATE OUT MOO HE THROUGH THE WINDOW.
AND I GO, NO, I DIDN'T AND BUCKLE UP, GO AROUND, GET HER IN
THE CAR, START DRIVING, I LOOK IN THE REARVIEW MIRROR, I YOU
PUT ME THROUGH THE REAR VIEW WINDOW, DADDY, NO, I DIDN'T.
I LOOK HEY RIVER, WHO PUT YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW.
>> YOU DID, DADDY.
>> AND I PULLED THE CAR OVER, TURNED THE MUSIC DOWN AND I
TURNED AROUND AND I GO NO, I DIDN'T.
WHO PUT YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW.
>> AND SHE TOOK TWO SECONDS AND SHE GOES NOBODY.
>> AND I WAS LIKE LET'S ROB A BANK GIRL.
THAT IS RIDE OR DIE.
ALL I SAID THREE TIMES WAS NO, I DIDN'T AND SHE WAS LIKE, I HEAR
YOU LOUD AND CLEAR.
IT NEVER EVEN HAPPENED.
SHE CHANGED HER REALITY FOR ME.
THAT SAY GOOD GIRL.
THAT IS A GOOD GIRL.
I DON'T THINK I EVER WANT TO GET DIVORCED BUT EVERY NOW AND THEN
I WALK AROUND THE HOUSE AND LOOK AT A TABLE.
AND YEAH, IF WE SPLIT UP, I TAKE CARE OF THAT.
>> IF I WERE TO GET DIVORCED IT WOULD BE BECAUSE WHAT DO YOU
CALL THESE THINGS YOU CUT PAPER WITH, SCISSORS, YOU KNOW WHAT MY
WIFE CALLS THEM, S SCISSORS NO, SHE CALLS THEM A SCISSOR, SING
YOU LAR, IT IS DISGUSTING.
LIKE IF I WENT TO A JUDGE AND I WAS LIKE I WOULD LIKE TO GET
DIVORCE WHACK IS THE PROBLEM.
SHE SAID SCISSOR, HE IS LIKE SINGULAR, YEAH, ALL RIGHT, FULL
CUSTODY, WOULDN'T BE A QUESTION.
THE OTHER DAY WE WERE DOING A CRAFT PROJECT IN THE LIVING ROOM
BECAUSE REAL MEN DO CRAFT PROJECTS WITH THEIR CHILDREN.
THAT IS WHAT YOU GIVING IT FOR THARK IS WHAT ARE YOU GIVING IT
FOR.
SO PIE WIFE LOOKS AT ME AND GOES HEY, YOU CAN GRAB ME THE SCISSOR
IN THE KITCHEN AND I LOOKED OUT AT MY CAR AND I GO JUST G YEAH,
WILL YOU MISS THE KIDS BUT THEY WILL GROW UP AND KNOW IT IS
SCISRS AND COME JOINMENT BUT I REMEMBERED IN THE KITCHEN WE HAD
SHEERS FOR CUTTING A CHICKEN AND THOSE SEPARATE FOR CLEANING.
SO I TOOK HALF, WENT BACK IN THE LIVING ROOM, GI HEY, HERE IS
YOUR SCISSOR.
IF YOU LIKE I CAN GET THE OTHER HALF AND MAKE YOU A PAIR OF
SCISSORS.
SHE GOES THAT'S HILARIOUS, AND MY DAUGHTER GRABBED IT OUT OF MY
HAND, PUT TO MY WIFE'S THROAT AND GOES THEY'RE SCISSORS,
BITCH, I'M JAY LARSON GUYS, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THANK YOU.
>> James: JAY LARSON, EVERYBODY.
YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS T COME ON BACK.
EVERYBODY.