And then Mary are you still standing by?
Hi.
Hi, thank you so much.
No, that was interesting.
I love hearing about the moms in the rap audience.
Right?
Finally, something we can relate to.
I feel like a mom at any rap show.
Yeah. Right.
I always feel like a mom nowadays.
I have (mumbling).
Are we started?
Are we interviewing?
Yeah. I'll say
my next guest, you know her from (indistinct)
she's got some great sets on there,
also from "Solar Opposite" on Hulu, Mary Mack.
Thank you for being here.
Hi Moses, thanks for having me.
It's nice to be here, I'm in Minneapolis.
This summer, I was mostly staying in a camper
up in Northern Wisconsin in the real woods,
And I showered in a Lake and that was...
Every day I write running water in my gratitude journal.
That's great because yeah,
it's not so much showering in a Lake,
it's just soaking in filthier water.
What? Just joking.
We lived in a camper for the first 10 years of my life.
We were in a bus. That's fantastic.
Yeah, so, Wow.
We could probably swap tips.
We could swap tips.
Where do you empty the septic tank?
Are you going with the blue one?
Do you want a compostable system?
Cause those things never work. I know.
I've gone through all that.
You know what I do?
I had to Google the instructions.
I don't know if I should look at the camera or at you,
but I had to Google the instructions.
You wanna look at the corner of your room.
Can you look at the back corner of your room?
Your eye line should be, yeah,
if you could completely turn yourself
it's just more engaging to the audience.
I had to Google the instructions
on this European Sandy potty that came with my camper.
I was very complicated.
And I can't, a lot of people talk about the walk of shame.
Yeah. My walk of shame
is when I like walk into a wayside rest to empty my camper,
my portable camper toilet. Yeah.
'Cause everyone knows what that is.
They make 'em blue.
So everyone's like, "Oh, there's all your feces.
That's your box of feces."
(Mary laughs)
And there's no... Mine is beige.
Yours was blue?
Your Sandy potty was blue?
I saw a guy get in a fight with someone at a campground
while he was holding his septic tank.
He just emptied it. Oh sweet.
And it's like, well you lose whatever you're saying.
Oh yeah, I'll bet you put some respect on my name.
It's like you have a box..
Yeah. Yeah.
You could...
It's a lot.
It's a real exclamation point, whatever you're saying is
when you release your own human excrement
out of a receptacle.
Okay. Yes.
In case you didn't know want to talk about,
I brought a list of possible topics.
Self-learning, Moses.
I'm not for it.
I'm the kind of person who's like,
"Just put your head down and shut up and do your work."
But you know what the pandemic has done for people,
too much self-realization. Okay.
I learned about myself
that the greatest sense of accomplishment I can ever feel,
is when I'm almost done with a bar of soap.
Wow. Yeah.
You can see what you've accomplished.
You're like, "Wow, that showering is paying off."
And it's like, why do I get so excited?
It's not like you can cross it off the list, Moses.
You can't be like "Done showering."
But I get so excited
cause I've been on the road for 18 years.
Like I never get to finish a bar of soap
but thanks to Donald Trump and this great pandemic of ours,
look at how good I'm doing, look how thin these are.
Oh, you brought it. I brought it.
You never see 'em that thin.
In 18 years, I've never finished a bar of soap
'cause I'm always gone.
And look at how good I'm doing.
Look at how. Look at how thin.
And no hair on 'em? Look at this.
No hair, thank God.
I think you need to rebrand and you need to sell thin soap
for people that need accomplishments in their life.
Whoa, yeah. Like the training wheel of soap.
Absolutely.
You get that thin, you get that accomplishment.
You're welcome America.
If we're lucky, we'll have at least six more months
of pandemic so I can finish these soaps.
Yeah.
[Mary] Okay, Moses, do you have a superpower?
No, I have no super power.
Well I do. What is it?
Is your boss Conan O'Brien, Yeah.
since you're working for Team Coco?
Yeah. Okay. So guess what?
When I wake up in the morning
I don't even have to do anything and my hair,
I got it on my phone.
My hair is as good as Conan O'Brien's as soon as I get up.
You see that? Perfect hair.
That's my hair in the morning.
Look at that height. That perfect shwoop.
What's the secret for waking up with good hair?
Sleep hard.
Sleep hard, have stress dreams.
Sleep hard, nightmares.
The sweat and anxiety will exfoliate the follicle?
Oh sure. Sweat, anxiety, dog hair.
You want it all in there.
And then it gives it a little extra lift.
Before you move on to the last business idea,
you didn't ask for this but the superpower for the hair,
you have a salon that's just nothing but twin beds,
people lay in the salon
and then they wake up with great hair.
That is a good idea.
You know what though?
What if you did a little helper and you were like,
"Oh I'll do their hair while they're sleeping."
Well, isn't that a time-saver
and a multi-billion dollar idea?
I think only you could get away with that business.
I think that the smaller you are
and the quieter you are at night, since you're sleeping,
the more success you'll have.
And if you know a little bit about hair
or if you have a battery operated curling iron
that'll be a big help.
You don't know where their outlets are, Moses.
You don't know if they got an outlet behind the bed.
What if they only have a USB charger
and you weren't prepared for that
with your curling iron? Right?
To-do list for Conan.
If you could let him know,
and if you could let Ruthie and JP
who also worked there know,
the last time I was on Conan they blew up my CD album,
my last CD...
I have a different CD album out,
but this one they blew it up.
And then what happened was,
Conan and Andy signed it very nice of them.
But then I stored it in some plastic
in a closet in Los Angeles when I was out there,
And this is the kind of air quality in LA.
You guys, it's just the acid up either the plastic
or the air just chewed it away.
Like this is not supposed to be there.
And they did a nice job, took a lot of time to sign it,
and now it's just looks like hell and I really would like it
if they could find it in their busy schedules
if I could send them this and they could recreate it.
Maybe try to be as authentic as they were the first time,
'cause I would like to put it on my wall but..
You want the same message on there,
the same heartfelt message, but a redo.
I will pay the postage.
Hey, I apologize if my conversation is a little too mundane.
Not at all, I'm enjoying this.
It's the small things in life
that you gotta think about, Moses.
Like in this time of impending doom and wretchedness
and just putridity,
you have to just focus on what you can control,
the small things, right?
Like who the fuck is using metal spatulas
on my Teflon pans.
Who? Who's doing it?
Is it the dogs?
My husband's the only one that lives here.
Get that... This is a mistake.
This was a huge mistake.
You better not be using that on a non-stick pan.
I cook everything on a paper plate over the stove.
I have a very bad life
and I have a can of beans like "Dennis the Menace."
I hope so.
But this is the worst purchase I made in quarantine.
Hands down this has ruined my life.
I got cut on this too.
This idea should not exist.
And I think this, we need to rail against these.
All these are good for
is picking up that last little bit of soap.
Yeah. Right.
Well, you know what else it's good for?
Drywall.
You can mud with that.
So yeah, so I'll drywall myself a new pan.
Is there a quarantine purchase you've made
that you regret or absolutely love?
No. I don't know.
I can't remember all the purchases.
I've been doing a lot of Facebook marketplace,
mostly for companionship.
Like I don't need uh-oh.
You just wanna get to know someone via like,
I don't even want an oscillating fan.
Hey, I did buy an oscillating fan.
I even bought a ceiling fan.
I didn't need it.
I just was like, "I need to meet somebody.
I need to see a person."
So like the driveway exchange is the most,
it's the most human connection I've had it's like, okay,
I'm like, okay, "I'll Venmo you or I can bring cash
but you don't have to stand within 6 foot of me
but could you please just bring it outside and say hello?"
And I met so many nice people.
I hundred percent know what you mean.
It's very embarrassing and I did not expect to admit this,
but my desk broke so I had to get one off of Craigslist,
like a new desk quick for this,
And yeah this woman, she came outside and gave me this desk
and we were talking for a little bit and I had like nerves,
like it was like a first date.
Right. It's scary to see real people.
And Facebook is so much different than Craigslist,
where it's like, "No I don't want any contact here's cash,
I don't wanna look at you."
Facebook marketplace you have the whole profile of someone
and their QAnon theories, you really can hit it off quick.
Sure. (both laughing)
You can really hit it off quick or not.
Oh. Yeah.
I bought Ps and I learned a lot about Q.
Great.
Well, I got a problem, Moses.
Yeah. I just added to my workload.
Oh, no. See, one's gotta go.
They can't both be in there.
I can't shower this much.
Now it's not two soaps, it's three soaps I gotta use up.
I'm not wonder woman.
Your life has taken a real dip.
You started on a high, we're very proud of this,
and then this broke.
Yeah.
I'm just getting word that, okay, yeah
that Conan is no longer sending the new album cover,
he's very upset about the this, so, oh yeah.
He does wanna invest in the sleep hair business though.
Oh yes, sleep hair.
That will be a great brand ambassador.
Sleep hair, that's where it's at.
That's the only reason I'm here pitching,
we don't need a shark tank. No.
We don't need that.
People already know they need somebody to do their hair
while they're sleeping.
That's a no brainer. Yeah.
If you wanna get going on it
with this online internet money you're making,
you can please invest in this business.
It's actually called bedder hair,
B-E-D-D-E-R hair. See this is great.
Please invest. Please invest.
Please watch her stuff online, Mary Mack
Comedy. (mumbling) but comedy.
MaryMackComedy.com.
Well, this is great.
I know it's good, Moses.
We're business partners.
Now we're business partners forever.
I thought this was gonna be an interview
but I walked away with a lifelong cash machine.
Money, money, money.
Okay. I'm muting.
See you later.
Okay. Thank you very much.