- You look fantastic. - Thanks.
- And you're out of the house and everything.
- Oh, I'm so out of the house right now.
- You have so many children now.
You have two children so close together.
- I got 'em wet after midnight. - Yep.
- They multiply, guys.
- So how old is-- the first one is Lincoln?
- And the first one-- Lincoln is 22 months,
and Delta is seven weeks.
[audience exclaims] Whoa, yeah.
- Whoa. - She's cute.
And I'm so happy to be--
this feels like a vacation, coming here.
It really does.
Everyone here speaks in full sentences,
and no one's asked me to wipe their buns...
- Not yet. - Yet.
So, yeah, I'm very happy to be out of the house for a--
- That's amazing. Seven weeks old?
- Yeah. - That's--and sleeping?
Is she sleeping?
- She just--she's-- slept quite a bit last night.
She slept, I think, eight hours last night
in one stretch.
I don't think it'll stick.
But it was a-- it was a nice treat.
- And Lincoln likes being a big sister?
- Loves. Loves, yeah.
- Dax was here last month,
and he told a story about the birth of the child.
Did you watch that? - He's very dramatic.
- Yeah. [laughter]
- No, I know, you know-- well, it's interesting,
'cause I wanted to tell you--
[laughter]
What the--
- I don't know what we were doing.
- Something awesome. - I'm not sure.
- He told you how traumatic it was for him,
but, to be honest, my perspective was--
as someone who has never experimented with drugs,
I really enjoyed it.
It was kind of a wonderful experience for me.
While they were doing it, I actually thought, like,
"What else could we get done down there while this"--
- Wow.
"Just--and maybe lengthen the shins."
I've always wanted to be, like, 5'7''.
Just anything to keep the epidural flowing,
'cause I felt so-- these modern hospitals, man.
- They have-- - They treat you right.
- So it was a C-section. - Yes.
- It was not planned. - No.
- It was something that had to happen,
so they gave you drugs to prepare you for that.
- They did, and I felt really great.
But the-- [chuckles]
The interesting part of the story
is that a couple hours later--
like, it wears out of your system slowly,
and about six or seven hours later,
I'm sitting in my hospital bed, and I say to Dax,
"Well, I think the epidural has finally worn off."
And he looks over, and I am scratching holes
in my face like a meth addict.
And I'm like, "I think it might be time to re-up.
"I don't know. I'm, um--
'cause it's definitely worn off."
And he said, "Are you-- are you sure?
You think it's worn off, hon?"
And I said, "Yeah."
So the nurse comes in, and obviously,
she notices and offered a little bit of Benadryl
to help with the itching and put me to sleep.
Well, what a cocktail.
[laughter]
Because I started-- I had a lot to say--
more than when I'm sober, believe that or not.
I started telling all these stories,
and later he tells me I was taking 30-second pauses
in between "and" and "the."
And I would just...
go out.
And I grabbed my phone, and the light was like--
do you know what looks really good when you're on that stuff?
Handbags.
[laughter]
Or throw pillows or rugs.
And I was just like, "Pew! Pew! Internet shopping. Whoo!"
Thank God I didn't remember my credit card number.
[laughter] So nothing bad happened.
But Dax kept--I mean, it-- honestly, a picture
of a throw pillow was as mind-blowing
as, like, seeing "The Matrix" for the first time.
That's how I felt. - Wow.
- He said, "Honey, do you think
you should maybe put down your phone?"
And I'm like, "Yeah, I'm just gonna have--
just one more minute."
And he finally-- he seized the device,
put it away, and I'm happy to say
I'm stone-cold sober today.
- Good for you. - Yeah.
- Good. [applause]
I'm glad to hear you didn't get
hooked on that-- all hopped up.
- No, I didn't. No. - No.
- [laughs]
- So you have the two, and now it seems like that--
plus they're so close together.
That's a lot of work.
Are you gonna have more children or no?
- No. No, no.
We don't want to be outnumbered.
[laughter]
We don't want to be outnumbered. - Smart.
- Until, I suppose, I accidentally get pregnant,
and my third child watches this clip
and realizes that he was an accident.
Sorry, honey.
No, but--yeah.
We're gonna cap it at two. - Yeah.
And he must feel outnumbered,
'cause now he's got all girls in the house.
- Girls to boys, yeah.
He likes to say that
he never thought he'd be surrounded by so many women
and not having this much sex.
[laughter]
- He's hilarious.
He's a good dad though, right?
He's got to be-- - He's a wonderful dad.
- Yeah. - Oh, yeah.