-Martin Short, welcome back to "The Tonight Show."
-James.
James Thomas Fallon. -Yes.
-My God, your name screams out diversity.
It really does.
[ Laughter ]
I'm so excited to be here tonight.
Although, it could be the Vicodin and Xanax talking,
but I don't think so. [ Laughter ]
In fact, it's hard for me to express how excited I am to be
here tonight because the Botox is fresh.
-Oh! [ Cheers and applause ]
Can barely tell. You can barely see anything.
-You know, I haven't seen you
since the big Saudi golf tournament.
Who knew that you and the crown prince were such buddies?
The giggling and the giggling,
and he's knitting and you're holding the wool.
It's so beautiful. [ Laughter ]
In fact, tell everyone what you were telling me about why
the Proud Boys is so much more than a club.
What did you mean by that? [ Laughter ]
What does that mean?
No, no, Jimmy -- Here's the thing about Jimmy.
We do hang out because we're not just fake show-business friends.
We're fake friends in real life. -That's right.
[ Laughter and applause ]
We really are. That is correct.
How is your summer going, though?
-Well, it's so beautiful.
I've been up -- I've been up with the loons at my cottage.
And do I regret my "Kim and Pete Forever" tattoo? Sure.
[ Laughter ]
Absolutely. -You can fix it.
-Regrets, I've had a few. -Do I? Yes, I do.
-Oh, and how about this?
You know, I was at Mar-a-Lago during the big FBI raid.
-Wait, what? -Oh, I'm gonna lie.
No, I'm a member there.
-I did not know you're a member of Mar-a-Lago.
-I don't like Trump's politics, but I love his omelet station.
[ Laughter ] -That makes sense.
-It's so beautiful.
And it's so great because you can just -- if you're a member,
you can just read as many classified documents
as you want. They're all over the place.
-They're just scattered everywhere.
I didn't even know you knew the Trumps.
-Oh, I know the Trumps.
I used to babysit the kids, for God's sake.
Eric and Don Jr., we would play Monopoly, but their version is
the winner is the first person to yell bankruptcy.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-That's another fun way to play it.
-Someone's been doing some writin'.
-How's our pal, Steve Martin, doing?
That's what I'm talking about. [ Cheers and applause ]
-You know, Steve -- Well, first of all,
he's the most talented guy in the world, you know.
I mean, he -- he does magic.
He juggles. He plays the banjo.
And yet somehow, he's famous. I don't know how.
[ Laughter ]
We're a team now. We're like Florida and a lower-back tattoo.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. [ Laughter ]
I want to congratulate you on this tour, by the way,
okay, because yeah, this is a --
I mean, what have you learned, by the way --
what have you learned touring with Steve Martin?
-Well... [ Laughter ]
I've learned that he will pay top dollar for clean urine.
[ Laughter ]
-You got to pass those tests. You got to pass the test.
-I've learned from him that you don't need to
have a pool to have a pool boy.
-Hello! [ Laughter ]
-No, but he is really amazing. He's such a unique --
You know, he butt-dialed me the other day, which is kind of
remarkable 'cause he still has a rotary phone so...
[ Laughter ] -That's very hard to do.
-Oh, not for Steve.
Not when you have that talent. [ Laughter ]
-I want to congratulate you and Steve.
You're both Emmy-nominated for "Only Murders in the Building."
-Yes. 17. [ Cheers and applause ]
-The show got a whopping 17 Emmy nominations.
That is amazing.
-And I'm just letting you know --
[ Cheers and applause ] Thank you. Thank you.
-You are fantastic. -And I'm just letting you know,
I'm making it red-carpet official
with Liz Cheney when I go there.
-You heard it here first.
-But -- No, no, no.
Here's the thing. The show --
First of all, the finale is on next Tuesday, you know?
-That's right. -Episode 10.
Who did it? -I'm excited.
-You know, Steve and I are nominated.
And, you know, if I can't win, I hope he wins.
But I can win, so screw him, you know?
-No, no, no, that's not what you want.
No, but you are nominated for the exact same category.
-I know. -So, yeah, you have to --
You either win or if you lose --
-If I lose, I'm going to send Will Smith up to slap him.
-No, no, no. -Why not?
-He won't be there. He won't be there for the Emmys.
-Here's the thing. Here's what's amazing.
Here's what's amazing. If someone had told me
20 years ago that I would be on
"The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon"
with all these Emmy nominations,
I would have said, "Jimmy Fallon?"
[ Laughter and applause ] -That's interesting.
I never thought of it that way. -Never thought of it that way.
-"Only Murders in the Building."
[ Laughter ]
It's the best acting I can do to not laugh at everything.
You were phenomenal.
I want to just say this for real.
No bits, nothing, I'm not doing anything.
I just want to say, in this show, I've loved you,
I love all your work.
But this is something that no one else can do.
You do comedy and you do drama
and you make me cry and you make me laugh.
You were amazing in the show.
And congratulations. -Thank you very much.
[ Cheers and applause ] Thank you!
-Martin Short, "Only Murders in the Building."
Really, I can't even tell you -- I can't even tell you.
-That is very lovely. -I want to show a clip.
Do you want to set up this clip?
-Oh, this clip is -- In the show, I find out that my son
might not be my DNA son, and I'm panicked by it.
So I go and get a DNA test, and this is me anxiously,
filled with anxiety, waiting to do the test.
-Here we go. Here's Martin Short in
"Only Murders in the Building." Take a look at this.
-So apparently, my son is Greek,
which means that I must be Greek, not Irish.
Surprise.
But of course, it makes, you know, complete sense
when you think about the Greeks, founders of Western theater.
Father of the public bathhouse.
Sound like anyone you just met?
[ Laughs ]
-We tell ourselves it can't possibly be true.
-Am I nervous that my son isn't my son?
Not at all.
In fact, the only thing I am nervous about is producing
enough spit for this test because my mouth
is so dry right now.
Anyone else have a dry mouth?
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Martin Short, everybody!
The season two finale of "Only Murders in the Building"
airs Tuesday on Hulu.