♪♪
-Today, I'd like to celebrate the three most beautiful words
in the English language.
-I am really sorry.
-The great American tradition of public apologies,
where you can artfully say you're sorry
whether or not you feel any remorse.
#SorryNotSorry.
-I am here today to again apologize.
-I personally apologize for appearing insensitive,
criticizing NBC's broadcast of "Schindler's List."
-I certainly apologize.
I would not enjoy any type of capital punishment.
-Let me apologize.
I did nothing wrong at the Minneapolis airport.
-I am sorry that I extended confusion
about tribal citizenship.
-My deep, sincere apologies.
I confronted it in confession and marriage counseling.
I believe I received forgiveness from God.
-[Echoing] I am the Lord thy God.
-[Echoing] Senator David Vitter, we cool.
-True repentance requires honesty,
but that's a big sacrifice for a politician.
So a masterful public figure must make clear --
they are not the problem.
They say, "If you were offended,
then I'm sorry you're so freaking sensitive,
but I am not to blame."
-If anything I've said this morning
has been misconstrued in an opposite effect,
I want to apologize for that misconstru--
misconstruction.
-Those analogies to the Nazis and Soviets and others
were poorly chosen.
I sincerely regret if what I said
caused anyone to misunderstand my true feelings.
-I apologize to those who feel that I've disrespected them,
'cause I don't do that kind of stuff.
-Smart politicians like this know the mantra.
-It's not your fault, alright? It's not your fault.
-Someone may have screwed up, but surely you're not to blame.
-Mistakes were made here.
-Mistakes were made. -Mistakes were made.
-Clearly, mistakes were made. -Yes.
Remember -- you have nothing to be sorry about.
If someone alleges you did something wrong,
maintain your doubts.
-I couldn't even believe I engaged in this kind of conduct.
I couldn't believe that I would treat women this way.
I am apologizing for the conduct that was alleged that I did.
-Did I do that?
-Excellent disassociation, Senator Urkel.
-Did I do that? -But why are public figures
who may not even intend to change their behavior
wasting time on apologies anymore?
When all the way back in 1952...
-♪ Bom bee-doo-bee-doo-bee ♪
-...a brave leader came up with a far better option.
Accused of accepting improper campaign gifts,
Richard M. Nixon faced being dumped as V.P.
from the Republican ticket, but he did not apologize.
-You will find that not one cent went into my personal pocket.
-Instead, Nixon valiantly changed the subject.
-We did get something, a gift, after the election.
You know what it was?
It was a little Cocker Spaniel dog.
The kids, like all kids, love the dog.
And I just want to say this right now, that regardless
of what they say about it, we're gonna keep him.
-Who's a good boy? Richard Nixon, that's who.
It didn't matter that Nixon didn't know a minor detail
like his beloved dog's gender.
Nixon had cracked the code,
and any doubts about his ethics were forgotten,
never to be questioned again.
Today's politicians could learn something.
If you'd rather challenge an accusation
when you don't believe an apology is owed,
fear not -- there's a solution.
-The entire thing has been a witch hunt.
[ Kitten meowing ] And there is no collusion
between certainly myself and my campaign.
-I have not provided alcohol beverages...
[ Chittering ] ...alcoholic beverages,
beer or anything else, to a minor.
-In ninth grade in 1980,
I started keeping calendars of my own.
[ Puppies panting ]
For me, also, it's both a calendar and a diary.
-We're finally in a post-apology era
that lets leaders be honest about who they are
without ever pretending that they want to change.
But if that thought offends you, then I'm deeply sorry.
♪♪