- This woman goes "Hey Tom, you are in the emergency room
and you overdosed." And they're like "what did you take?"
So, I write, 'Heroine.' And they go
"Are you serious?" And, I write, "Jk."
(intense dubstep music)
- [Ari Shaffir] Welcome to 'This Is Not Happening' presents
one crazy night. So, this is what we do.
We're a bunch of comedians. We tell stories
about a similar subject. So, this is just one crazy night.
- Give it up for my friend and yours
Mr. Tom Segura everybody! Let him hear it!
(cheering)
- Thanks, Ari Shaffir, everybody. Let him hear it.
Ari Shaffir. (applause)
Alright.
Let's go back to
1997. Holy shit.
Fuck. That time flies. And, I'm a freshman in college.
And, Thanksgiving. Remember Thanksgiving everybody?
(laughter)
That's the first time that you go, usually, back home.
That's your first break in your freshman year.
And, it's a big deal, because it's also like a mini
class reunion, because it's the first time you see everybody
you used to go to school with everyday. You're back.
Your first few months. And, everybody's recapping.
And the big thing is the next day.
The day after Thanksgiving. Everybody gets together
and parties their fucking balls off
while acting like they're a new person. Right
I start off, I find the guy, one of
the guys that didn't go to school, and he's like "I'm the
new drug supplier." And, I'm like "I remember you
from math." (laughter) And uh, he asks me what I want
and I'm like "What do you got?" And, he goes
"I have ecstasy." And, I go "Yeah!"
"Everyone says that's fun, let's try it!"
(laughter)
And I start taking it, and, oh! I forgot to mention.
Before I went to college, senior year, I got really into
a drug that was making its way especially through the south,
through Florida, called GHB. And, I'm sure, I don't know
if you know what it is, it's gamma-Hydroxybutyric acid
your body naturally produces it.
Sometimes, there are some places where
they regulate it as an anesthetic. But, basically,
when you get it, somebody made it in a bathtub (laughter)
and that's the good stuff, alright? (laughter)
And they sell it to you, and they get it in a water bottle.
They also call it the date rape drug, I, no
I didn't do that. I gave it to myself all the time,
(laughter)
it does have an amazing effect on sex.
on masturbating, let's be honest. On masturbating
Uh, I really had some crazy masturbation seminars.
(laughter)
As a senior, and then I passed out, and I'm like
"Who jerked me off?" And then I'm like, "oh yeah, it was me"
(laughter)
So...
anyways...
Okay, so I get the ecstasy into my system
and then, I take it, I'd never taken it, so as soon as I'd
taken it, I go like "Hey, man...
Fuckin'...I don't feel anything." He's like, "You just
took it man, like, give it a minute, alright?" "Alright."
So, I'm hanging out at this party, we're at a party
everyone's together, and then we're going to go to a bar
and at the end of the house party on the way to the bar
I go "Hey man, I don't feel anything."
So he goes "Alright, when we get to the bar, come find me
and I have GHB." So I'm like "Okay." So, I find him
and he's like "Alright, let's go the car." And that's
always the big move when you go to the car, you're like
ah, this is where dreams come true, in the car.
(laughter)
Drug dealers cars, where it all lives, so I'm expecting
what I know, which is a water bottle, and then a dose
is the cap. So all you do, is you pour the water into the
cap, and you drink it like that,
and it takes like ocean water, like sea water, right?
salt water, and then, it's immediate. GHB, if it's
good stuff, it's like, we used to call it perma-grin.
Cause you'd be like (inebriated sounds)
And if someone's like "Fuck you!"
You're like "(happy inebriated sounds)" (laughter)
So, I'm like "Alright, where is it?"
And he goes "It's right there!" and he has a gallon jug.
Right?
And, I'm like "Wow, that's not a water bottle"
And he's like "Yeah, I haven't even put it into the water
bottles yet. That's the full thing."
And it's a full gallon. Now if you think about a full gallon
you know that A) the cap is much different, it's flatter
you're not gonna, and it's also heavier, so I don't know
how to pour it, so he's like "Just take a shot!"
And I'm like "Alright!" (laughter)
So I put it up and then I go
in my mind, oh shit, I have like nine shots
in my mouth right now. (laughter)
So, the options are: do I spit it back
into (laughter)
the main jug, which I feel like
he's gonna be not cool with
that, you know? Being that he's a drug dealer and all.
(laughter) the other thing would be spit it out
on the ground, and I don't wanna be rude, right?
So, I just go like (grunts)
(laughter)
And, I'm like
"Holy fuckin' shit, I have taken way too much GHB."
Now, I'm leaving out the point that you're not
supposed to mix GHB and alcohol.
It is potentially fatal.
You may have known this, if you didn't, it can be.
At this point, I am on 13 or 14 drinks (audience exclaims)
and it's liquor, you know, vodka drinks, and I'm just
pounding 'em, I get the nine shots into me, and then I
walk back into the bar, and I'm like "What's up everybah?"
Like, I'm fuckin' (laughter). They're like "Where does
all this personality come from?"
"Ah, it's just natural man."
And then, I sat down
I remember sitting down
and then a girlfriend came, and she sat on my lap
and then lights out like I just don't remember anything
like I went to sleep. All I remember
is that I wake up, and I'm looking at lights on a ceiling
right? I'm just like "Oh, shit, is this heaven?"
And, then I see a woman
come in the frame, right? Because
I'm laying on my back. I can't talk.
I can't move my arms. And this woman goes, "Hey Tom,
you are in the Emergency Room, and you overdosed
on drugs and now you're coming out of a coma."
And, I'm just like "(unintelligible sounds of affirmation)"
(laughter)
Like processing it, but the process literally was just
eyes closed, like "Ah, shit" and my only thought
was like "I hope nobody knows." That's the only
thing I'm thinking. (laughter)
I hope nobody knows. And then I open my eyes again
and my parents come in the frame.
And I'm like "Ah, everybody knows." (laughter)
And they look so, just like "We thought you were a good kid
what the fuck?" So, I'd never been in trouble
They won't let your arm out cause I would pull out
the tubes. I have a tube for breathing, I have another
tube that's pumping liquid charcoal into my stomach
because that makes the chemicals of the drugs come together
and then you also can't digest it, so you vomit.
Which is what they want you to do.
So, as I'm like (embarrassed whimpers), I'm also like
(retching sounds) and throwing up, right?
(laughter)
So, they give me a piece of paper and a pen,
but I can't really write normally, cause I'm strapped down,
but I can kinda chicken scratch, and they're like
"What did you take?" Cause they're tryna figure out
they don't even know what I took.
So I write "Heroin."
And they go, "Are you serious?!"
And I write, "Jk"
(laughter)
They're not like "Good one!" They're like "What the fuck,
are you joking right now?"
(raucous laughter)
So
then, the kid in me, I'm looking at my parents
and I'm so worried about them. I write on the paper
I go "Are you mad at me?"
- [Audience Member] Awww.
And my parents, at that moment
my dad reads it and goes "No, buddy, just disappointed."
(laughter)
Can you save that for when I'm breathing on my own? Like
So, I'm in that emergency room, I get moved to critical
then ICU, and in the ICU, a doctor comes in who I hadn't
seen yet. And, I'm later told
this is the doctor, they tell me, this is the doctor
that saved your life. So, I'm sitting there in the bed
and he comes in, and he goes
"Are you in a band?"
(laughter)
And I was like "What, man? What?"
And he goes "Are you in a band?"
And I was like "No, I'm not in a fuckin' band."
And he goes, "Well you had enough in you to take down
two drum players and a bass player man" (laughter)
And, I'm like "You, now, with the fuckin' jokes? Really?"
(laughter) And he goes "What did you take?"
And I go, I don't know "I took a couple pills"
I told him honestly, "I had some drinks
And, I took, uh
you know, some GHB
probably enough for a whole lot of people
(laughter)
And he goes, "What about the heroine?"
And I go "nah, I was just joking." And he goes
"No, you have heroine in your system."
And I was like "(laughs) really?"
And he's like "Yeah, you have heroine, you have cocaine
you have PCP, you also have the same chemicals that are in
um, cleaners, like some of the, like the
super duty cleaners." And I'm like
"What the fuck, man?" And he goes "Where'd you get your GHB
from?" And I go "one of my buddies from high school."
He's like "yeah, he's a good friend. He gave you some
fuckin' WD40 to put in your system."
So, I, you know, eventually
get to breathe on my own
and all this shit
and then he comes back, and they're like "You know, the
doctor" the nurse tells me "the doctor that saved you
wants to talk to you." And, I'm like "Alright."
And, I ask him, "how did I survive?"
And he was like, "honestly...
cause you're fat (laughter)
like you're pretty fat."
(laughter)
I was like "What, man?"
(laughter continues)
And he goes "I mean, a smaller person
would definitely, like a 120 pound person would die
halfway through this. This is just one of the only times
where it's good to be fat, right now" and that's
yeah, that's why I still haven't lost the weight, you guys.
(laughter, cheering)
(upbeat electronic music)
- The best part is when he called you fat.
Tom Segura everybody, keep it going for Tom Segura.
Hey everybody, I just took a break from
flying through space to tell you to, uh, click the link
over there so we get more YouTube hits.
And, don't forget to subscribe, so that next week
when the story comes out, you'll get that as well.
Oh, there goes a celestial planet. Hi, planet.
(staccato tones)