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Hello and welcome to Mended Light.
Ask a Therapist,
what are the pros and cons of interventions,
is the question that I've received.
So intervention obviously is you've got a loved one,
they've got a problem, they don't want to deal with it.
So you basically make 'em do it.
My earliest experience with an intervention,
I'd broken my ankle playing basketball.
I was in the ER waiting to have my ankle reset
and this crowd came in and it was a bunch of adults
and they were dragging this woman in
and she was cursing out everybody
and she was trying to run off.
They had her by the arms, they had her by the legs
they had her by the back
and they were all just bringing her in.
And I had never heard
that many f words in such a short span of time.
And I played high school football.
So, you know, that should tell you something.
And I said to my parents like, what is happening?
And my dad goes, looks like an intervention.
And you know, I wasn't stupid.
Like I knew what an intervention was, but I always wondered
if that woman got the help she needed and got clean.
Or if she just like, those bridges were burned that day
and she never talked to her family again.
So, first and foremost, most people don't want to intervene.
They would much rather
that their loved one take care of themselves,
take ownership, take accountability,
say I've got a problem, and get help.
So, why do loved ones intervene?
Clearly because it's not happening.
And they see the writing on the wall
and they're afraid for the wellbeing of their loved one
or that person's gonna die.
Pros, pros of an intervention.
Maybe that person gets help.
We are more likely to get help
and for the help to last and to work
if it's our idea and if we want it and we decide to change.
In my experience, and I've done, I've worked
with some drug and alcohol counselors
and I've worked in tandem with them to do, you know,
the psychological side of things with people
is that people who are forced to do almost anything,
resent it, resist it, put on a show and perform it.
But lasting change is hard to come by.
My least favorite therapy session,
now, I'm not saying that it's hopeless
or that an intervention is never necessary or warranted,
I'm just saying it's not gonna be the best.
My least favorite therapy sessions that I've ever done
have been people who are court ordered to go to therapy
because they're not motivated, they don't want to be there.
And the energy is I don't want to be here,
I don't respect you,
and I'm gonna make life living hell for you.
And anytime one of those people shows up on my calendar,
I'm like, okay, buckle up.
You know, get yourself a Dr. Pepper,
make it through.
And it's a similar thing with interventions.
Now, can they work?
Yeah, let's talk about the pros.
See, my understanding is that
unless someone has broken the law and there's evidence
the police aren't really gonna get involved
and make someone do something.
It is true with certain cases of drug abuse
that the police can and will get involved.
But then there's criminal charges
is part and partially of the experience.
And some families see that as a pro, right?
You're not going to change until you hit rock bottom.
And that includes legal action and legal trouble.
So sometimes having the police involved in an intervention
is an absolute win because the authority of the law
is the only thing that gets a family member to fall in line.
Or, or even if they don't,
like they're forced to do treatment.
That can be a problem, again,
'cause if they're forced,
they will resist or fake it or whatever.
Or they, or they may.
But absolutely there are times
when people get clean and sober
because their family got the police involved
or because the family didn't get the police involved.
Didn't want there to be legal repercussions.
Like this family at the hospital,
they didn't involve the police,
but they put hands on their family member
and forcibly brought them in.
That could be a situation where months, years down the line
the now clean and sober persons says,
I'm glad you did that
'cause I never would've done it for myself
and I was pissed at you for putting hands on me,
but it was absolutely essential and the only way.
It is true that desperate times call for desperate measures.
I would never say,
'cause I don't want someone to not intervene
or not get the police involved
because they think legal action
is gonna harm a family member.
The fact is, if, or a loved one, if it's at the point
where they're gonna die or hurt somebody,
it's better they have legal action
than that they die or hurt another human being.
So those are pros when interventions take place.
Or sometimes interventions take the form of
not going to the hospital, not going to the police,
but we're gonna sit down and we're gonna talk with you
about what we're concerned about
and we're gonna show love for you.
Very often, here's a con, very often that feels preachy,
that feels judgmental,
that feels like us on our high horses
telling you what's wrong with you and you need to fix it.
It's a very, very small needle to thread there, right?
How do you, how do you make that work?
The way you make it work is without judgment.
Any whiff of superiority,
any whiff of we know how to help you
is gonna fall on deaf ears or lead to anger.
Unless you have wrestled with
exactly what your loved one is wrestling with,
a sit down intervention should only take the form of
we're concerned about you, we want to support you,
we want to help you get back on track of
of having a clean and sober life.
And interventions aren't just drugs and alcohol.
Sometimes people intervene
'cause they don't like who you are dating
or they intervene because they don't like
the life choices you're making.
That's all cons.
As far as I can see, that's cons.
Having a conversation with somebody
about your concerns is fine.
Getting everyone together to tell someone
that their life choices suck
and this is what they should do,
more often than not is gonna lead that person
to dig deeper into the original behavior,
to feel judged, shunned, maligned, misunderstood.
So if you're gonna intervene about life choices
about drugs and alcohol, about anything else,
it's important that you start
with giving respect to the person that you're dealing with,
that you approach them with non-judgment.
And when I say respect at the beginning,
I'm talking about respecting their right to choose, right?
Respecting their right to make their own choices.
You're just expressing that
you fear what these choices are gonna do to them.
I'm not a huge fan of interventions, if they can be avoided.
I much prefer a one-on-one conversation.
I think there's a lot more power
in a one-on-one conversation.
Because if I have a whole group of people,
then the individual feels more compelled
to get defensive, to save face, to explain themselves
to rationalize.
They may feel attacked and ganged up on.
It's hard to feel ganged up on when it's just one-to-one.
When would you want to do an intervention?
When the choices this person is making
are going to be catastrophic.
And having a one-on-one conversation isn't working.
And this isn't a situation where
this is their choice to make and you just need to stand by.
Which, by the way,
what I just said is most of the time.
Most of the time we shouldn't try to stop somebody
from doing what they're gonna do.
Most of the time we can express our concerns,
express our love.
If advice is asked for, we can give it.
If it's not asked for, we can offer.
Would you like to hear my opinion?
Most of the time if people are dead set on making a choice
they're going to make that choice with or without you.
And if they do it without you,
then they're not gonna have support if things go bad.
Most of the time, if you disagree with somebody,
you can voice it once and then let it be.
And I can't tell you how many times
people have intervened individually or as a group
because a loved one was making a choice
that went against the values of the group
or the values of the individual
and not respecting everyone's gotta find their own way.
And just how often years later,
the person who intervened was wrong.
That the individual knew exactly
what they wanted for themselves
and made a choice that was
exactly the right choice for them
And the person who intervened just didn't get it.
That said,
are you doing something that's gonna get you killed?
Are you doing something
that's gonna ruin your relationships?
Are you doing something that's going to
irreversibly damage your mental health
or your emotional health or your physical health?
In these cases, having the conversation, the one-on-one,
if that doesn't work, and it's extreme measures.
Again, intervention for all the reasons
I talked about earlier in the video
isn't anyone's favorite because it's not a sure thing
and there's so much that could go wrong.
If not intervening is a higher risk
and a worse outcome than intervening.
Even if intervening isn't gonna be pretty
or may have a negative outcome,
then it's better to intervene.
Generally, I wouldn't put hands on people.
I'm not gonna condone what that family did,
but I'm not gonna condemn it or criticize it either.
It's case by case.
But what I can say is do it with love.
Not just love felt, but love expressed.
And love expressed is more than
I love you and this is for your own good!
It's listening, it's caring.
And for me it's often, okay,
here's this behavior that you're choosing.
What outcome are you seeking with that
and is there a way we can help you with that outcome?
Get that outcome in a healthy way?
Hope you've enjoyed this Ask a Therapist segment.
Have any of you been involved in an intervention
either as an intervener or an intervenee?
Let us know in the comments below what your experience was.
If you enjoyed this video,
I invite you to check out another Ask The Therapist video,
how do you know if you have trauma?
And if you need help in your life turning the ship around
I encourage you to go to mendedlight.com
and schedule a consultation with one of our specialists.
We do counseling, we offer guidance, and we're here for you.
Until next time, folks keep shining.
We need your light.
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