I have to tell you, I honestly love hosting
a late night talk show, I always have.
And I've always thought it was the job
that I was born to do, but every so often
I love to try my hand at another career.
And I don't want to brag, but I personally believe
I hit it out of the park every time, take a look.
Yes, this is King Wok, what is it you would like?
What's that?
I don't know, do we have rice? (audience laughing)
Oh, you have? I gotta go, I got a delivery.
I'm gonna hang up on you and your order is not being placed.
(audience laughing)
Where's the delivery guy?
'Cause it's not you.
I am the delivery guy.
No, you're not.
(audience laughing) Take the food.
Seriously, I delivered it from the restaurant.
From King Wok, look. (audience applauding)
I brought it from King Wok. (audience booing)
Okay, just want a hug, that's all I want.
Oh, thank you, aw.
(audience laughing)
Oh no!
What the hell was that? (audience laughing)
What the hell was that? (audience applauding)
Ladies, I direct you to the bronzer.
You can put it on your cheek.
[Woman] Yes.
And then the forehead. (audience laughing)
What if I go outside and I peek in through the window
looking like this?
(suspenseful instrumental music)
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
Charlie is now going to teach me
how to drive the Grave Digger.
We can shut you down remotely
if we feel you're out of control
or doing something we don't like.
That happened to me at NBC. (audience laughing)
(audience applauding) (audience cheering)
Trevor just informed me off camera,
I thought that I was only announcing here at the track,
but that is not the case.
This is going out where?
Well, it'll go to the whole of America.
It goes to South America.
It'll definitely be in England.
You'll be in every betting shop in England.
I wasn't told this.
(audience applauding) Here they go.
And it's pancakes on the griddle as the horses are off.
All horses look alike when you're not around horses a lot.
Yes, this race is really off.
The jockeys' bottoms are in the air
which is the way that jockeys ride horses.
Bottoms high, that's the way to go, boys, bottoms high.
And here we go, it looks like this is a very exciting race.
Knucklebuster, Knucklebuster.
Somebody just told me it's Knucklebuster.
It looks like Knucklebuster's taking it by a head!
Oh, good golly Miss Molly!
Pull out the kitchen, grab the onions,
and cook yourself some fajitas 'cause I'll tell you,
Grandma's come home to roost!
What a cock-a-doodle-doo! (audience applauding)
Teach me how to get a car commercial.
Okay, so I'm going to narrate from behind camera
the scenarios and then you're going to act them.
[Conan] Okay.
And, action.
(audience laughing)
And you're driving along, driving along
and all of a sudden these storm clouds show up.
(audience laughing) And it's like rain,
but it's like Katrina rain.
You look nervous when all these storms are happening.
Yeah. Yeah, so-
You said Katrina. Right.
You said Katrina's coming. That's right.
And you don't want me to look nervous.
'Cause what we're really selling is not a car.
We're selling safety and security.
I see, okay, so...
So no matter what happens- Yes.
So right now I'm driving the Ford Delusion.
(audience laughing) Got it.
And now you're driving and driving.
And now a bike messenger hits your car.
(audience laughing)
But you're in the Delusion.
No, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
You're saying I hit a guy on a bike
but because I'm in such a nice luxury car
I don't give a (beep) (audience laughing)
That's crazy! (audience applauding)
This car is making me immoral.
The clients-
The clients do not want us to worry about a human being!
Human beings must be eradicated.
So we're driving along, driving along
and all of a sudden this bike messenger hits your car.
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
See you at the autopsy.
This is where people sit with dolls and eat.
(audience laughing)
Do I need to name my doll?
You absolutely can name your doll.
She is your doll.
Agnes. Agnes.
(audience laughing)
Agnes Schweitzhoffer. (audience laughing)
She was born in Germany.
She entered the United States illegally.
(audience laughing)
And her activities are suspicious.
(audience laughing) That's her backstory.
Let's do the gluten-free baked chicken tenders.
Absolutely.
Don't want it!
Look, you have to try something.
You have to eat something.
Want dessert!
You can't have dessert
unless you take three bites of the chicken, just try three.
Not gonna do it!
(Conan speaking in foreign language)
Stop it, Agnes, Agnes! (audience laughing)
(audience applauding) (audience cheering)
(upbeat drum music)
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
One and two and three, up down.
One, two, up down.
I don't suppose we could use his body
and then in editing put my head.
One and two and three, up down.
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
One, two, up down.
(lively drum music)
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
(lively drum music)
Ha, you were still twisting. (audience laughing)
Out! (audience laughing)
(lively drum music)
You! (audience laughing)
All right, the rest of you may remain in the dance troupe.
You are now all Uber drivers. (audience laughing)
I'm sorry! (audience applauding)