hey there everybody and welcome to this video on 10 tips to keep from
slipping back into codependency I'm your host Dr Donnelly Snipes
if you're a counselor and you need CEUs CEUs are available at all ceus.com Cody Dash CEUs
so let's start talking about how to prevent backsliding if you've recognized that you
have codependent Tendencies or you've acted in codependent ways then it's
going to be important to figure out what do you need to do differently
a lot of people with codependency struggle with attachment issues and struggle with feeling safe
especially if they're not in complete control so the first thing is to create a sense of safety
and regularly assess do I feel safe in this environment with this person in my own skin
and make sure that the especially the places you spend a lot of time you feel relatively safe in
identify what you do and do not have power over and how to accept that it's important to recognize
in codependency you may have been trying to control everything in order to prevent your world
from crumbling around you that's what you learned whatever relationship taught you that if you let
go of control if you loosen the reins things went to hell in a handbasket so now it's going to be
important to step back and start trusting that you've done what you need to do and the other
people in your life can and will do what they need to do and if for some reason things take a left
turn you're going to be able to cope so creating a sense of safety and recognizing what you can
and cannot control kind of go hand in hand because when you're trying to control something that's out
of your control guess what you're not going to be able to do it which is going to cause you to
try even harder and feel even more out of control kind of like struggling in quicksand you just keep
sinking deeper and deeper so recognizing what you do and do not have control over and how to accept
that and you may recognize in your daily life the things that you have control over and that you
don't but then you start recognizing this feeling of anxiety or anger frustration or something in
the pit of your stomach and that's your inner child or your memories from the past saying
if you're not in complete control things are not going to go good so it's important to figure out
how can you accept the fact that you can't control everything and you can still deal with that even
if you're not in control of everything you can survive and you are safe the third tip I guess
is to learn how to set and maintain boundaries and this again goes we're building on on skills from
creating safety identifying what you do and don't have control over and then setting boundaries you
do have control over your feelings you have the ability to choose when you have a feeling what
you do with that feeling you have the ability to control who you let in your physical proximity
you have the ability to control a lot of things to help you feel safe and to improve the next moment
setting boundaries means putting those boundaries there and saying I am choosing to or I am choosing
not to let you into into my house into my space whether that's your mental space or your physical
space additionally people with codependency tend to violate other people's boundaries all over the
place not maliciously you're trying to quote help them again going back to the environment
that created the codependency if you were not in control if you were not caretaking if you
were not doing things for these people whoever those people were oftentimes they wouldn't do
it for themselves even if they could and it ended up having negative consequences for you
so you learned somewhere in the back of your mind you developed this schema
that people are overall incompetent and it's your responsibility to take care of everyone
and that's one of those schema that it's going to be important to reprogram not stepping into
people's boundaries not protecting them from the natural consequences of their actions not doing
things for them that they can do for themselves now of course it's nice occasionally to help
somebody out if they need help with something or they're overwhelmed and you can pitch in that's
not what we're talking about here what we're talking about with boundaries is not regularly
doing things for people and infant infantilizing them doing things very paternalistically and not
letting them choose and do things for themselves so stepping back and saying I'm here if you need
help ask for it but I am going to let you do what I know you're capable of doing it's also important
during this time to connect with and comfort your inner child that inner child that grew up in this
environment created codependency is probably going to be screaming from the rafters this is
not safe you cannot trust people you cannot let go of the reins and it's important to step in and go
I'm an adult now I can take care of you little inner child and I can take care of me adult me
I don't have to take care of the other adults in my life so it's important to comfort that inner
child and let them know hey I got this in the past your caretakers were not responsible we're not
willing to do what they needed to do and maybe not able to do what they needed to do that's not
the case now I as an adult and the caretaker of my inner child and I've got this develop self-esteem
people who have codependency often feel loved for what they do not for who they are and they feel
like if they're not indispensable to somebody that they are going to be abandoned so it's important
to develop self-esteem and recognize why you're lovable for who you are and why you deserve to be
treated with respect and that is going to take time for a lot of people that takes you know
months or years because they've been so programmed that their thoughts wants and needs don't matter
and that they are not important what they do is important so we need to sort of flip that script
and addressing abandonment anxiety when you start setting boundaries and letting
people do things on their own they become more independent which means they may not need you
for the person with codependency that may translate to you're at risk of being
abandoned so it's important to recognize the difference between somebody needing you
or thinking they need you and somebody wanting to be with you because you're just that awesome
an abandonment anxiety I've got multiple videos on the channel on top that talk about how to
address abandonment anxiety I even have one that's cognitive behavioral therapy
for abandonment anxiety but it's totally important for somebody who is in recovery from codependency
to address these abandonment issues and learn how to develop secure attachments
get support it is really difficult to make all of these changes and since insecure attachment
and fear of Abandonment and low self-esteem are at the core of most codependency issues
it's important when you start making these changes to have other people there that can
encourage you that can be consistently responsive attentive validating encouraging and help you
feel safe get people in your life who can help create that secure attachment now that may be a
support group that may be other people who have codependency issues that they're working on and
understand what you're going through it may be a therapist it may be a pastor it may be
a significant other who is willing to learn and willing to help you work through these things but
get support if you try to do it all by yourself it's going to likely be a terrifying journey and
I dare say probably not very effective increase your awareness of where you've been and where
you're going look at where you are right now in your life okay just take a good inventory
of where you are in your life if you're watching this video you've likely started to work on your
codependency issues which means you've moved forward towards the life that you want towards
your rich and meaningful life which is awesome Look Backwards and say see how far you've come
whether it is two steps or two thousand steps it doesn't matter you have moved
forward and getting unstuck untethered from that codependency was a huge part it's like
taking a hundred pound rucksack off your back how much lighter how much more energetic do you feel
make a list of your codependent behaviors and patterns and identify their functions if you
tend to do things for people that they can do for themselves what's the function of that again A lot
of times it helps the person feel indispensable if you feel like you need to rescue people you
need to jump in then what's that function it may be because in Prior relationships the
people that you needed to protect you weren't able to do it for themselves so you had to
be the parent then identify alternate ways to meet those needs if you are needing to be the
parent well you're parenting your inner child so recognize what does your inner child need what
do you need and identify the functions of those other behaviors if you need to feel indispensable
how can you do that in a healthy way how can you feel secure in your relationships without
creating this dependency dynamic and Define your rich and meaningful life and ways to use
your energy toward that who is important in your rich and meaningful life what people what things
and experiences are important in your rich and meaningful life and what can you how can you use
your energy if you free up from trying to rescue and control and manage all these other people if
you free up that energy and say you know I'm going to let them take responsibility for themselves
and I'm going to use that energy to move toward my rich and meaningful life and that may mean again
unhooking from somebody who is in the throes of addiction or mental health issues and saying you
know what here are some sort of resources I can't be your only lifeline I am here to be supportive
I'm here to be encouraging but I can't fix it for you you need to be responsible enough to do that
practice morning and evening mindful compassionate awareness and this is super
important for people in recovery and ideally anybody but definitely for people in recovery
when you wake up in the morning and right before bed assess what are the my vulnerabilities what
things might make me more likely to be triggered or backslide right now
and what are my needs what do I need right now in this moment do I need sleep do I need a hug
do I need you know water what is it that you need triggers be aware of the helpful and unhelpful
triggers in your environment morning and evening take a look around whether it's mental I'll look
around in your mental space and a look around in your physical space and think about what unhelpful
triggers what codependency triggers are there and how can you address them but also what helpful
triggers are there what things are there in your life that say Hey you got this and you want to
use your energy to move towards these things and not get all caught up in somebody else's circus
thoughts identifying reviewing your healthy and your codependent thoughts and addressing those
codependent Thoughts with healthier ones instead of thinking I need to do this because they can't
do it for themselves thinking to yourself what is it that they need and what is it that
they want me to do recognizing the difference they may want you to do
it for them but what do they need how can you be encouraging and supportive without enabling
and what are your Healthy thoughts your thoughts about your power your safety your self-esteem and
take an inventory of your behaviors what healthy and codependent behaviors are you in the morning
feeling the urge to engage in and in the evening Look Backwards and say what codependent behaviors
did I engage in today or did I kind of start dipping my toe into why did I do that and what
can I do differently and what healthy behaviors did I do today it's important to regularly
address the helpful and the healthy to remind yourself that hey I was I did really good today
85 percent of the time I was engaging in hopeful and healthy behaviors all right 15 not so good
so we're going to work on reducing that so 99 of the time eventually I'm doing healthy and helpful
we would set likely like to say a hundred percent of the time but that may not be really
uh achievable most people will have the occasional thought the fleeting thought the fleeting urge it
doesn't mean you're relapsing it just means you're having a a fleeting thought or a fleeting urge
set smart goals and review them every morning and night
recognizing based on your rich and meaningful life how do you want to use your energy to move
forward towards those things that are important to you to nurture those relationships in a healthy
way including your relationship with yourself in the morning completing the sentence today I
will use my energy too and in the evening review your progress did you use your energy for that
if so great what were the consequences if not why not what happened what might
you need to change in order to get unstuck or get back on the right track
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join the channel at Doc snipes.com slash join or purchase a thanks on any videos you particularly
like it's easy to slip back into Old Habits so mindful awareness in the morning and the
evening and hopefully throughout the day is one thing that is going to be really important the
other 10 tips that we talked about are things that you probably can consider
working on in order to feel more secure in your recovery more videos on relapse prevention are
available at Doc snipes.com relapse or codependency at docsnipes.com slash Cody